The following story I’m about to unfold is true in every detail. I felt I needed to emphasize this as the two or three of you reading this festering boil know I tend to embellish if not outright fictionalize the ‘Diatribe.’ Not this time!
Have you ever had a morning in which the chain of events unfolding before you is so surreal that there is no way it should be happening? Of course you have. The truth of the matter is it’s only Wednesday, better than Tuesday, but Wednesday all friggin day. I have a few ideas about how we might get through it but suspect I’ll need a dry run first before I bet the farm.
By now you must be thinking, “Okay zuki where is all this paramnesia headed?” It’s a fair question and no doubt deserves an answer but I’ll be damned if I have one….yet. I woke up after a long bout with insomnia only to discover it wasn’t Saturday morning. Somehow my internal calendar had fast forwarded through the week and was luxuriating in the thought of not having to rise and shine.
Oh the horror!
I hate the sound of my alarm….jeez I usually wake up early and turn it off before it goes off. I think I actually fell asleep between 3 am and 4:00 am and my alarm is set for 4:45 so I immediately struggled with whether to get up and be excited about work, or take a discretionary day. With me I can’t fall back into bed or the decision is already made…. I force myself to keep standing and walk around hardly aware of anything around me. But with the help of CBS Channel 4 morning news featuring Lauren Whitney my weather babe I zero in on her breasts slowly gaining cognitive thought. My stamina builds with each passing minute. Somehow when I watch her toss her hair back and smile I know she’s speaking directly to me! This is enough to get me to the shower where the job of becoming fully awake is finished with a hard scrubbing down.
I fought the good fight and now heading east on Hampden squinting at dawn’s first light coming out of Kansas and hampering my drive. Finally I was able to turn south on I-25 and the game was on. The Arapahoe Rd exit is a major three lane exit requiring skill and big set of balls to be in position for either lane one or two as lane three disappears quickly. Just as I secured my position on lane 2 a big fat SUV without signal moved immediately into my lane causing me jam on the brakes to avoid the idiot and crushed the horn! I felt obligated to let the putz know what an asshole he is. Ahhhhh it was a lovely drive but it wasn’t over yet!
I was in need of fuel and as a general rule prefer to get it coming into work as opposed to leaving work as I don’t wish any delays in heading elsewhere. I pulled into the proper slot and began dispensing fuel. I put in $20 of gas and had just put the nozzle back when I noticed the car in the adjoining slot was left unattended while the gas hose nozzle was locked on and pumping. Thinking that was pretty stupid I walked to the driver side just in time to see the abandoned nozzle fly three or four feet in a geyser of gasoline quickly forming a rivulet headed toward me! This particular idiot’s shut off valve obviously didn’t work and waited until this morning to discover he had a problem!
I jumped in the car and hit the gas pedal hard getting a bit of rubber and traveled the remaining quarter mile without incident. I haven’t heard one way or the other if there was a fire, but hopefully there was someone around whose first instinct wasn’t to spray it down with a hose!
Brains were in short supply for this morning’s commute.