Hello Lovers of the Equinox,
As we approach the weekend sliding ever closer to spring it occurred to me that something was missing. Initially I couldn’t put my finger on it but definitely, something vital and important was late. As spring replaces winter and temperatures rise there’s a checklist of activities and ‘to do'(s) that tend to govern my awakening from hibernation. Locating my shorts, ankle socks, Hawaiian shirts,
Locating my shorts, ankle socks, Hawaiian shirts, sunblock, and new grips for my golf clubs become a litmus test for how prepared I am for this transition. I’ve not yet surrendered my coat to the closet yet, as any long time resident of the Rockies will tell you there’s one more big storm headed our way! I can always tell a ‘newby’ living amongst us mountain folk as they’ll be the ones caught in a spring snowstorm in shorts and T-shirt desperately clearing their windshields with sticks or cardboard box flaps.
Dropping off my summer shirts at the cleaners was the last task on my checklist but as I jumped in my car to seek solace at Maggot’s, I still couldn’t help but feel there was more to do. I walked into Maggot’s and found a seat at ‘Curmudgeon Corner.’ Over the din and glass clinging I was overjoyed to see Phat Ass Patty get shut down causing ‘Dumbo’ to leave in humiliation…There is a God!
But even this small victory wasn’t enough to ease the gnawing sense of accomplishment unfulfilled. I was joined by a few more curmudgeons but before I could “fart in their general direction” we were treated to something very rare at the Maggot; an unattached beautiful woman taking a seat next to the “Rules Committee.” She was dressed in a very short skirt with a sleeveless top that exposed her ample cleavage. As I continued to scan this gorgeous creature I followed the delicate curvature of her tanned legs garnished with anklet straps on her stiletto heels.
Then it hit me. I now realized what was missing!
This is the time of year that women, in general, begin to shed their winter wardrobes revealing lots of skin. Some women should show as much skin as they feel comfortable with while others (and you know who you are) should make an effort to corral and contain their skin before someone gets hurt. But unfortunately, many women of this ‘ilk’ who should be covered with a tent see themselves as alluring and will squeeze themselves into ‘Spandex’ outfits that cling to every wart and cottage cheese cellulite bulge.
Many can be seen waddling into Macy’s cosmetic counters for a ‘makeover’ to complete their self-perceived metamorphosis. The two or three of you still reading this blithely chore understand that to complete my spring checklist I must take it upon myself to insult and shame the more egregious offenders and point out how unattractive ‘Spandex’ makes them look. Then it’s important to sell them on the idea of a Moo-Moo! Only then will my work be done.
C’mon you old farts I know you agree with me. If you’re able to reduce the number of self-deceived beasts and get them to cover up, means much more pleasant gawking and less revolting revelations. Now get out there and hit them between the eyes….you’ll feel the pride of service to your fellow man! I’m just sayin…