Good Morning Victims of Luddite,
Frederick Douglass was an African-American social reformer, abolitionist, orator, writer, and statesman contemporary of Abe Lincoln. He said, “If there is no struggle, there is no progress.”
If the above quote is true, then I should be making progress by ‘leaps and bounds,’ in fact, I should be running Google or Berkshire-Hathaway given the many struggles that beset me. However, the truth of the matter is I’ve had several opportunities to secure the ‘American Dream’ only to set myself ablaze running panic-stricken looking for a hose!
“Fat, dumb, and stupid is no way to go through life son” Dean Vernon Wormer explains to ‘Flounder’ in the movie classic Animal House. He then addressed the entire membership of Delta Tau Ki telling them their days at Faber were numbered….as they’ve all been on “Double Secret Probation!”
Oddly, I thought about this while in a complete stupor generated by edibles, wine, and some good ‘Indigo.’ Have I been on “Double Secret Probation?” I mused. This might be a rhetorical question as the two or three of you still reading this ‘fecal sludge pond’ would unquestionably agree that I have been on double secret probation and due to suffer the consequences.
I took out a yellow pad and created two columns titled Pros on one side and Cons on the other. Before too long I had filled the Cons column as it was easy to remember the times I offended, ridiculed, or otherwise targeted Fred Phelan, Diane Sumner, Clark Snodgrass, Timmy Olsen, Mark Selznik, Greta Plack, James Mertz, Joan Ballard, Vinny Alvino, Murph the Hairdresser, Virginia Appleton, Sonia Dada, Cush (many times over), and Patricia Yelvington (nipple clamps) jeez.
The above was the more egregious examples and to date all of them still hate me. I stole rib-eye steaks and lusted after married women. Then there was the time I tricked Jenny Pritchard into giving me an erotic massage telling her I had only a few weeks to live. Surely there’s a place in Hell reserved for someone that manipulative.
The ‘PRO’ side was sadly sparse. I delivered ‘Meals on Wheels’ my last year of college although at the time I hated it! I helped elderly citizens with their groceries and sundry items. Was kind to dogs and most animals; particularly the Sea Turtles being entwined in plastic. With the exception of one misplaced loogie, I don’t spit on the sidewalk. I’m pretty good with blind people and willing to engage them in checkers or conversation.
After comparing the two columns it was glaringly clear the Cons far outweighed the Pro side of the ledger. This has always been conflicting to me as in my mind I’m a prince of a guy! But when one lists each offending or licentious activity the volume alone causes one to step back and pucker.
“Double Secret Probation” aside, those that believe in ‘Karma’ are no doubt anticipating seeing zuki tarred and feathered in public humiliation. I just hope it comes at a convenient time.