last-will-n-testimentGood Morning Kvetches,

As we run up to Halloween, and seeing how my expiration date is nigh, I feel the need to organize my death. I thought it appropriate to get a few things straightened out regarding my last will and testament. Straight away Tammy, Phatt Ass Paddy, Jim the TV Screamer, Babe, Robert the Retard, Philthy Phil, all of Iowa, and Barack Obama are out. There are more, but the list is substantial.

First of all, I bequeath my cassette tape collection to my grandson Quinn McLaren Laurie. I could be wrong, but I expect them to become highly collectable over the next decade or two and trust he’ll know what to do with them. My library is considerable and should fetch (depending on inflation) a pretty penny.

Next, I’d like to transfer ownership of my faithful friend, a 1996 Toyota Camry to my youngest son. Depending on when I eventually leave this rock, this level of transportation is a big improvement over his, and certain he’ll enjoy what’s left. In the event I’m able to hang on for another decade, he’ll be first in line for my set of golf clubs. While not an accomplished player, I suspect he’ll warm up to it once he has the ole’ man’s clubs.

While “parting is such sweet sorrow” I’ll rest easily in my transition to dust knowing my art work (entire collection) will be appreciated and displayed proudly by my eldest son. He has a discerning eye, a sense of value, and never at a loss for words. These attributes make him uniquely qualified to destroy it if required.

To my daughter I leave my clothes and photo albums. She’s been hinting around that she wants to quilt something from my shredded clothing. I just hope I manage a load of laundry shortly before my demise. I’ve explained she may keep any money found in the pockets.

I know what you’re thinking. “Zuki, this is all well and good but there isn’t much left! You’ve given away all the good stuff so what could you possibly leave to the curmudgeon-ous ones?” I’m hip. I’ve given this some thought and may have come up with something brilliant! At the memorial/funeral after each of you (delivery is optional) have choked back the tears and offered your heart-felt eulogy, we’ll retire to Blondie’s for food and cocktails.

Upon arrival you will have noticed the envelopes laid out containing details for a ‘scavenger hunt.’

Using GPS coordinates you should be able to find the specific spot. The rest of clue will explain how to find little pieces of my life. There’ll be stuff like ball markers, Mardi gras necklace, favorite books, and as a grand prize my treasured cork screw. But mixed in I will leave a similar clue only this time it’ll be my Debit Card with pin #! Depending on the time and date of my demise the account could have $1,200 or completely overdrawn! It gives the event some level of excitement and might even be fun.

I hope this helps end the speculation and put to rest what to do with my wealth after I’m gone. Don’t worry I’ll have it notarized and make it official.