MURPH & MARIA K-I-SS-ING IN A TREE……zuki hides under covers

Good Morning Disciples of Gomer,

It’s come to my attention the two or three of you reading this cockcrow have faced “sexual harassment” in the workplace. Making matters worse, they’ve held back from reporting the incidents given certain reprisals built into the company’s ‘mission statement.’ One must read between the lines..

“So long as you create laws that define women as victims, as creatures that demand protection, that need bodyguards, you are going to perpetuate the very worst of our sexist past.”   Warren Farrell

Given what seems to be an endless parade of pigs leaping from the windows of sexual harassment, I thought it fitting to relay the following incident. Those that doubt the veracity of what I’m about to unfold should log off now…

While I didn’t personally witness this tragic act of violence, my source, when sober, is generally reliable. Before he checked into re-hab he relayed a bizarre story about rejected love.

Murphy took one look at Maria and was awestruck.

Murphy was partially retired but drove cars part time to keep him in bar money which now became vital given his newly found love prospect. Because you see Maria was a Bartender at The Maggot.

Everyone called him Murph and was generally liked by the regulars, but suffered from Turrets Syndrome. This took a bit of getting used to as once an hour he’d blurt out “Go f–k yourself”!! then act as if he didn’t notice. No one was absolutely sure about this, so he was given a pass for this damaged chunk of DNA.

Each of Maria’s shifts were garnished with a dozen red roses only announcing they were from “Your Biggest Fan” This went on for a month so you can imagine the rumors bouncing off the walls. Murph finally came out of the closet and declared his feelings for Maria. He grabbed Maria’s hands and put them to his chest asking Maria if she could feel how fast his heart was beating.

The bar went dead silent in anticipation of Maria’s reaction. With her one never has to wait long as she removed her hands from his chest and with her face inches from Murph’s screamed “DON’T EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN!! NOW GET YOUR ASS OUTA HERE! And just like that, he was 86’d

One would think that would have been the end of it, but not Murph. He began to wait for her outside the bar trying to talk to her, but Maria brushed him aside with a harsh “F–k You” as she passed him. This ultimately resulted in a restraining order but that only became an inconvenience for Murph as he began writing letters that Maria tossed in the trash.

Months passed.

In a quiet moment and empty bar, Maria saw another letter from Murph and was about to toss it when instead decided to read it. Murph’s letter was elegant, sincere, and touched Maria’s heart so she wrote him back and invited him to the bar—indicating we’ll bury the past and become friends only.

When Murph came back the bar was busy, but Maria went over to take his drink order when without warning, “Go F–k Yourself” came flying out of his mouth!

Without saying a word Maria left the bar then returned holding a .38 Smith & Wesson and walked directly toward Murph but before he could utter a word shot him between the eyes!

The message couldn’t be clearer. This is how a woman should take care of sexual harassment! When men face death for unwanted advances only then will the problem go away.