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Archive for category Colonoscopy

LETTUCE, CARROTS, and APPLES OH MY!…..zuki goes cardio

Apr 16

Posted by Marzuki in Acceptance, Angry Bartenders, Birthday, Blues, Cellulite, Chubby Dancing, Colonoscopy, curmudgeon, Dwarfs, Easter, Fat, Fecal Bliss, FOOD, Free Samples, Health Issues, Humpty Hump, Live Happily Everafter, Ogle, Old People, Pain, Peeping Tom, Rectal Eclispe, sandwich, stalking, Torture, Virgins, zealots | 10 Comments

Good Morning Juggernauts,

As we continue to circle this rock aging and quickly deteriorating, medical science tells us it becomes more important to exercise and maintain good height to weight ratios than when we were younger. Dah! Of course there are literally thousands of diet plans, routines, and methodologies published to assist us in accomplishing this important part of being a healthy curmudgeon. As a public service to men mostly, and particularly the two or three of you reading this poppycock, I’d like to share zuki’s exercise plan for cardiovascular maintenance. I suspect women could also share, but I have no proof.

If you’re like me, the exercise part of any program becomes tedious and boring. This of course makes the regimen more difficult to sustain.  I’ve tried reading or watching TV while on the stationary bike, but always succumb to motion sickness. This tends to shorten my workout thus negating any benefit gained. I’ve walked/jogged on a regular basis, but also found it to be monotonous beyond my ability to cope; again suspending my workout. It was apparent I was doomed to live insalubriously the rest of my days. I mentally prepared to fight any malady that descended on me one by one and let fate take its course, when one of our own sent me an article regarding a new study.

I’ve been reborn! I just finished a two hour workout. I feel refreshed and highly energized from this new found cardio program. If you’re a member of a gym this program may be easier facilitated than having to find the proper workout location. This said, with a little effort and research each of you can personalize a program. A new five year study of 200 men carried out by Dr. Karen Weatherby determined staring at women’s breasts is good for men’s health and makes them live longer. I understand reading my stories seem like fiction, but I can actually prove the veracity of this posting! Dr. Weatherby further states, “Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation. There is no question that gazing at breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of a stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years.” The results of her study were published in The New England Journal of Medicine and makes fascinating reading.  Of course the good doctor’s study does not account for the ‘No Mas’ syndrome or homosexuality but perhaps there’s an exchange program.

Ogling comes naturally for most men (sorry JJ), particularly curmudgeons. It didn’t take long to find an inexpensive place one could engage in ogling without being arrested. I’ve been going to the grocery store, in the produce section in particular, lingering by the melons the last few weeks.  It provides great cover for this healthy activity. There are opportunities at your favorite bar, but given the subject’s stationary position, continued ogling may result in a slap to the face or even expulsion making a bar inconsistent. Once again the grocery store offers a venue with an assortment of women wearing shorts and halter-tops or other revealing clothes that accentuate the mammary glands. Plenty of vantage points offer sustained viewing and at least a half dozen “walk bys” without arousing suspicion. For starters I highly recommend your local Food King!

The study indicates that 10 minutes of ogling is equal to a 30-minute aerobic workout. This new discovery has given ole zuki a new lease on life and actually makes working out something I look forward to. So if you’ll excuse me, I must dash off to the store for some coffee and get my cardio.

zuki

VINNY FALLS TO HIS KNEES IN RED LIGHT DISTRICT….zuki’s warning goes unheeded

Mar 27

Posted by Marzuki in Amsterdam, Art, Ball of Lint, bastards, Beer, Brothel, Can't fix Stupid, Colonoscopy, Fine Dining, Free Samples, gossip girl, Health Issues, Karma, Lie to Me, Mommy, Packed & Pressed, passion, Peeping Tom, Pigs, Rectal Eclispe, ripped off, sperm, stalking, Thankful, Vinny, Virgins, Whores | 12 Comments

Good Morning Victims of Catechize,

As promised Vincent couldn’t wait to see the famed red light district and immediately got into trouble.  Enjoy:

Mike you wouldn’t believe what happened last night.  We’d finished up a company dinner around 7:00 PM so everyone was free to explore and then meet up in the morning.  I won’t mention the two others that accompanied me but you know them well.  It’s my first time here and really lobbied hard to walk through the famed red light district and go anywhere they wanted to go afterward.  The area of the city was only six blocks from the hotel so it didn’t take long before we were walking along a 6 square block section divided into hundreds of bay windows with the prostitutes sitting in the window like a manikin.  Tell you the truth most of them were looking mostly bored.  When a guy walks up to the window the girl would close the curtain and then unlock a side door where the patron and whore would close the deal.  I wanted to get a picture of us close to a window.  I know you warned me about being open with a camera, but I didn’t realize how seriously they take it over here.  I’d just taken my third shot when two rather large fellows grabbed the camera out of my hands!  They explained in perfect English that cameras are not allowed and they’d be keeping it!  You know me I whined and cried begging them to simply delete the shots and I’d go quietly.  They turned and walked away while I was still crying so one of them turned around and smugly said, “You don’t like it, call the police.”  I chose not to.  Lesson learned.

HUMBLE TRIBUTE TO DV’ANT….a flatulent zuki sees the light

Feb 8

Posted by Marzuki in Blathering, Blues, Butchered Songs, Colonoscopy, Dv'ant, Fecal Bliss, Humpty Hump, Mr. Hankey, Packed & Pressed, Prep H, Rectal Eclispe | 10 Comments

Good Morning Dv’ant Wherever You Are,

The following account is in tribute to our missing associate Dv’ant.  Nobody does shit like Dv’ant:

Has it ever occurred to the two or three of you reading this peroration that the cause of most misery stems from being constipated?  Yes that’s right.  The inability to have a normal bowel movement is what made Hitler such an asshole.  Historians have now determined the steady diet of goat cheese and fish heads plugged up the average Norsemen so badly they were incapable of any pleasantry thus from shear necessity had to rape and pillage their way to relief. 

Being plugged isn’t limited to old people either.  In American school aged children the rise in obesity has been front page news of late but has now been directly linked to this vile malady.  For years the skyrocketing weight gain of our children was blamed on ‘Happy Meals’ and at last is now being vindicated.  Not only are stopped up bowels uncomfortable, the added time in the system is causing weight gain.  Dr. Joe Philpot of the Children’s Hospital stated at a recent enclave of gastronomes “We owe the McDonald’s Corporation an apology.  We can now prove beyond all doubt the hated ‘Happy Meal’ is innocent!”

Philpot held up his hand signaling a pause, and then said “We’ve been able to create a drilling mechanism that will effectively and gently drain the stoppage allowing for normal metabolic activity” continued Philpot.  According to the good doctor the only side effect stems from excessive gas build up.  When the devise is inserted there is a release valve that is meant to gradually reduce the pressure.  If the attending staff isn’t careful a complete and utter ‘blow out’ can occur leaving the patient with what doctors call a ‘singing sphincter.’  It takes years for the stretched out tissue to regain its elasticity and until it does, every crop dusting and bowel movement results in the old Disney tune “Zippity Doo Dah;” all in A minor.   

zuki

NURSE CUSH SAVES THE DAY….zuki discovers beer

Jan 23

Posted by Marzuki in Beer, brain dead, Colonoscopy, Cush, Health Issues, Humpty Hump, Innocent, Pain, stinky feet, Urinal Cakes | 9 Comments

Good Morning Victims of Self-Esteem,

This weekend provided some much needed rest to at last defeat the first malady of the 2012 rotation.  This one has been pretty aggressive.  Not only the congestion normally associated with a cold, but this one included the dreaded dry coughing fit at 2:00 AM.  I took ‘Zicam’ to supposedly lessen the cold’s severity, but it’s difficult to say whether or not it worked.  It’s taken most of a week, and the symptoms have diminished somewhat, but that’s about as long as I remember a cold lasting anyways!  I’m concerned I may have fallen victim to two things; letting hope overcome reason, and a slick marketing campaign.  But to be honest I didn’t follow the directions and was inconsistent at best.

I was walking to Blondies on Friday for Dawn’s (our tough as nails bartender) birthday/bon voyage party and noticed the wind to be howling through the breezeway my pathway to the bar.  It had to be near 80 mph!  Half-way I noticed a large garbage bag (empty) zigging and zagging its way toward me.  Every time I moved it would shift directions and again fling itself at me until unavoidably it hit me in the face and immediately wrapped around my head.  It smelled of burnt rubber but more importantly I was blind.  For reasons unknown to me I continued to walk while trying to extract myself and ran directly into a metal sculpture.  I don’t know the artist but ironically it was an abstract of a man hoisting what appears to be a beer.  I had knocked myself unconscious.

When I came to the first thing I saw was Cush holding a sandwich to my face telling me to eat it.  Words don’t begin to describe the horror of such a visual assault.  Besides all he could offer was a potato and baloney with Mayo; it was actually pretty good.  Cush helped me to my feet but I still felt a bit unsettled and found one of several benches and sat down.  Nurse Cush in his zeal to heal disappeared into Blondies and returned with a plastic cup of beer.  You must understand, drinking beer is Cush’s cure for everything!  Sipping my medicinal beer I was puzzled by his insistence that beer has mystical powers.  “What other maladies do you think beer cures?” I queried.  Cush puffing up his chest replied, “Oh shit there’s a ton of things beer can treat!”  He then began to list them.  “It cures phlebitis, jock itch, sausage fingers, constipation, dandruff, cock-eyed-ness, worts, pancake breath, dry mouth, and makes a damn fine colonic.”  I was stupefied!

I rubbed the rather large goose egg that had appeared after my collision and got to my feet.  Nurse Cush insisted that he pour the remainder of my beer directly over my wound guaranteeing me it would greatly reduce the swelling and ease the pain. Unfortunately, he also managed to spill beer down the front of my shirt.  I made a silent promise to kill him.

Still a bit unsteady I began to stagger toward Blondies and as luck would have it the Littlewood Police was parked in front.  Holding the few drops of beer left in the cup and smelling like a brewery I was arrested for public intoxication and taken straight to ‘De-tox’ for observation.  Jeez.

If the two or three of you reading this remora happen to see Cush please tell him his days among the living are numbered!!

zuki

ROTTING FLESH AND FUNGAL DELIGHT….zuki sets himself on fire

Oct 14

Posted by Marzuki in Blues, Colonoscopy, curmudgeon, Health Issues, Hell, poor, Rotting Tree, stinky feet | 9 Comments

Good Morning People of Pestiferous Intent,

It’s like I’m a rotting tree….fuck, I’m stricken with every insect, fungus, virus, and infection known to man!  I’m telling you don’t bother to check medical symptom websites they’ve no fucking clue what’s causing my current breakout!  Christ I suffered with Acne until 19, and will not accept anything less than a qualified explanation!  I’m washing my new sheets and bedding, retracing my steps, recalling my diet, and generally wondering what the fuck has caused this particular episode in life’s rich pageant! 

I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to lash out like that.  That was my inside voice for hell’s sake.  You know me; I’m usually very measured and predictable.  Okay I’m mostly a creature of habit, and routine plays into much of what I do.  But I’m running out of patience and perhaps time.  The more I try and establish more or less a ‘normal life’, another trial or affliction besets me.  I’m starting to take it personally which deep down I know I shouldn’t but I’m just sayin….

According to the medical profession aging, lifestyle if one has a life, weight, drinking, smoking, stress, and sleep deprivation all play a role in our general health.  I shouldn’t be surprised with my demise given I’m engaged to all of the above.  Even social ills factors into this.  Low income, poverty, and dwelling environments are all contributing to my decomposition.  I don’t have an f-ing chance!  

Well I’m not going to sit here and just accept the inevitable!  I’m going to write a strongly worded letter and make somebody pay!  If I go down I’m bringing two or three of you with me.  I understand it’s not fair but either is the assault to my temple.  I’m going back on the Hunter-Gatherer in earnest.  I’ll begin swimming daily end of this month.  I’ll not quit drinking (my daily 10 shots of Vodka) per se’ rather will cut back and return to wine.  I’ve made an appointment to be de-loused as well as consult a certified Arborist in how best to rid myself of the fungus.  Short of setting myself on fire, I WILL BE PURGED and like a long lost friend revenant and renewed I will again be ready to join the fray.

zuki