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“GIVING IT UP FOR YOUR LOVE”…..zuki walks toward the light

May 17

Posted by Marzuki in Acceptance, Art, Beer, Blues, Boogaloo, Brush w/Greatness, Celebrities, Concerts, curmudgeon, Dead Musicians, Death, Gotta Dance, Health Issues, Humpty Hump, Kona, Live Happily Everafter, Old People, Party Animal, Rich & Famous, Shriveled Liver, Sobriety, zealots | 9 Comments

Good Morning Sunshine & Lace,

Last week I had the occasion to patronize the Gothic Theater to watch Delbert McClinton entertain mostly geezers and old ‘Hippies’ bent on recapturing the quickly evaporating past.  The Gothic Theater is no doubt like many old ‘Art Deco’ theaters built in the 30’s – 40’s either long since torn down or saved as historic landmarks.  The upstairs mezzanine has its own bar in addition to a large bar at the back of the main floor near the entrance.    For those of you born after the Vietnamese “Conflict” Delbert taught John Lennon of Beatles fame how to play a little used instrument today called the harmonica.  After suffering through a couple of warm up acts (Delbert’s kid) that left me ready to pack it in, Delbert’s band was introduced and finally the “house was a rockin’.”  

All focused in closely observing one of the white legends of the blues join his band in a raucous rendition of “Givin’ it up for your love” with a harmonica solo that has been forever his signature.  Chair dancing, head bobbing, and mild shuffling could be observed from any vantage point in the theater.  Our own ‘twinkle toes’ Joe was so taken by the music he hop scotched down the aisle to dance with an old woman who had braced herself against one of the several support pillars on the main floor.  Without warning JJ grabbed her arm believing she’d be thrilled with the chance of cutting a rug with our own Just Joe!  Unfortunately given the number of rotations she’s witnessed it was clear by her smile the mind was willing, but her body could no longer cash the checks and fell to the floor.  When all nearby saw what had happened, they immediately looked to JJ most of them thinking what a dirt-bag he was for pushing an old woman to the ground!  In a panic, JJ instead of helping the woman to her feet, turned away and ducked back into the crowd headed for the bar.  I tell you it was shameful!

I wandered down past JJ’s debacle and got close to the stage.  I couldn’t tell from where I was standing at the bar just how much this legend had aged since last I had the pleasure.  Pushing 70 rotations he still had fire in the belly and gave his all, toweling off every couple of minutes.  But after six or seven songs he announced to the crowd that he was taking a break and would be back ‘shortly.’  His band continued without him, but I paid my $40 to see Delbert yet understood why the breaks were necessary.  This made me sad.  I thought to myself, “WOW….one more reminder of our collective grind toward death…jeez”  In addition to Delbert’s obvious decline you may have watched the Rolling Stones and Tom Petty’s pathetic performances at recent Super Bowl half-times.  I’ve vowed this was to be my last journey to watch aging hero’s of yesteryear’s anthology.  I have enough reminders of my own deterioration and don’t need additional slaps to the face.

Okay, I fully understand that aging will affect my physical and maybe mental state exponentially from here on in.  Yeah I get it.  That said though, I also vow to go kicking and screaming sliding head first into home plate using ALL of the runway!  Most importantly though, I must find a way back to Kona.  Whenever my last breath is scheduled I want to be on a secluded beach and become crab food.

zuki

SOBRIETY IS A TOUGH TASK MASTER….zuki looks for humor

May 4

Posted by Marzuki in Acceptance, Angry Bartenders, Art, bastards, Beer, Blues, curmudgeon, Death, Drunken sloppy, Fat, Health Issues, Hell, Hovel, Humpty Hump, Hunker Down, Karma, Left foot, Live Happily Everafter, Nipples, Oath, Pain, Party Animal, Penitent, Puke, Sackcloth & Ashes, Shriveled Liver, Sobriety, Taste Test, Torture, Urinal Cakes, Wasted Time | 6 Comments

Good Morning Children of Jocularity,

I had a restful evening for a change. Sobriety has convinced me I’ve been living in a “cotton box;” nets poised to drop. Drunken perceptions aside, sobriety also reveals ones level of inner strength. To quit smoking was a ‘walk in the park’ compared to being a drunk voluntarily walking away from the bar. Not only is the drug (#1 best friend) legal, it serves us well by delivering a few hours of self-medicated bliss.  Further, our government has provided places in which this legal separation from our senses is facilitated by bartenders and juke boxes!  It’s not just the drug that makes it tough, it’s the social interchange! Think about it, there’s always a ready audience for our respective ‘B’ sides found nowhere else! This of course adds to the degree of difficulty.   It would be far cheaper to buy a bottle as opposed to visiting a bar but in my search for ‘kindred spirits’ I rarely drink alone.  My propensity for like minded curmudgeon-ism offers little room for questioning my outrageous behavior so most times it’s tolerated or worse; emulated.  Self examination is oft times like my conversations with the bathroom mirror telling me I’m not fat. This daily affirmation makes it easy for the party to continue.  Self-exams require objectivity, and suspect it’s in short supply at most establishments.  So be careful with your sessions in the mirror; sobriety will viciously rip away the ‘beer goggles’ and gut you with the truth.

To put this in perspective, if not for my liver being highly distressed I’d still be pounding Vodka Tonics. You may think otherwise, but my reasoning for posting this epistle is actually pure.  I’m not going to admonish or preach to the two or three of you reading this silent fart, rather I want to explain just how difficult it is to walk away from not only the drug but the environment as well.  Whatever reasoning that descends causing you to turn your back on the demon alcohol, you must be prepared to deal with these two individual forces that will entice and weaken your resolve. Since most of my recreational time is divided between the bar, studio, and/or golf course; all self-indulgent behavior, makes me uniquely qualified to comment.  While people differ widely in how alcohol affects their interaction with others, the common denominator is the need for social interplay. You can deny this all you want, but the need to be stomached (in my case) is equal to if not stronger than the need to self-medicate.

The pleasure we derive at being surrounded by others of like-mind particularly at a bar is largely founded on the consumption of adult beverages. We go there to drink. Over the last decade, I’ve enjoyed myself as either the source or recipient of anecdotal stories or jokes I thought amusing. The buzz derived from drinking seems to link everyone to a wavelength that enhances the experience.  To get a good sense of what I’m saying,  I challenge you to visit your favorite establishment stone-cold sober and join in on a conversation with your peers who’ve obviously had a head start and see how zany you think they are.

I enjoy laughing. Laughter is fundamental to most of us and proven to be integral to our mental and physical well being. Without consuming the magic elixir a good joke brings a dis-connect takes place and many of those things I perceived as humorous are now mildly amusing at best!  It’s not that these things aren’t still considered farcical, it’s just that I’m no longer plugged into the shared wavelength that so easily induced a guffaw. I’ve had people comment at my adopted drinking establishment, that they liked me a whole lot better when I drank. I’m sure these independent observations are true, and sometimes I fear I may never laugh again but cling to the hope it’ll get better!

I believe there’s a transition period one must suffer through that eventually allows the B-side of our personalities to come through without the lubricant of elixir.  A cherished friend of mine observed, “zuki you’ve not yet celebrated your sobriety because you’re still grieving the loss.”   Can I have an AMEN?

zuki

DINNER WITH MUTT & JEFF….zuki gets lesson in manners

Apr 23

Posted by Marzuki in Blathering, Centerpiece, Circumcision, Cod Piece, Conventions, Crying, curmudgeon, Elitist, Fat, Fine Dining, FOOD, Formal Dinner, French Dip, Judgement Day, Knife & Fork, Lie to Me, Microwave Oven, Mommy, Ogle, Old People, Pigs, Political Correctness, Prep H, sandwich, Torture | 5 Comments

Good Morning Denizens of the Salad Fork,

This weekend was served up like over boiled cabbage soup and banana pudding spilled in my lap pants around my ankles. I shall not go into the first part as it involved someone I euphemistically refer to as “The coke whore.” You can conjure up what you will here, but suffice it to say, ole zuki “hated every bone in her body except his!”

I had an opportunity to attend a formal gathering/reception for an old friend of my Dad who was being honored for his many and varied accomplishments and retired his jersey as it were. It was held downtown Denver at the Hilton Hotel forcing me to break out the coat and tie. It was a lovely soirée with ice sculptures, open bar, and a snappy little quartet playing ‘big band’ music. The event began with cocktails and a rich variety of hors d’oeuvres such as Artichoke & Spinach Filo Tartlet, Beef Wellington, followed by one of my favorites, Thai Curry Samosa. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves amongst background noise only 50 separate conversations can make.

VT firmly in hand, I began to wander around looking to join a discussion that would highlight my particular brand of piffle. Doing my best ‘Cliff Claven,’ I managed to introduce myself to three women and a wimp-ish looking fellow with a limp-wristed handshake. As it no doubt surprises few, I broke in primarily due to the genetic distribution of the women’s assets.  Leading the chatter not caring what the topic was, I sensed the women were a bit put off. From what I could gather, they were discussing proper dinner etiquette and the woeful ignorance of those charged with setting up formal occasions. In a formal dinner setting my only hope is to escape without creating stains on my tie or shirt and/or avoid spilling wine on my pants and onto the floor. To pretend I knew anything about place settings, table settings, Wedgwood vs Noritake, or whether to use Sterling Silver or Platinum would most certainly expose me as the slug I am. My goal was to see if I could turn the conversation to Art & Design.

Sally politely updated me as to the topic being discussed and asked if I agreed. With everyone waiting for a reply, I tried to remember something I’d heard my ex-wife say about a center piece being too large for the table and blurted, “Have you seen the centerpieces on our tables? They’re HUGE! It looks as though someone barfed up a flower garden! All it lacks is a Pig’s snout with an apple in its mouth, jeez.” The planted smiles all disappeared. In fact, Sally looked nearly ashen. I got the feeling I’d just stepped in dog shit. But before Sally could utter a word, a little hostess was ringing a bell to announce that dinner was being served.

As everyone was being seated, I began in earnest on the ugly center piece thinking I was on a roll. Sally was giving me a look reminiscent of my ex, so I highly suspected I was in trouble and backed off. Sally was obviously pissed as my attempts to make conversations were mostly ignored. At the end of the geezer’s award ceremony the host began to thank those who donated time and/or money. Sally was asked to stand where she was thanked for the BEAUTIFUL CENTER PIECES! While the crowd acknowledged her contribution, she again looked at me with a definite “fuck you” look. Stupefied, I shrugged my shoulders and politely gave my heart-felt applause, at which she looked away. I tried to apologize, but obviously the damage was done.

The moral of this accounting is not so much in knowing which fork is the salad fork; rather, make sure you understand the proper way of removing one’s foot from one’s mouth! Jeez.

zuki

DEATH AND OTHER FAVORS….zuki rides wave of expired

Apr 20

Posted by Marzuki in Angry Bartenders, Art, Brush w/Greatness, Cancer, Changes, curmudgeon, Death, Heaven, Judgement Day, Karma, Old People, Ordained, Pros sort of, Rest in Peace, ripped off, Singing | 4 Comments

Good Morning Seekers of Martyrdom,

The death of drummer, singer, and mandolin player Levon Helm got me to thinking about death.  It’s in the water of late if you hadn’t noticed.  Levon Helm was one of the founders of the rock/folk group “The Band” and carries with it a who’s who list of musicians that have played with and shared his love of uniquely American music.  Rock stars come and go, mostly from self-inflicted wounds, but Helm represented my coming of age as he was the drummer in Bob Dylan’s first electric band.  They took so much grief from disgruntled ‘folk’ music lovers feeling betrayed, that Helm had to leave. In fairness it should be pointed out that Helm was a lifetime chain smoker no doubt contributing to his throat cancer that ultimately killed him.

JJ and Blondies chipped in for a jukebox tribute to Mr. Helm.  I found it amazing most patrons and even our own beloved bartender Dawn didn’t know who he was, further revealing our age as if we needed additional proof.   But never mind that, perhaps my age is what makes me think death rates have accelerated but I don’t think it’s that.  It’s only April and here’s a short list of those that have left this rock since January 1st.  In addition to Helm we lost Dick Clark, Davey Jones, Greg Ham, Robbin Gibb, Mike Wallace, Thomas Kincaid, Jim Marshall, Whitney Houston, Earl Skruggs, Ronnie Montrose, Ben Gazarra, Don Cornelius, Ferdinand Porsche, and ‘Sledge Hammer’ the fake wrestler to name a few.  Doesn’t that seem like allot to you?

As we roll into the weekend be very cautious.  Be deliberate in your approach to anything you do as one never knows when the trap door will open.  In a recent consultation with our own ‘Holy Fucker’ he relayed a story of an old friend who was jogging as he did every day in a quiet residential neighborhood, when he was struck dead by an out of control car whose driver had keeled over from a heart attack.  My God, it was a ‘two-fer!’  “Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!”  So for the two or three of you reading this buzz kill take care of yourselves and please stay away from suicide bombers, I.E.D’s, and those things killing hundreds if not thousands in the mid-east and other third world countries that blame the west for their problems.  Hummmm blaming the rich for all the woes in life, it sounds familiar doesn’t it?  I suspect that’s another discussion altogether. 

Ironically there are those that deserve to die yet seem to defy death’s door and escape.  Kim Kardashian, OctoMom, Phat Ass Patty, Simon Cowel, Francesco Schettino, Mel Gibson, Michael Moore, and every member of the I.R.S. are just a few examples of death coming ‘not soon enough!’  

Have a Great Weekend (hopefully)

zuki

FREDDY KRUEGER RUNS THE I.R.S….zuki finishes bottle of ketel one

Apr 18

Posted by Marzuki in Acceptance, Angry Bartenders, ASS, bastards, Black Hole, Blood Sucking, brain dead, Can't fix Stupid, Changes, Cold & Hard, Crying, curmudgeon, Darwin Award, Elitist, Fine Dining, Freddy Krueger, Guilt Ridden, Hack & Slash, Hell, I.R.S., Judgement Day, Liberals, Lie to Me, Meltdown, Mr. Hankey, Murder, Mysteries, Old People, Packed & Pressed, Pain, Pigs, poor, Prep H, ripped off, Sackcloth & Ashes, Sleep, stalking, stinky feet, Sucking, taxman, Technology, Torture, Urinal Cakes, War, zealots | 10 Comments

Good Morning Seekers of Alms,

I have ambivalent thoughts in just about all themes or categories.  I apologize in advance, but honestly this feeling of worthlessness comes each year at tax time.  There’s nothing like filing taxes to reinforce what a fucking loser one has become.  The fact we’re not alone is of little comfort. Birthdays…piece of cake!  Drop smoking…nothing if not a sense of triumph!  Artwork, professional recognition (zero enumeration), both of which are things important to me; but pale when compared to the I.R.S. and its handiwork.   Have you accessed the I.R.S. website lately?  If not, I’d encourage you to hit the ‘forms’ link.  There are at least 1,500 forms representing all manner of tax obligations, explanations, penalties, as well as payments due!  While there are a few of you (they know who they are) that can afford competent professionals that understand and keep up with current tax revisions.  But for the unwashed making payments to the I.R.S. we can’t afford such trust.  Do we REALLY need 1,500 tax forms and addendums?  I think not!

God I hate to sound so ungrateful, I do appreciate the freedoms and opportunities that avail themselves to those of us willing and prepared to receive them!  But you have to understand!  I’m the victim in all of it!  Please bear with me because I know this is the seventh (7th) annual spewing of distain and contempt for the tax system we’ve adopted as law.  However, in spite of my willingness to pay my fair share, I must “Rage against the machine;” nothing less than you would expect.

The above certainly explains my rational but doesn’t really get to the heart of the matter.  Finishing off the Ketle One and Pinot Noir in the same evening, thrust me into a state that could only be described as a mix of blind hate and self pity.    The act of accounting for the year serves as the “Oracle’s Eye” revealing the raw truth both ugly and odd.

DAMN IT!….I REALLY MEANT WELL…THIS SHIT HAS BEFALLEN ME INSPITE OF MY BEST EFFORTS!

Okay, I’m sorry for the emotional outbreak, but it couldn’t be helped.  Roger the ‘Hairdresser’ has been beside himself over his alleged $15K tax bill making everyone’s life miserable in the process.  If I take on similar countenances please choke me out.  No charges will be filed. 

I think we’re all familiar with the scripture regarding how “the truth will set you free.”  I’m here to tell you that’s a load of skid marks!  Hyperbole wins most times.  I can hear you mollusks now,…”zuki isn’t what you’re saying is that your best efforts are a lie?”…WAIT A MINUTE…not so fast!  What I’m trying to tell the two or three of you still reading this post mark is absolute truth is not always beneficial!  It’s difficult to gage the right mix.  Never-the-less, it seems times have changed and it’s become necessary to secure someone better at it than I am.

zuki