Good Morning Dv’ant Wherever You Are,
The following account is in tribute to our missing associate Dv’ant. Nobody does shit like Dv’ant:
Has it ever occurred to the two or three of you reading this peroration that the cause of most misery stems from being constipated? Yes that’s right. The inability to have a normal bowel movement is what made Hitler such an asshole. Historians have now determined the steady diet of goat cheese and fish heads plugged up the average Norsemen so badly they were incapable of any pleasantry thus from shear necessity had to rape and pillage their way to relief.
Being plugged isn’t limited to old people either. In American school aged children the rise in obesity has been front page news of late but has now been directly linked to this vile malady. For years the skyrocketing weight gain of our children was blamed on ‘Happy Meals’ and at last is now being vindicated. Not only are stopped up bowels uncomfortable, the added time in the system is causing weight gain. Dr. Joe Philpot of the Children’s Hospital stated at a recent enclave of gastronomes “We owe the McDonald’s Corporation an apology. We can now prove beyond all doubt the hated ‘Happy Meal’ is innocent!”
Philpot held up his hand signaling a pause, and then said “We’ve been able to create a drilling mechanism that will effectively and gently drain the stoppage allowing for normal metabolic activity” continued Philpot. According to the good doctor the only side effect stems from excessive gas build up. When the devise is inserted there is a release valve that is meant to gradually reduce the pressure. If the attending staff isn’t careful a complete and utter ‘blow out’ can occur leaving the patient with what doctors call a ‘singing sphincter.’ It takes years for the stretched out tissue to regain its elasticity and until it does, every crop dusting and bowel movement results in the old Disney tune “Zippity Doo Dah;” all in A minor.
zuki




