Marzuki Online

Archive for category brain dead

CUSH SEES PROGENY REDEFINED….zuki falls for vaporizer

May 14

Posted by Marzuki in bastards, Beer, Bigotry, Blathering, brain dead, Can't fix Stupid, Children, Chubby Dancing, Crying, Drunken sloppy, Fat, FOOD, Get on the Bus, Graduate, Hack & Slash, Handicaped people, Hell, Humpty Hump, Ice Sculpture, Knife & Fork, Nipples, Packed & Pressed, Party Animal, Peeping Tom, Puke, Rumors, Shriveled Liver, Sobriety, Teamsters, Technology, Urinal Cakes, Vaporizer | 15 Comments

Good Morning ‘Pinky’ Lifters,

Last weekend was a milestone for Cush and his family.  Cush’s youngest son actually earned his high school diploma, and distinguished himself from his parents and older brother who obtained G.E.D.’s after dropping out of high school.  In the years I’ve known this family, I can’t remember when I’ve seen our Cush so filled with pride.  Typically he’s filled with something else, but last Saturday our boy became the consummate host of a backyard grad party with all the trimmings.  Do you remember ever getting an ‘ice sculpture’ for graduation?  Yes in addition to the ice sculpture (rigged for pouring booze down its length to chill it), there was a ‘corn hole’ beanbag game, four canopies covering tables and chairs for the distinguished guests, pulled pork, 20’ Subway sandwich, music (chainsaw variety), Aunt Myrna in person, half-dozen rug rats, full keg of…..ugh…Bud Lite, vaporizer, and all the accoutrements one could ingest, inhale, or otherwise consume!  It was truly a well thought out affair complete with chronological pictures of baby, child, teen, and graduating son.

My first sense of things turning south, and it seems they always do, was saying hello to ‘Charlie’ Cush’s stepbrother who managed to get blotto’d before a single guest arrived.  He was planted in the porch swing passed out, mouth agape, and a steady flow of drool collecting on his AC – DC T-shirt.  Knowing full well it could only get better, like clockwork Cush descended from nowhere and snagged our expensive bottle of whiskey pouring shots down the ice sculpture for his ex-con stepbrother and the boys from the union hall.  Stranahan’s brought as a gift by JJ and yours truly, thinking the adults would understand how it’s to be enjoyed, were utterly shocked but not surprised by its abuse!  For those non-mountain folk, Stranahan’s is a local Colorado distillery which has been featured on the ‘History’ channel as part of a world tour of the finest spirits.  It’s a blended Whiskey 94 proof and considered a fine ‘sipping’ whiskey. 

The two or three of you still reading this ‘burnt weenie sandwich’ have no doubt attended more cultured and refined soirées, can only try to envision my abject horror when ‘Rodney’ the other stepbrother took his shot and slammed it like cheap Tequila wiping the excess off his chin with his sleeve.  One by one the ‘extra’s’ from old ‘Hee Haw’ episodes followed suit calling it “smoooooth.”  JJ and I looked at each other momentarily and began laughing!  It didn’t matter how many times we admonished them to sip it, the in-bred nature of Jimmy Hoffa disciples did what came natural.  Cush seemed overly fascinated with the pour spouts incased in the ice and kept draining our lovely gift until it was gone. Jeez!

Up until a few weeks ago, I had no idea what a vaporizer was outside of having a bad cold.  The wonder of modern science has crossed over to the dark side making accoutrement consumption more effective with little to zero harshness.  This mainline to the blood stream and its staggering effect was demonstrated by one of our own.  Not one plate, not two plates, not three plates, but four…count em…four plates of food with a big hunk of cake for desert nearly became a full fledged ‘munchies’ emergency.  However, being the grizzled veteran he is, managed NOT to shit himself and buck up but did temporarily list to one side.  Very disturbing.

All in all though the mix of ‘Goth’s, wanna be gangsta’s, and Teamsters infused with grandchildren, Aunt Myrna, and a few maroons made for an interesting afternoon.  The graduate collected a cool grand which surprisingly he put in the bank.  Not bad for the first act of a high school graduate.

Zuki

DEATH IS BANNED!….zuki asks why he wasn’t informed

May 10

Posted by Marzuki in 'Blind' Richard, Arrested, bastards, Beer, Beyond Grave, Blathering, brain dead, Can't fix Stupid, Crying, Darwin Award, Death, Football, Get on the Bus, Hack & Slash, Heaven, Hell, Hypocrisy, Jealous Rage, Judgement Day, Liberals, Murder, Mysteries, Occupy This, Pain, passion, Political Correctness, Rest in Peace, Sackcloth & Ashes, Soccer Assholes, Stupid, Torture, Virgins, Wasted Time | 3 Comments

Hello Diatribe,

If you’re just now logging on this week, Marzuki (my Father) died in his sleep last Tuesday May 8, 2012.  I wanted to pull the plug on the website, but somehow he’s figured out a way to communicate with me to continue posting his little rants.  I’m afraid of what torment he’d subject me to should I refuse so until he’s able to R.I.P. I’ll keep assisting him.  Today’s posting was delivered to me via Morse code!  He tapped on my wall all night!  Here you go:

Good Morning Fixed Position Receivers,

There will be hell to pay!  It’s happening in Italy so it can’t be too far way for the rest of us!  President Obama’s fascination if not total embracement of the socialized style of governments found in the ‘Euro Zone,’ will no doubt be interested in how the little Italian town of Falciano Del Massico deals with a significant problem.  Evidently the local cemetery is full up.  No Vacancy, no room at the Inn, filled to the brim, and overflowing would describe the macabre circumstances enshrouding the aging population of 3,700 residing in Falciano Del Massico.  Somebody had to do something, and do it quickly!  Like any thinking politician, the good mayor demonstrated solid leadership and drafted a local ordinance banning all deaths.  No, I didn’t stutter!  Having just died myself, I wondered what if any repercussions had been put in place to punish those that thumbed their noses at the law and died anyway.  Even with my expanded abilities, this part of the ordinance was missing or in fine print and eluded me.

The locals are adamant and refuse to be buried in the neighboring town of Mondragone.  What I was able to find out is some fourteen or fifteen years ago Del Massico and Mondragone’s respective soccer teams were involved in an epic championship match in Mondragone.  In the middle of a third overtime, Guido Sarducci a local Del Massico hero and superstar was mysteriously shot down on a breakaway that would have ended the game.  Rumor has it Mondragone is a Mafia stronghold so I suspect some serious cash was on the line.  After a 30 minute delay to pronounce Sarducci dead and move his body off the field and onto the sideline, the overtime period resumed.  On the very first play, Mondragone scored ending the game securing their victory!  As one might imagine, the Falciano Del Massicans were outraged and stormed the field brutalizing the Mondragone players and staff alike.  The Mondragonians soon joined the fray and 15 minutes later it was over.  The field was covered in blood with 67 people giving up their lives for a fixed soccer game!  There’s been a blood feud ever since.

It’s easy to understand why the good citizens of Falciano Del Massico refuse to bury their loved ones in the tainted soil of their enemy.  I found the Mayor’s solution to the issue to resemble much of the legislation passed in our fine country.  Our lawmakers adroitly address the problem head on with bluster and bullshit sound bites designed to appease the 99%.  These morons lack the perception necessary to see through it and are the same nitwits pushing for ‘Ebonics’ to become our second language.   For reasons unknown to me these idiots are brain dead, running around yelling “Harrumph” “Harrumph” demanding to be heard yet have nothing to say, inexplicably affecting our national dialog.  Savvy politicians from all parties and walks of life know this and take full advantage.  Tell em what they want to hear Johnny!

zuki lives

WHILE COURTS SIT IN JUDGEMENT….zuki discovers coca leaves

May 2

Posted by Marzuki in 'Blind' Richard, Acceptance, Arrested, Bigotry, Blood Sucking, Boogaloo, brain dead, Can't fix Stupid, Changes, Circumcision, Cod Piece, Cold & Hard, Death, Dwarfs, Get on the Bus, Health Issues, Heaven, Hell, Hypocrisy, Judgement Day, Karma, Liberals, Mommy, Nipples, Oath, Offensive, Ogle, Packed & Pressed, Pain, Party Animal, Pigs, Poo, ripped off, Sackcloth & Ashes, Sobriety, stinky feet, Stupid, Tebow, Torture, Transgender, Urinal Cakes | 11 Comments

Good Morning Seekers of Justice,

In a March interview on Bolivian television, Judge Gualberto Cusi, who was recently elected to Bolivia’s Constitutional Tribunal from the indigenous Aymara community, acknowledged that occasionally, when deciding tough cases, he relied on the Aymaran tradition of “reading” coca leaves.  “In moments when decisions must be taken, we turn to coca to guide us and show us the way.” [ BBC News, 3-15-2012]

I truly wonder about some of our own judges given decisions that make little sense to most of us.  For example:  The Connecticut Supreme Court on Monday upheld the right of individuals, regardless of sexual orientation, to engage in any number of “grandiose behaviors,” including, but not limited to, sashaying across the room “like a hussy, yelling ‘Oh my God!’ at the top of their lungs while hopping up and down, and generally acting like Miss Thing.”  There should be laws to punish idiots from assaulting our eyes with such stupidity.  The CT Supreme Court should be forced to spend a week with Hartford’s gay community.

In a sad case, a mother of a murdered 21 years old man requested to an Austin, Texas court to let her collect a semen sample from her dead son to fulfill his lifetime dream of having three sons. The judge agreed and the body was kept at very low temperature until a specialist could collect the sperm. The “specialist” employed to collect the sample known only as ‘Gracie the Vacuum’ is counter suing for non-payment for services rendered.  Evidently, the Vacuum was unable to collect a sample after 3 hours of laborious manipulations.  Gracie was quoted “Hey I’m damn good, and if I can’t coax a dead man to get it up, then nobody can!”  The agreed amount was undisclosed and the grieving mother had no comment.

A man sued his girlfriend because, as he says, she broke his penis during a creative sexual session. When the girl tried some radical new maneuvers that involved a golf ball cleaner his penis broke. He sued for damages and medical expenses for “negligent sexual intercourse” resulting in sexual dysfunction. The court’s decision claimed there was no damage because the sex was consensual, even though the position was not.

And you thought coca leaf decisions were bizarre.

zuki

“WHAT A WORLD…WHAT A WORLD”….zuki chooses sobriety

Apr 30

Posted by Marzuki in Angry Bartenders, bastards, Beer, Blues, brain dead, Cancer, Death, Get on the Bus, Humpty Hump, Hunker Down, Rotting Tree, Sackcloth & Ashes, Shriveled Liver, Sobriety, Taste Test, Torture | 13 Comments

Good Morning Aphotic Dwellers,

Evidently even as pathetic as my part in life’s rich pageant is, I’ve chosen to add to this hell voluntarily.  It’s funny how things manifest themselves.  I had a wonderful week filled with professional and personal highs, dated a beautiful woman, witnessed the genius of Joe Bonamassa, and drank myself to oblivion each night! WOW F-ING WEE!  With the exception of hitting Powerball, it couldn’t possibly get any better could it?  That said, In my sixty plus rotations I’ve learned mostly the hard way that the other shoe will always drop snuffing out whatever joy and happiness I’ve managed to snag.  It’s probably my left shoe. 

There’s a local TV station here in Denver that has organized and sponsors a “Health Fair” every April the past 15 years or so.  They offer all manner of testing and consulting for very reasonable fees and use medical volunteers to draw blood etc…  I’ve not felt up to par of late, and decided to take advantage of the health fair and went in for a blood work up to see if there was anything that needed attention.  I suspected as much and the diagnostics served up the brutal truth.  My liver looks like the one they removed from David Crosby (Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young fame).  The good news is my PSA levels were lovely with no sign of prostate cancer.  The doctor indicated out of the 35 tests run, 4 of them came back with bad news all pointing to my liver as being seriously distressed.  Shit.

PLATELET COUNT IS LOW 115 – normal is 140-400 thous/mcl – not much can be done about this other than to fix what ails you.  If one has an unhealthy heart, kidney, or liver the count will be low.  Medical professionals use this as an indicator of the overall health of a patient.

GGT TEST:  153.  Normal range is 3 – 70 U/L  This test is to look for Cirrhosis, Hepatitis, and other liver diseases.  If you do the math my count is more than double the high side of the normal range!  Gad Zooks!

AST (SGOT):  60.  Normal range is 10 – 35 U/L  This test specifically targets the liver indicating damage.  Again my count nearly doubles the high side of normal.

TRIGLYCERIDES:  272  Normal is 150 MG/DL  They represent the level of fat in the blood and continued high levels often lead to diabetes.  However, in nearly all cases with high levels of Triglycerides heavy drinking is involved.

I had announced and actually stopped drinking in 2005.  It was far more difficult than when I quit smoking!  Not only do you fight the addiction to alcohol, what I missed most was the social interchange and gamesmanship at the bar.  So I convinced myself I would walk into the bar and order a diet coke or ‘near’ beer but instead discovered being sober around a bunch of drunk’s sucks!  Most times they think they’re funny, honestly they really do, and suppose I was no different… no..no..that’s not true, I really was funny!  Anyway I suspect drinking large amounts of Diet Coke would be just as bad for you so my trips to the bar became infrequent.  But when I retested 5 months later all counts were back to the normal range.  The doctor told me if I had to drink stick with red wine.  I adhered to his advice for a time but eventually went back to Vodka drinking mostly doubles and triples.

So once again I’m engaged in the painful act of sobriety.  Going on day 4 I expect it will go a bit smoother than seven years ago given my art studio, but know for a fact I’ll become irritable and snippy.  I’m apologizing in advance.

Happy Trails,

zuki

ROBIN GIBB IS REVIVED BY OUR HOLYMAN….diatribe is given a dinner

Apr 24

Posted by Marzuki in 'Blind' Richard, ASS, Bagwan, Blathering, Blood Sucking, brain dead, Bucket List, Butchered Songs, Cancer, Cremation, Dead Musicians, Death, Health Issues, Live Happily Everafter, Old People, Pain, Preminition, Rest in Peace, Rumors, stinky feet, Wasted Time | 10 Comments

Good Morning Believers of Fard,

For those of you that haven’t met our “Holy Fucker” he currently is a man of leisure with little to do but point out minor flaws and faux Pas of both family and associates.  While technically correct in his assessment of Mr. Gibb’s condition, and his wrongful inclusion on my death list, I think we can all agree it’s simply nit-picking.  Already in possession of a pound of flesh, he’s now going after my blood. 

The Bagwan writes:

When I tried to explain to Zuki that he was premature with his Robin Gibb death announcement he, of course, got snippy with me. All I was trying to do was protect the journalistic integrity of the Diatribe and my reward was a terse three sentence (and 3 exclamation point) response making it clear that my help wasn’t needed.

I think Zuki has lost track of the fact that people rely on the Diatribe for cutting edge, current events information. What if on his way home from accounts receivable fez stopped off at his favorite watering hole for a Campari and soda and announced to all present that Robin Gibb had died. Suppose one of the patrons took exception to that erroneous piece of info and a knife fight ensued.

Well my snippy friend please read the following dated 4/24/12 from the BBC:

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Robin Gibb has ‘beaten the odds’, son says

Bee Gees singer Robin Gibb, who woke from a coma at the weekend, has been laughing and joking and wants to go home from hospital, his wife has said.

Dwina Murphy-Gibb told ITV News her husband was “really happy… he just wants to get out”.

Gibb’s son Robin-John said: “They gave him an under 10% survival chance and he has beaten the odds… he really is something else.”

The 62-year-old star fell into a coma last week after contracting pneumonia.

He has also been battling colon and liver cancer. Gibb’s son said his father was “completely compos mentis now”.

The family – including son Spencer and daughter Melissa – had been playing Bee Gees tunes to the singer as he lay in a coma and noticed Gibb trying to mouth words to the songs.

The family credited a recording of “Staying Alive” they had recently received from America for the final stage of this remarkable recovery. The source of the CD is identified only as a Holy Man from the Rockies.