Good Morning Prinks of Would Be,
During last week’s whirlwind blitz of creative awareness brought about through alcohol’s good intentions, you may remember the hub-bub over Harold Camping’s prediction (again) regarding the ‘Rapture’ or end of the world as we know it.
I’m going to assume the two or three of you still reading this longueur are God-less heathens; unaware or more than likely detached concerning the ‘Rapture.’ As far as I know the term was coined by ‘Born Again’ snake handlers describing the 2nd coming of Jesus Christ. The Book of Revelations (see Bible) has a pretty good handle on what to expect, so I highly recommend it. In fact it should be required reading for the youngsters. Then they’d understand; and I’m paraphrasing here, but it states NO man knows the day or time and will be as a thief in the night when describing the ‘Rapture.’
I realize this isn’t news to anyone, but holy cow the world is filled with idiots and morons! Because of these phony bullshit artists a women here in Colorado tried to kill her two young sons to protect them from the dire conditions preceding Jesus’ second trip to this rock. Slitting their little throats seems a bit extreme even for a snake handler. Another simpleton quit paying his house payments, told his boss to F himself, and emptied his bank account to prepare. Let’s just hope Camping’s fall back date works for him. On the positive side there’s been a rash of ‘Rapture’ parties and some isolated post ‘Rapture’ looting of a Walmart in Tennessee! I think George Takei the “flaming” Star Trek actor summed it up very well when he said, “Today’s Rapture is postponed as Jesus awaits announcement of surprise guest spot on Oprah. Savior “hopeful” but “okay with it” if not picked.
In a prayerful conversation with the wall who suggested we discuss this with the help of our very own ‘Holy Fucker.’ But trying to make sense of the imbecilic behavior of nitwits bent on supporting snake handling hypocrites is a ‘slippery slope!’ The holy F-er (he/she insists I use this less formal name) is aware of this buffoonery and saddened by it. He/she further stated that I was to believe none of it save the post Rapture looting. Evidently, this is to be part of the ‘events package.’
Not being attuned spiritually all of these references to being taken from this rock leaves me in a stupor of thought. Didn’t we learn anything from ‘Heaven’s Gate’, Rev Jones & his magic Kool-Aid, Rev Moon, and the ever popular Chuck Manson?
After hours of prayer, meditation, and Vodka I’ve been authorized to announce the ‘Real’ end of days. I can hear you scoffing, “Sure zuki didn’t you just say no man knows this information?” I’m hip. However, the ‘Holy One’ is obviously neither a man or woman although depending on the situation will take on a gender persona to make the conversation less stressful.
This is a burden I’d rather not carry, and it’s with a heavy heart I disclose the date this rock will be destroyed.
DECEMBER 6, 2017 (please mark your calendars)
Now you can tell the boss to take a flying leap or empty your bank accounts! As a service to those of you that may have lived your life worthy of an eternity in Hell, and have yet to repent and do the right thing, I’m prepared to take your money and secure your way through the Rapture! I’ll make sure you’re seated on the right hand of God before it’s too late! This is your one and only chance at salvation! There is no deathbed repentance! For a measly $25,000.00 you’ll be able to wipe clean the slate of what your life’s become.
There are approximately 20 months left before the REAL ‘Rapture’ so only cash or certified funds will be accepted.