1,888 MILES TO THE FRAT PARTY FROM HELL…..beowulf takes zuki to end of pier

Good Morning Victims of Maladroitness,

Having just finished the hellish experience of being confined in a car with the “Grizwald’s” for 3.5 hours I had to step back and look for meaning in small pieces. When it comes to paralytic mind-numbing abuse you’d be hard-pressed to walk away from one of “Papa C’s” debaucherously infamous homecomings!

The insidious thing about being a guest though is that one is never quite clear as to the exact itinerary of the long weekend and tend to lay it on you once you’ve arrived leaving me virtually trapped with two continuously shedding dogs that piss every time you use the front door. My phone was immediately confiscated hindering any plans of escape.  The Grizwald’s assured me they’d be back.


Again, having 72 hours to analyze just what happened to us, I believe Beowulf was responsible for more of the egregious behavior displayed by the youngsters and should have been anticipated by the adults in charge. Jeez.

“We first meet Beowulf as he sails, leading a group of Geatish warriors, to the land of the Spear-Danes, where he offers his services (killing all enemies by cutting them in half with a sword) to King Hrothgar. Beowulf battles two demons, first the man-eating Grendel, then Grendel’s bereaved mother, defending the Danes from these vicious killers.”

After the 3.5-hour death march to Ft Pierce, FL home to #3 son my host’s youngest that manages a ‘Peddle Pub,’ Living with 4 very large roommates that must average 300 lbs apiece, thought it funny to lead me blindfolded into the house. Blindfold removed I was immediately confronted by Beowulf’s shrine. Sitting fully loaded and ready for use, ‘Beowulf’ is the name given to a four (4) foot tall bong with a bowl holding at least a half-ounce of righteous cannabis laid waiting.

I was ordered to take a hit. I tried to humor my captors but they wouldn’t have any of it.  When 300 pounders threaten you, take my word for it….do what they say! My next attempt might be the largest hit I’ve ever taken as four feet of thick smoke went straight to the bottom of my lungs! My eyes rolled to the back of my head and proceeded to cough up my right lung. When I came too… the roommates had reloaded Beowulf and handed it back to me.  Lord have mercy on me!

The first two days were cold yet I wasn’t allowed to wear my coat. Clark Grizwald took us to visit half-dozen bars on the beach where the sun was shining but the wind was killer. We walked down the promenade and got completely hammered. Evidently, when headed out of ‘Crabby’s’ our last stop on the beach tour Ellen Grizwald felt she’d been cheated regarding our tab.

Ellen is not to be trifled with regarding a $15 overcharge. She demanded to see the manager! She lit into the young manager and shredded him screaming, “You punk-ass dipshit! NOBODY, I MEAN NOBODY ORDERED THE CODFISH SURPRISE! And please point out which one of us ordered a Gin Martini! As far as the service goes, it was like being waited on by the “Lolli-Pop Guild” (Wizard of Oz reference) all short wearing curled up shoes. Credit my account immediately”!  With watery eyes and quivering lip, he credited her account asking her forgiveness. I was apprehensive about her turning on me…jeez

Son’s number 1 & 2 provided good company when Ma and Pa Kettle slipped away to bed without so much as a “Goodnight ‘Bossman’ see you in the morning.” I’ve become used to it but was actually a pleasant surprise this time. I’ve known all three boys since they were born and have seen them grow and mature until a teary-eyed goodbye when they left Denver for good. So I very much enjoyed talking and smoking with them as young men.

With the exception of being held captive, nipple clamps (when passed out), kneed in the groin, a football to the head, threatened by 300 lb roommates, binge-watching ‘The Office,’ sores on my feet, 12% reduction in cognitive reasoning, “You got a friend in Jimbo”, Gefilte Fish, freezing in Florida, Lutfisk sandwiches, splinters in my ass, and the always dreaded four hour erection, I had a pretty good time!