MARZUKI STRESS FOUNDATION……zuki visits queen kopafeelani and is healed

White_Sands_2Good Morning Thursday Sybarites,

I once again narrowly missed being wealthy. My Powerball ticket was only lacking 4 numbers and it broke my heart. 374,000,000 to 1 are tough odds to overcome. This continual losing streak is the primary reason for my skepticism concerning God’s existence.

In the early days I was tempted by sex, drugs, and rock n roll and managed to succumb to all of them. Why is it God refuses to tempt me with fabulous wealth? Is it because he/she already knows what will happen? Am I that predictable? I think not!

I had philanthropic plans for that 220 million landing in the hands of some mechanic in Deadwood. While I don’t know this person but highly suspect he’ll end up squandering the money on pernicious self-interests without a dime to charity! I on the other hand would have used the money to create the “Marzuki Stress Foundation.”

This multi-million dollar state-of-the-art facility would be built in Kona, HI to help citizens without means learn how to cope with stress. Medical journals have collectively stated stress is the number one factor in triggering heart attacks or strokes. Let’s take a look at this insidious killer.

“Stress can significantly affect many of the body’s immune systems, as can an individual’s perceptions of, and reactions to, stress. The term psychoneuroimmunology is used to describe the interactions between the mental state, nervous and immune systems, as well as research on the interconnections of these systems.”

Chronic stress has also been shown to impair developmental growth in children by lowering the pituitary gland’s production of growth hormone, as in children associated with a home environment involving serious marital discord, alcoholism, or child abuse.” If only God could see to it I hit the big number, I’d save countless human beings from a lifetime of sorrow and pain and prevent spreading it to their dwarfish offspring. Is this not a worthy cause?

The “Marzuki Stress Foundation” would offer a place people could chill out and learn how to manage stress. This management course would be conducted primarily by me. Given my level of experience with the devil stress, my ability to laugh at indignation, and yet manage to keep off the bridge makes me uniquely qualified. Each session will last three days. Any longer students would run the risk of never wanting to return to their rat infested mainland domiciles.

After settling in, the first day consists of nothing other than to visit, layout, or bury oneself in the “Magic Sands” of La Aloa Beach Park. My friends if you’re still flummoxed after this experience you’ll have earned the next two hours at the Mokuaikaua Church, where one is ensconced in the life-giving bosom of Queen Kopafeelanni. You’ll beg me to stay but we’ve only just begun.

The evening requires all students to attend a group steam bath to lose all inhabitations about nudity. Jim ‘The Bartender’ will shepherd this discussion followed by Q & A. (Please don’t ask him to open a beer bottle with his butt cheeks)

A deep tissue full body massage will ensue (happy endings optional) allowing students to retire to their rooms completely tranquilized. This, of course, prepares them for the light reading concerning ‘Samadhi,’ a how to practical guide to finding one’s true blissful nature. For the record, I approached Brett to conduct this part of the seminar but was curtly told to f–k myself!

On the second day utilizing a helicopter, our attendees are dangled over Mauna Loa until they beg to be hauled back up. This exercise is to demonstrate how things can always be worse.

To reinforce this, a mandatory three-hour lecture by Cush; generally a stream of conscious experience about the Teamsters and his Aunt Myrna, the doors are locked so no one is allowed to leave. This forces the students to utilize what they’ve learned and deal directly with a desperate situation; it literally becomes their first test.

The third day consists of snorkeling and communing with the Green Turtles that thrive there. Legend has it if one is spiritual enough the turtles will actually talk to you. I’ve only met one person claiming to have this conversation but discovered Kyle (part-time Bartender) has in-depth conversations with his TV as well, so I’m doubtful.

My students would leave with a new sense of purpose in addition to a gift bag containing puka-shells, a small vile of “Magic Sand,” and a copy of Kama Sutra. They’d return to their hellish lives and deal with the sorted problems life’s rich pageant is apt to summon up. But this time they’re armed with the skills and tools learned at the ‘Marzuki Stress Foundation’ allowing them to cope without getting depressed or drown in a bottle.

These are certainly noble and upright desires; worthy of God’s attention. So for those of you praying for the winning Powerball ticket, stop it right now! Instead, pray that I get the winning numbers and you will have secured a place in heaven. I’ll personally guarantee this but only if you drop the prayers, because I don’t need the competition!