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Archive for category Cush

FOOTBALL SEASON ARRIVES….zuki squeezes into life’s rich pageant

Sep 19

Posted by Marzuki in Cush, Dv'ant, Football, Handicaped people, Packed & Pressed, Road Trip | 16 Comments

Good Morning Rabid Ones,

Its football season…AGAIN. The constant TV screaming, the profanity, semi-gluttonous stuffing of pie holes with pizza and beer, and the insufferable self appointed experts breaking down the game by repeating what they just heard on Sport’s Center; I’ve really missed it.  But yesterday I had the occasion to attend the Denver Broncos vs Cincinnati Bungles game at the newly named (Sports Authority) stadium at Mile High.  It was a perfect fall afternoon and hardly a cloud in the sky!  AA was driving and as we approached the stadium to locate parking I was reminded why I don’t like going to any event involving 70,000 plus people.  Because of Dv’ant’s handicap (not the brain damage) we needed to find a place reasonably close.  We passed a lot with seemingly 50 or 60 open ‘Handicap’ spaces but it was blocked off to us!  What fucking assholes!  So we drove endlessly looking for parking while avoiding the sea of fanatics dressed in orange holding their #1 foam fingers.  Adding insult to injury, Cush arrived bleeding profusely out of his eyes as he’d just finished his graveyard shift and sacrificed a bowl to his idle ‘Jimmy Hoffa Jr.’

Dv’ant’s company seats were certainly the best I’ve ever had to watch a professional football game!  30 rows up and split the 50 yard line.  We snagged our favorite adult beverages and settled into our seats excited about the great view.  I’m not sure how a stadium seat (slightly more room than airline coach seats) is designed, but I’m guessing it’s based on an average of 180 lb person.  That ship sailed for all of us some 40 years ago!  It was like sitting in the middle seat on an airline between Andre the Giant and Oprah!  But the game was so close it made it all bearable.

All in all it was a very fine experience and I’m grateful for Dv’ant’s kind invitation.  I realize the two or three of you reading this pleonasm will think I’m an unappreciative nebulizer and I’m honestly not complaining, but I don’t think I’m cut out for making such a trek again.  Way too much humanity! I think I’ll try TV screaming next week.

zuki

ZIP CODES & PARALIPSIS….”if it fits” you paid too much

Sep 6

Posted by Marzuki in bastards, Blathering, Cush, feds, Ferris Bueller, Liberals, Political Correctness, ripped off, taxman, zealots | 10 Comments

As we celebrate Labor Day today it is interesting to note that our very own postal service is facing default at least in part because of an overabundance of labor. The next time you are standing in line at your neighborhood Post Office, as one surly clerk works the counter, count how many are milling around aimlessly in the background.

Bagwan

From today’s NY Times:

“The postmaster general of the US, Patrick Donahoe, has been pushing a series of painful cost-cutting measures to erase the agency’s deficit, which will reach $9.2 billion this fiscal year. They include eliminating Saturday mail delivery, closing up to 3,700 postal locations and laying off 120,000 workers — nearly one-fifth of the agency’s work force — despite a no-layoffs clause in the unions’ contracts.

The post office’s problems stem from one hard reality: it is being squeezed on both revenue and costs.

As any computer user knows, the Internet revolution has led to people and businesses sending far less conventional mail.

At the same time, decades of contractual promises made to unionized workers, including no-layoff clauses, are increasing the post office’s costs. Labor represents 80 percent of the agency’s expenses, compared with 53 percent at United Parcel Service and 32 percent at FedEx, its two biggest private competitors. Postal workers also receive more generous health benefits than most other federal employees.”

CUSH FINDS A NEW REASON TO LIVE….zuki goes dry…again

Aug 25

Posted by Marzuki in bastards, Blathering, Children, Cush, Hobbies, Mommy, sperm, Virgins | 16 Comments

Berjuan Toys is already selling its Breast Milk Baby online ($70) and expects to have it in stores later this year. The doll works by the child-”mother” donning a halter top with flowers positioned as nipples, and when the baby comes into contact with the a flower, sensors mimic sucking sounds. Although dolls that demonstrate toileting functions are already on the market, breastfeeding activists are more enthusiastic about this one, hopeful that girls’ comfort with breastfeeding will result in decreased bottle-feeding later on. (Opponents have denounced the doll as forcing girls to “grow up” too soon and with choices too complicated for their age, which according to the manufacturer is as young as 3.) [Forbes.com, 7-13- 201; USA Today, 7-25-2011]

The above story is true yet a bit confusing to me.  In this world of terrorists, thieves and a teetering economy do we really need dolls to simulate breast feeding?  I can certainly understand how rubber benefits our lives and spearheads the multi-billion dollar sex toy industry, but showing a three year old girl how to be milked hardly qualifies as a parenting skill!  Having said all this and footle aside, I can see where this is going. 

The A.C.L.U. along with Cush’s beloved Teamsters Union will file a class action suit against Berjuan Toys for sex discrimination.  The basis for taking legal action stems from their claim that Berjuan is leaving our little boys out. There’s been plentiful documentation regarding males both human and animal breast feeding their young.  The doll predisposes the act of nurturing to women eliminating the male from this activity.  The male breast feeding ‘action figure’ can’t be far behind.  

zuki

HAPPY F-ING BIRTHDAY!….zuki soils his best pants

Aug 3

Posted by Marzuki in Birthday, curmudgeon, Cush, Old People, Urinal Cakes | 8 Comments

Good Morning Sagging Flesh,

The annual celebration of one’s birth, graduation, retirement, marriage, or other such milestones is an odd thing if you think about it.  As you may have read I also celebrated a birthday yesterday.  Being one step closer to death hardly merits the bubbly but there I was surrounded by friends and family in this ritual of ‘keeping track.’ The next morning reinforced my doubts about such watershed moments.  I hadn’t been hung-over in years and suffered mightily for my overindulgence.  While compared to my 86 year old father I suppose I’m still young, but how come I don’t feel young.  After turning 45 a wise man once said, “It’s not the end of the world or anything, but I sure can see it from here.”  It wasn’t that long ago I referred to myself as being ‘middle aged’ or ‘on the back nine’ but chronologically speaking neither one is accurate. 

I absolutely despise getting old and all the maladies and bullshit that go with it.  I can power through the arthritis, enlarged prostate, liver spots, and cirrhosis but find it extremely difficult if not impossible to take when I’m ignored.  By the time one reaches 70 you become invisible! Having said this though, my company is taking me to lunch and fine wine to further drive home the point.  While I don’t want to come off as ungrateful but really, is there anything worse than a cranky old curmudgeon?

Sung to the tune of “Camptown Races:”

 “You’re gettin old and you’re goin to die…do-dah…do-dah (repeat)

zuki

BULLIES ARE A DYING BREED….zuki ducks under the blankets

May 10

Posted by Marzuki in bastards, Blathering, Cold & Hard, curmudgeon, Cush, ripped off | 11 Comments

Good Morning Mother Earth,

Have you ever been bullied?  Have you been harassed or physically beaten up simply for wearing glasses or a goofy shirt?  Did you walk 8 blocks out of your way to avoid those thugs bent on making your life miserable?  While it’s never happened to me or mine, but I can certainly appreciate the pain and suffering of the innocent rube just trying to hack out a life.  If you continue to be punk’d by others for no apparent reason you may want to read the following in hopes of mitigating this unpleasantness.

ATTIRE:

Listen to me.  When you wear a bright red shirt with green pants secured with a white belt you are screaming for someone to bitch-slap you!  Make sure NOT to wear Huarache sandals with white socks!  I’ve pleaded with the Bagster not to do this but he insists it’s a good look for him.  I know several other people that do this and bullies stand in line to stomp on them and then push the poor schmuck down.  Trust me this not a good look!  Be realistic!  Don’t trust the mirror as it will lie to you.  If you want a clue, take a look at a family video or photo in which you were featured lately.  I imagine Tammy to be a good example of this as she/he must be obese and wear clothes much too small to contain mountains of flesh.  I assume this given his/her potty mouth.  Wearing clothing that exposes one’s midriff or butt crack is an instant ‘atomic wedgie’ or at best a good pancing.  WHILE DRESSED IN BERMUDA SHORTS DON’T WEAR BLACK SOCKS AND DRESS SHOES!  Dv’ant just got back from his annual Florida vacation and suffered sand to the face as opposed to being featured in a porn video only because he doddered across the beach donned in his traditional summer gear!  Not once but twice!  I’ve tried telling him, but you know our boy…..oblivious.  If you’re not sure what your wearing will get you beaten up, please email a photo of yourself wearing the attire and as a service to the two or three of you reading this ‘skid mark’ will advise you of what to expect.  Oh by-the-way, go ahead and lose the hat and that pair of red Crocks.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:

If one is going to stink on top of dressing like a punching bag, then you should expect to be slapped around further.  For God’s sake use some soap and water next time you bathe it’ll make everyone happier!  If you’re attached to a feature such as a mustache or beard please take the time to trim and groom it so people don’t confuse it with pubic hair!  That thing on Gigem’s upper lip looks as though he ripped it from Touch’s bikini wax.  For those of us at ‘curmudgeon corner,’ before stepping outside take a quick look in the mirror for unruly hairs growing out of your nose, ear lobes, eyebrows, and back; it will go much easier on you. 

SPEECH:

If you stutter or end every sentence with “you know” expect to get pushed around.  Try using other words besides ‘fuck’ and stop using ‘um’ as it really isn’t a word other than to describe ones pitiful command of the English language.  Several of our own don’t understand the concept of being attentive and puke out streams of consciousness in one never ending run on sentence.  I’m personally coaching Cush who is willing to try, but other associates are beyond help.  A line from one of my favorite movies, “Trains, Planes, and Automobiles”— “Have a point—it makes it so much more interesting for the listener”

If you adhere to the above guidelines I’m sure you’ll find the number of bullying incidents to drop significantly.  You don’t have to thank me, just get out there and make our world easier on the senses. 

zuki