Good Morning Otherworldly Peepholes,
Throughout the ages, there have been unsolved mysteries that still baffle scientist or other self-described experts even today. Easter Island, Elvis, and Cush are right there with UFO’s or paranormal phenomena.
Being cynical by nature, I dismiss most of these things out of hand. Next to the Maggot I’ve never experienced anything one would consider inexplicable, so I plod along assimilating life’s rich pageant and hopefully learn the lessons contained therein. Certainly, it’s tough enough without having to worry about aliens or ghosts. I mention this simply to provide context for what I’m about to unfold.
Over my last several rotations I’ve begun to notice something odd about my shoes that require laces. As do most of you, I own a pair of boots, sneakers, and Dockers, all of which require shoelaces. Up until the last few years I’ve managed to tie a bow that is even and straight across the tongue; perfect.
It’s not necessarily unusual for one’s laces to become untied and have to execute the same knot and then continue on, however recently I’ve noticed that it’s only the left shoe that needs this attention. This oddity needs to be done at least three times daily. Never the right, only the left!
I use the same two-handed technique to secure a good bow, and always make sure to pull the knot tightly as possible. Yet within hours, the left shoelace is untied. It makes no difference what pair of shoes I’m wearing; it’s always the same result.
I can hear the two or three of you reading this adamantine “Zuki why in Bagwan’s name would you choose to discuss this?” I’m hip.
Normally one would refrain from telling this weird accounting of flawed chopines to friends or relatives because an intervention would surely follow. Nevertheless, the association at the bar(s) is different in that most things discussed there are silly, so I gave it a shot.
I explained this bizarre tale of ‘my left shoe’ to a few of my associates in hopes of eliciting a logical explanation, or at the very least sympathy. As you’ve no doubt already guessed, I got neither.
To give you a little taste of what I was forced to listen to, I’ve given a small synopsis of the suggestions received by a few of my associates. Please consider the source before judging these morons too harshly:
Murph the Hairdresser’s Theory:
He insists my confliction is caused by the spirit of my ex-wife, who by the way is not dead. Somehow her spirit is following me around untying my shoe to drive me mad. He predicted that if I didn’t succumb to madness, to expect cut brake lines…jeez I might buy into this if she had passed on, but I’ve got to believe she’s got bigger fish to fry than send her spirit out to “taunt me a second time,” but I intend to get my brakes checked anyway.
Paint-by-numbers Smith’s Confession:
This layer of latex has taken credit for my ongoing dilemma and confessed to a clandestine vendetta against me for the many revelations of his life of perversion as outlined in this our humble forum. He says he’s able to sneak up, kneel down and gently loosen my shoelace, then wait for me to notice. He claims it gives him pleasure. While I’m certain this isn’t the only time he’s kneeled in front of another man, but it hardly explains the hundreds of occurrences outside the bar!
Bagged One’s Comment:
“It’s because you’re gay!” I expected little else.
Obviously, there are forces at work here beyond my comprehension nor is there a plausible explanation. I suppose it will go down in history as yet another example of how little we collectively know about our universe and will be added to the long list of inexplicable occurrences.
Meanwhile, I’ve invested in the virtues of Velcro. Jeez.