Good Morning Political Hack-jobs,

Well, I’ve finally had enough. I can’t take it anymore! If I read one more distorted twitter, twisted lie, or redefine an issue I will go postal!

I know I vowed to keep this forum apolitical, but how is it possible that two accounts of the same activity or event can be interpreted 180 degrees from each other? “Alternative facts?” Yet for political expediency, one hack will adopt the version he/she thinks will garner the most votes regardless of what the truth actually is.

I find this unconscionable! These yahoos are supposed to represent our interests on the political battlefield and not their own personal agendas. In fact, some of them have actually said they know better than we do in terms of what’s good for us, but do appreciate your input which of course they’ll take under advisement. So after some discussion with the Bagwan (says he’s politically neutral), Murph, Cush, Bombshell, and Joe, I made the decision to run for office.

I know this represents a big change for this our humble forum and run the risk of alienating the two or three of you reading this twaddle, but I must begin my campaign by establishing a grassroots movement (not bowel movement Cush!) to make signs, slogans, and do email blasts. I believe I have four people willing to be my grassroots contingency group should I not be able to generate one.

That was a big load off my mind. I have filled out the paperwork required by the state and paid my $400 registration (thanks JJ) so I’m good to go. In between football games, I was thinking about strategies that would help introduce my platform to the masses and undermine my political opponents. I was feeling pretty good about things when I had an epiphany!

I read an article selected by the ‘Drudge Retort’ about a young 25 year old running for a House Seat in Washington State’s 25th district. It seems he’s pushed his way up in the recent primaries and is seriously challenging the incumbent.

It was revealed by his opponent our hero was guilty of some pretty inflammatory remarks on his blog that some say are extreme and reflect his true ideology. His opponents claim he has removed many of the more extreme segments from his site claiming he’s covering up his true beliefs. Hans says he’s grown up since those days 5-6 years ago and is more progressive in his politics. So he’s removed the blogs that are no longer relevant. Here’s a brief excerpt from an early blog now removed:

“One might wonder why the Girl Scouts have been spared the painful attacks that have been launched upon the Boy Scouts by the Left in recent years. The reasons are simple: the Girl Scouts allow homosexuals and atheists to join their ranks, and they have become a pro-abortion, feminist training corps. … If the Girl Scouts of America can’t get back to teaching real character, perhaps it will be time to look for our cookies elsewhere.” Hans Zeiger

To be honest, this story has opened my eyes. I remember discussing this very issue decrying the horrific scrutiny candidates must endure in a run for office. This skeleton hunt no doubt keeps highly qualified and level-headed rational people from running.

Did I inhale? Yes. Divorced? Yes. Do I watch porn? Yes, usually Sunday mornings. Cheat on ex-wife or taxes? Taxes, yes. Do I go to church? No. Do I believe in God? Not enough information. Been in trouble with the law? Yes. Have I written salacious things? “Depends on what the definition of is, is.” I think you can see what I’m up against.

I have posted 1,287 stories. Sadly most of them are fiction. While there are a few nuggets of truth scattered throughout, it’s safe to say the majority of them I invented. I don’t yet understand the need to do this other than to say it was all done in harmless fun. However, I’m doubtful if the world of politics will accept that notion on its face, so if I’m to be a serious contender I must remove the more slimy and licentious stories from this our humble forum lest they be used against me.

Unfortunately, it may not be possible to be 100% honest and win an election. It’s clear I indeed can be bought!

This “is just sad” but please remember a vote for zuki is a vote for the unwashed!