DESPERATION RUNS WILD AT THE MAGGOT…..zuki shuns the scholar dawn

Good Morning Advocates of Epigone,

“The wine urges me on, the bewitching wine, which sets even a wise man to singing and to laughing gently and rouses him up to dance and brings forth words which were better unspoken.” Homer (not Simpson you idiot)

I think most of us can agree that given the routine of our daily lives; occasionally there are times we run across something that doesn’t feel right. A moment of uncertainty, a second look, or just plain cockeyed as the present is juxtaposed against oddity causing the issue to stand out as futile attempts to remove spaghetti sauce from a dress shirt!

The bulk of the gluttonous mess is removed but there’s always a crusty remnant everyone sees regardless of how desperately we wish it to be otherwise. These moments in time are often left unexplained or worse misunderstood.

“The unambitious sluggard pretends that the eminence is not worth attaining, declines altogether the struggle, and calls himself a philosopher. I say he is a poor-spirited coward.” William Makepeace Thackeray

Over the years there have been a number of people that visit the Maggot that I suspect    is looking for a home bar “where everybody knows your name.” Some have been embraced and welcomed for their unique contributions and fit in with the inane yet complex interchanges at curmudgeon corner; while others wilt and go away.

They’ve been both male and female of all ages and felt comfortable exchanging lampoons with the rules committee. But over time these people have not lasted long. Two weeks seems to be the timeframe for most self-respecting players to finally recognize the curmudgeons have an inexhaustible stockpile of material! In essence, these well-meaning bastards become drained from the constant pressure of returning fire. It becomes easier to find another place as opposed to the continual verbal onslaught so we never see them again.

Lately, though I’ve discovered a fly in the ointment, a whippersnapper in the woodpile, or a joker in the deck if you will. There is a bag-lady that keeps coming back to Maggot’s for several months now even after humiliating herself in front of Curmudgeon Corner! She claims to be going to school yet she’s nearly illiterate and whistles her ‘S’s from missing teeth. She calls herself ‘Dawn’ but I find the name misleading.

Then there’s the moron calling himself “Dude” but the ‘Rules Committee’ calls him ‘Dudd’.  He always wears shorts, (even during snowstorms) has no chin, and has pasty skin with clogged pores. I suspect he’s close to being blind given the thickness of his glasses and sports a scraggly mustache comparable to a sixteen-year-old’s first attempt; I’m talking Maria here!

I spoke albeit briefly with ‘Dawn’ but it was long enough to determine her lack of social skills. Given her dishabille style and clumsy demeanor, I came away from the conversation feeling quite sure she’d be disappearing like all the others. This has not happened!

This pertinacious ‘ugly duckling’ is oblivious to being shunned by both sides of the bar! She’s tried to befriend those who scream at TV’s and are otherwise known as the slobbering drunks on the west side to no avail. Now you can find her pathetically sitting near the center of the long bar still trolling for companionship and still alone.

In an emergency meeting of the ‘Rules Committee,’ we’ve strangely agreed upon a course of action. The next time “Dawn” rolls in, Bombshell has agreed to sit next to her as long as she can take the heavy-handed fumes from Gardenia perfume. Paint-by-numbers Smith will collect our misfit and introduce her to the Dudd. This will be EPIC! If ever there was a match made in heaven, this is it! I smell romance in the air, don’t you? Wait a minute….. that’s not love….jeez Louise ‘Dawn’ has a bad case of flatulence!

I know the above sounds harsh even mean-spirited and the two or three of you reading this act of kindness feel compassion for this pariah, but reality dictates the need for drastic measures as humiliation and shame have had no effect on either one. You’ll have to trust me on this one. What we’re doing will actually result in the psychological well-being of both individuals thereby enhancing everyone’s experience at the bar.

In time you’ll come to thank me for what we’ve done.