Good Morning Children of Wanderlust,
The time has come for all of us to re-examine our collective position on children aboard a plane. Look, I’ve only traveled for business once in the last five years, but always surprised when well-intentioned parents drag their whinny snot-nosed and toxic spoiled kids on a plane full of adults looking to relax. This is not a good mix! I’m headed to Clearwater FL in a couple weeks and against the advice of the ‘Rules Committee,’ I have taken the initiative to remedy this blatant act of selfishness.
I have drafted a list of demands that will be sent to the FAA, all major airline companies, as well as everyone’s legislative representative. If that doesn’t work we’ll have no trouble getting the 20,000 signatures to put it on the ballot. While I don’t expect this will help me this particular trip, but I’m confident we’ll impact those self-centered parents in the years that follow.
ALL AIRLINES SHALL BE MANDATED TO ADHERE TO THE FOLLOWING S.O.P.:
- All children under 6 years of age are forbidden to board any commercial flight unless under emergency conditions.
- Those parents who’ve not been able to secure babysitting or care and insist their children share in their travel experience will be assigned to the “Children’s Travel Bus¹ ” for delivery.
- While in the care of our screened and highly trained drivers all children are subject to their will.
- A Priest will be on every trip to ‘comfort’ those children upset by the separation from parents.
- Every effort will be made to appease screaming children, but if it’s determined by the CTB staff the child is ‘inconsolable’ the staff member has permission to chloroform and subdue unruly children.
- Those children still in diapers will be changed at least once per day
- Children taking prescribed medicines will be put under an induced coma until 2 hours prior to arrival.
- “Happy Meals” and Diet Coke will be available ‘on demand’ with no additional charge.
- Infants still breastfeeding must be accompanied by a certified ‘Wet Nurse;’ clothing optional.
- If no parent or approved guardian is there to meet CTB to retrieve the child, the child will be considered ‘abandoned’ and sold for medical experiments.
¹”Children’s Travel Bus” is funded by the Airline industry and extra baggage charges will be allowed.
The above is a small price to pay for a quiet, cozy, and enjoyable flight free of screaming children. I know it sounds a bit harsh, but honestly wouldn’t you rather be chloroformed and out cold for your next flight to Chicago? You’ll thank me after your first childless flight! It’s safe to assume the above will sail through both houses no doubt unopposed. Just sayin…