Marzuki Online

Archive for category Health Issues

“GIVING IT UP FOR YOUR LOVE”…..zuki walks toward the light

May 17

Posted by Marzuki in Acceptance, Art, Beer, Blues, Boogaloo, Brush w/Greatness, Celebrities, Concerts, curmudgeon, Dead Musicians, Death, Gotta Dance, Health Issues, Humpty Hump, Kona, Live Happily Everafter, Old People, Party Animal, Rich & Famous, Shriveled Liver, Sobriety, zealots | 9 Comments

Good Morning Sunshine & Lace,

Last week I had the occasion to patronize the Gothic Theater to watch Delbert McClinton entertain mostly geezers and old ‘Hippies’ bent on recapturing the quickly evaporating past.  The Gothic Theater is no doubt like many old ‘Art Deco’ theaters built in the 30’s – 40’s either long since torn down or saved as historic landmarks.  The upstairs mezzanine has its own bar in addition to a large bar at the back of the main floor near the entrance.    For those of you born after the Vietnamese “Conflict” Delbert taught John Lennon of Beatles fame how to play a little used instrument today called the harmonica.  After suffering through a couple of warm up acts (Delbert’s kid) that left me ready to pack it in, Delbert’s band was introduced and finally the “house was a rockin’.”  

All focused in closely observing one of the white legends of the blues join his band in a raucous rendition of “Givin’ it up for your love” with a harmonica solo that has been forever his signature.  Chair dancing, head bobbing, and mild shuffling could be observed from any vantage point in the theater.  Our own ‘twinkle toes’ Joe was so taken by the music he hop scotched down the aisle to dance with an old woman who had braced herself against one of the several support pillars on the main floor.  Without warning JJ grabbed her arm believing she’d be thrilled with the chance of cutting a rug with our own Just Joe!  Unfortunately given the number of rotations she’s witnessed it was clear by her smile the mind was willing, but her body could no longer cash the checks and fell to the floor.  When all nearby saw what had happened, they immediately looked to JJ most of them thinking what a dirt-bag he was for pushing an old woman to the ground!  In a panic, JJ instead of helping the woman to her feet, turned away and ducked back into the crowd headed for the bar.  I tell you it was shameful!

I wandered down past JJ’s debacle and got close to the stage.  I couldn’t tell from where I was standing at the bar just how much this legend had aged since last I had the pleasure.  Pushing 70 rotations he still had fire in the belly and gave his all, toweling off every couple of minutes.  But after six or seven songs he announced to the crowd that he was taking a break and would be back ‘shortly.’  His band continued without him, but I paid my $40 to see Delbert yet understood why the breaks were necessary.  This made me sad.  I thought to myself, “WOW….one more reminder of our collective grind toward death…jeez”  In addition to Delbert’s obvious decline you may have watched the Rolling Stones and Tom Petty’s pathetic performances at recent Super Bowl half-times.  I’ve vowed this was to be my last journey to watch aging hero’s of yesteryear’s anthology.  I have enough reminders of my own deterioration and don’t need additional slaps to the face.

Okay, I fully understand that aging will affect my physical and maybe mental state exponentially from here on in.  Yeah I get it.  That said though, I also vow to go kicking and screaming sliding head first into home plate using ALL of the runway!  Most importantly though, I must find a way back to Kona.  Whenever my last breath is scheduled I want to be on a secluded beach and become crab food.

zuki

SOBRIETY IS A TOUGH TASK MASTER….zuki looks for humor

May 4

Posted by Marzuki in Acceptance, Angry Bartenders, Art, bastards, Beer, Blues, curmudgeon, Death, Drunken sloppy, Fat, Health Issues, Hell, Hovel, Humpty Hump, Hunker Down, Karma, Left foot, Live Happily Everafter, Nipples, Oath, Pain, Party Animal, Penitent, Puke, Sackcloth & Ashes, Shriveled Liver, Sobriety, Taste Test, Torture, Urinal Cakes, Wasted Time | 6 Comments

Good Morning Children of Jocularity,

I had a restful evening for a change. Sobriety has convinced me I’ve been living in a “cotton box;” nets poised to drop. Drunken perceptions aside, sobriety also reveals ones level of inner strength. To quit smoking was a ‘walk in the park’ compared to being a drunk voluntarily walking away from the bar. Not only is the drug (#1 best friend) legal, it serves us well by delivering a few hours of self-medicated bliss.  Further, our government has provided places in which this legal separation from our senses is facilitated by bartenders and juke boxes!  It’s not just the drug that makes it tough, it’s the social interchange! Think about it, there’s always a ready audience for our respective ‘B’ sides found nowhere else! This of course adds to the degree of difficulty.   It would be far cheaper to buy a bottle as opposed to visiting a bar but in my search for ‘kindred spirits’ I rarely drink alone.  My propensity for like minded curmudgeon-ism offers little room for questioning my outrageous behavior so most times it’s tolerated or worse; emulated.  Self examination is oft times like my conversations with the bathroom mirror telling me I’m not fat. This daily affirmation makes it easy for the party to continue.  Self-exams require objectivity, and suspect it’s in short supply at most establishments.  So be careful with your sessions in the mirror; sobriety will viciously rip away the ‘beer goggles’ and gut you with the truth.

To put this in perspective, if not for my liver being highly distressed I’d still be pounding Vodka Tonics. You may think otherwise, but my reasoning for posting this epistle is actually pure.  I’m not going to admonish or preach to the two or three of you reading this silent fart, rather I want to explain just how difficult it is to walk away from not only the drug but the environment as well.  Whatever reasoning that descends causing you to turn your back on the demon alcohol, you must be prepared to deal with these two individual forces that will entice and weaken your resolve. Since most of my recreational time is divided between the bar, studio, and/or golf course; all self-indulgent behavior, makes me uniquely qualified to comment.  While people differ widely in how alcohol affects their interaction with others, the common denominator is the need for social interplay. You can deny this all you want, but the need to be stomached (in my case) is equal to if not stronger than the need to self-medicate.

The pleasure we derive at being surrounded by others of like-mind particularly at a bar is largely founded on the consumption of adult beverages. We go there to drink. Over the last decade, I’ve enjoyed myself as either the source or recipient of anecdotal stories or jokes I thought amusing. The buzz derived from drinking seems to link everyone to a wavelength that enhances the experience.  To get a good sense of what I’m saying,  I challenge you to visit your favorite establishment stone-cold sober and join in on a conversation with your peers who’ve obviously had a head start and see how zany you think they are.

I enjoy laughing. Laughter is fundamental to most of us and proven to be integral to our mental and physical well being. Without consuming the magic elixir a good joke brings a dis-connect takes place and many of those things I perceived as humorous are now mildly amusing at best!  It’s not that these things aren’t still considered farcical, it’s just that I’m no longer plugged into the shared wavelength that so easily induced a guffaw. I’ve had people comment at my adopted drinking establishment, that they liked me a whole lot better when I drank. I’m sure these independent observations are true, and sometimes I fear I may never laugh again but cling to the hope it’ll get better!

I believe there’s a transition period one must suffer through that eventually allows the B-side of our personalities to come through without the lubricant of elixir.  A cherished friend of mine observed, “zuki you’ve not yet celebrated your sobriety because you’re still grieving the loss.”   Can I have an AMEN?

zuki

WHILE COURTS SIT IN JUDGEMENT….zuki discovers coca leaves

May 2

Posted by Marzuki in 'Blind' Richard, Acceptance, Arrested, Bigotry, Blood Sucking, Boogaloo, brain dead, Can't fix Stupid, Changes, Circumcision, Cod Piece, Cold & Hard, Death, Dwarfs, Get on the Bus, Health Issues, Heaven, Hell, Hypocrisy, Judgement Day, Karma, Liberals, Mommy, Nipples, Oath, Offensive, Ogle, Packed & Pressed, Pain, Party Animal, Pigs, Poo, ripped off, Sackcloth & Ashes, Sobriety, stinky feet, Stupid, Tebow, Torture, Transgender, Urinal Cakes | 11 Comments

Good Morning Seekers of Justice,

In a March interview on Bolivian television, Judge Gualberto Cusi, who was recently elected to Bolivia’s Constitutional Tribunal from the indigenous Aymara community, acknowledged that occasionally, when deciding tough cases, he relied on the Aymaran tradition of “reading” coca leaves.  “In moments when decisions must be taken, we turn to coca to guide us and show us the way.” [ BBC News, 3-15-2012]

I truly wonder about some of our own judges given decisions that make little sense to most of us.  For example:  The Connecticut Supreme Court on Monday upheld the right of individuals, regardless of sexual orientation, to engage in any number of “grandiose behaviors,” including, but not limited to, sashaying across the room “like a hussy, yelling ‘Oh my God!’ at the top of their lungs while hopping up and down, and generally acting like Miss Thing.”  There should be laws to punish idiots from assaulting our eyes with such stupidity.  The CT Supreme Court should be forced to spend a week with Hartford’s gay community.

In a sad case, a mother of a murdered 21 years old man requested to an Austin, Texas court to let her collect a semen sample from her dead son to fulfill his lifetime dream of having three sons. The judge agreed and the body was kept at very low temperature until a specialist could collect the sperm. The “specialist” employed to collect the sample known only as ‘Gracie the Vacuum’ is counter suing for non-payment for services rendered.  Evidently, the Vacuum was unable to collect a sample after 3 hours of laborious manipulations.  Gracie was quoted “Hey I’m damn good, and if I can’t coax a dead man to get it up, then nobody can!”  The agreed amount was undisclosed and the grieving mother had no comment.

A man sued his girlfriend because, as he says, she broke his penis during a creative sexual session. When the girl tried some radical new maneuvers that involved a golf ball cleaner his penis broke. He sued for damages and medical expenses for “negligent sexual intercourse” resulting in sexual dysfunction. The court’s decision claimed there was no damage because the sex was consensual, even though the position was not.

And you thought coca leaf decisions were bizarre.

zuki

ROBIN GIBB IS REVIVED BY OUR HOLYMAN….diatribe is given a dinner

Apr 24

Posted by Marzuki in 'Blind' Richard, ASS, Bagwan, Blathering, Blood Sucking, brain dead, Bucket List, Butchered Songs, Cancer, Cremation, Dead Musicians, Death, Health Issues, Live Happily Everafter, Old People, Pain, Preminition, Rest in Peace, Rumors, stinky feet, Wasted Time | 10 Comments

Good Morning Believers of Fard,

For those of you that haven’t met our “Holy Fucker” he currently is a man of leisure with little to do but point out minor flaws and faux Pas of both family and associates.  While technically correct in his assessment of Mr. Gibb’s condition, and his wrongful inclusion on my death list, I think we can all agree it’s simply nit-picking.  Already in possession of a pound of flesh, he’s now going after my blood. 

The Bagwan writes:

When I tried to explain to Zuki that he was premature with his Robin Gibb death announcement he, of course, got snippy with me. All I was trying to do was protect the journalistic integrity of the Diatribe and my reward was a terse three sentence (and 3 exclamation point) response making it clear that my help wasn’t needed.

I think Zuki has lost track of the fact that people rely on the Diatribe for cutting edge, current events information. What if on his way home from accounts receivable fez stopped off at his favorite watering hole for a Campari and soda and announced to all present that Robin Gibb had died. Suppose one of the patrons took exception to that erroneous piece of info and a knife fight ensued.

Well my snippy friend please read the following dated 4/24/12 from the BBC:

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Robin Gibb has ‘beaten the odds’, son says

Bee Gees singer Robin Gibb, who woke from a coma at the weekend, has been laughing and joking and wants to go home from hospital, his wife has said.

Dwina Murphy-Gibb told ITV News her husband was “really happy… he just wants to get out”.

Gibb’s son Robin-John said: “They gave him an under 10% survival chance and he has beaten the odds… he really is something else.”

The 62-year-old star fell into a coma last week after contracting pneumonia.

He has also been battling colon and liver cancer. Gibb’s son said his father was “completely compos mentis now”.

The family – including son Spencer and daughter Melissa – had been playing Bee Gees tunes to the singer as he lay in a coma and noticed Gibb trying to mouth words to the songs.

The family credited a recording of “Staying Alive” they had recently received from America for the final stage of this remarkable recovery. The source of the CD is identified only as a Holy Man from the Rockies.

LETTUCE, CARROTS, and APPLES OH MY!…..zuki goes cardio

Apr 16

Posted by Marzuki in Acceptance, Angry Bartenders, Birthday, Blues, Cellulite, Chubby Dancing, Colonoscopy, curmudgeon, Dwarfs, Easter, Fat, Fecal Bliss, FOOD, Free Samples, Health Issues, Humpty Hump, Live Happily Everafter, Ogle, Old People, Pain, Peeping Tom, Rectal Eclispe, sandwich, stalking, Torture, Virgins, zealots | 10 Comments

Good Morning Juggernauts,

As we continue to circle this rock aging and quickly deteriorating, medical science tells us it becomes more important to exercise and maintain good height to weight ratios than when we were younger. Dah! Of course there are literally thousands of diet plans, routines, and methodologies published to assist us in accomplishing this important part of being a healthy curmudgeon. As a public service to men mostly, and particularly the two or three of you reading this poppycock, I’d like to share zuki’s exercise plan for cardiovascular maintenance. I suspect women could also share, but I have no proof.

If you’re like me, the exercise part of any program becomes tedious and boring. This of course makes the regimen more difficult to sustain.  I’ve tried reading or watching TV while on the stationary bike, but always succumb to motion sickness. This tends to shorten my workout thus negating any benefit gained. I’ve walked/jogged on a regular basis, but also found it to be monotonous beyond my ability to cope; again suspending my workout. It was apparent I was doomed to live insalubriously the rest of my days. I mentally prepared to fight any malady that descended on me one by one and let fate take its course, when one of our own sent me an article regarding a new study.

I’ve been reborn! I just finished a two hour workout. I feel refreshed and highly energized from this new found cardio program. If you’re a member of a gym this program may be easier facilitated than having to find the proper workout location. This said, with a little effort and research each of you can personalize a program. A new five year study of 200 men carried out by Dr. Karen Weatherby determined staring at women’s breasts is good for men’s health and makes them live longer. I understand reading my stories seem like fiction, but I can actually prove the veracity of this posting! Dr. Weatherby further states, “Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation. There is no question that gazing at breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of a stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years.” The results of her study were published in The New England Journal of Medicine and makes fascinating reading.  Of course the good doctor’s study does not account for the ‘No Mas’ syndrome or homosexuality but perhaps there’s an exchange program.

Ogling comes naturally for most men (sorry JJ), particularly curmudgeons. It didn’t take long to find an inexpensive place one could engage in ogling without being arrested. I’ve been going to the grocery store, in the produce section in particular, lingering by the melons the last few weeks.  It provides great cover for this healthy activity. There are opportunities at your favorite bar, but given the subject’s stationary position, continued ogling may result in a slap to the face or even expulsion making a bar inconsistent. Once again the grocery store offers a venue with an assortment of women wearing shorts and halter-tops or other revealing clothes that accentuate the mammary glands. Plenty of vantage points offer sustained viewing and at least a half dozen “walk bys” without arousing suspicion. For starters I highly recommend your local Food King!

The study indicates that 10 minutes of ogling is equal to a 30-minute aerobic workout. This new discovery has given ole zuki a new lease on life and actually makes working out something I look forward to. So if you’ll excuse me, I must dash off to the store for some coffee and get my cardio.

zuki