Good Morning and hopefully this satisfies the Minimum Daily Requirements,
What I’m about to unfold must remain here, never to be mentioned again. You must swear an oath that should you slip and reveal any of the following; you’ll be struck dead. I know this sounds a little contrived, but I can’t stress enough the importance of your collective discretion. So, if you’re unable to do this, please log off now.
Okay, assuming the two or three of you left can be trusted, let’s go:
I’m possessed. That’s right; I’m being controlled and manipulated by someone other than myself! If you think it’s easy, I’d warn you to be very careful as even though you’re not making decisions first hand, ultimately you’ll be held responsible. What’s worse is I think the entity pulling my strings is a woman! It’s not anything specific, but all of a sudden I have this weird fascination with taffeta. Please don’t read too much into this, but I found myself lingering much too long at the ‘home furnishings section at Nordstrom’s. While I’ve nothing against curtains and countertops, it’s just not me! Normally two or three pairs of shoes are plenty, yet there I was trying to pick a matching pair to coordinate with my Hawaiian shirt. I fully expect to get the easy gay or prissy remarks from a few of you, but honestly, that’s not it.
I did what any red-blooded male would do under the circumstances; I turned to academia for truth and light rather than concern myself with lip gloss. I accessed Guru and began reading an interesting account of Karma Sutra, when a pop-up ad covered a quarter of my screen. I deleted it without reading it. Seconds later it popped up again. It said “My name is Brandi, click here because we need to talk”. I immediately dismissed it as a come on ad from a porn site, deleted it, and continued reading. I’d just read the passage concerning mounting techniques and was actually enjoying the second-hand experience when the pop-up ad returned. This time it read, “zuki, I possess your soul and I’d like to discuss terms for giving it back”. I wasn’t sure if I was sober enough to discern if it was real or if I’d finally “shit in my flat hat”, so I clicked on the hypertext and waited for a naked woman to appear. I wasn’t quite prepared for what happened next.
By this time the accouterments suitable for the occasion kicked in and I had to clean my glasses! Like the ‘Wicked Queen” gazing into the mirror, an image slowly began to take shape on my computer screen. The image finally crystallized and I have to admit I was pleased at first. Her earrings matched perfectly with her ensemble. I asked the image (assuming she could hear me) why in the Hell she’d be interested in possessing my soul?
“Silent!” she fired back, “we don’t have much time”. I thought, “bitch” but kept quiet. “I possessed your soul for one reason, and one reason only. It was easy”! I wasn’t sure what she meant by that but I was tired of looking at china patterns so I continued to listen. “I need you to click your heels together three times and repeat the phrase ‘only women bleed’ three times. You must do this before the next minute is up or we’ll both be forever linked”. I eagerly obliged, and for the first time in awhile, I noticed the baseball game….jeez.