Good Morning Thursday Sybarites,
In the early days I was tempted by sex, drugs, and rock n roll and managed to succumb to all of them. Why is it God refuses to tempt me with fabulous wealth? Is it because he/she already knows what will happen? Am I that predictable? I think not!
I had philanthropic plans for that 220 million landing in the hands of some mechanic in Deadwood. While I don’t know this person but highly suspect he’ll end up squandering the money on pernicious self-interests without a dime to charity! I on the other hand would have used the money to create the “Marzuki Stress Foundation.”
This multi-million dollar state-of-the-art facility would be built in Kona, HI to help citizens without means learn how to cope with stress. Medical journals have collectively stated stress is the number one factor in triggering heart attacks or strokes. Let’s take a look at this insidious killer.
Chronic stress has also been shown to impair developmental growth in children by lowering the pituitary gland’s production of growth hormone, as in children associated with a home environment involving serious marital discord, alcoholism, or child abuse.” If only God could see to it I hit the big number, I’d save countless human beings from a lifetime of sorrow and pain and prevent spreading it to their dwarfish offspring. Is this not a worthy cause?
The evening requires all students to attend a group steam bath to lose all inhabitations about nudity. Jim ‘The Bartender’ will shepherd this discussion followed by Q & A. (Please don’t ask him to open a beer bottle with his butt cheeks)
A deep tissue full body massage will ensue (happy endings optional) allowing students to retire to their rooms completely tranquilized. This, of course, prepares them for the light reading concerning ‘Samadhi,’ a how to practical guide to finding one’s true blissful nature. For the record, I approached Brett to conduct this part of the seminar but was curtly told to f–k myself!
On the second day utilizing a helicopter, our attendees are dangled over Mauna Loa until they beg to be hauled back up. This exercise is to demonstrate how things can always be worse.
To reinforce this, a mandatory three-hour lecture by Cush; generally a stream of conscious experience about the Teamsters and his Aunt Myrna, the doors are locked so no one is allowed to leave. This forces the students to utilize what they’ve learned and deal directly with a desperate situation; it literally becomes their first test.
The third day consists of snorkeling and communing with the Green Turtles that thrive there. Legend has it if one is spiritual enough the turtles will actually talk to you. I’ve only met one person claiming to have this conversation but discovered Kyle (part-time Bartender) has in-depth conversations with his TV as well, so I’m doubtful.
These are certainly noble and upright desires; worthy of God’s attention. So for those of you praying for the winning Powerball ticket, stop it right now! Instead, pray that I get the winning numbers and you will have secured a place in heaven. I’ll personally guarantee this but only if you drop the prayers, because I don’t need the competition!