Well it seems our very own Bagwan is exercised about a number of things, but in particular golf’s upcoming 2nd ‘Major’ The U.S. Open. He laments the demise of his long time hero and token African American Tiger Woods who has fallen on hard times. Evidently our ‘Holy Fucker’ will not try and lift Mr. Woods out of his current funk, but rather is dropped from Bagwan’s weekly trips to the Trinity! Shameful behavior but never-the-less a good story, please enjoy:
This week we can look forward to golf’s US Open, which for as long as I can remember has been scheduled to coincide with Father’s Day. Not surprising then that golf and Father’s Day are this week’s topics. Two special events falling on the same day remind me of an old story from the Bagwan family archives. When my daughter first got married she and her new husband came to our house to celebrate Thanksgiving. Coincidentally it was also Andy’s birthday which caused Old Lady Bagwan to inquire, “So Andy does your birthday always fall on Thanksgiving?” I wish to God that I was kidding.
Let’s start with the US Open. You have to call it the US Open to distinguish it from the Canadian Open or the Irish Open or even the Etcetera Open. So in other words, everyone including Arkansas has to identify their Open tournament by locale except the fecking English who are so important that they can just call theirs the Open Championship. When I was growing up and until recently it was always referred to as the British Open and so it shall remain with me.
This year’s US Open is going to be played somewhere near Tacoma, Washington on a course designed by Robert Trent Jones, Jr. Make careful note of the “Junior” designation because the course doesn’t look anything like the iconic courses designed by his father, Robert Trent Jones Sr. From what I have heard, you should picture a very scenic Putt-Putt course complete with windmills and a clown’s mouth that you have to putt through. To put it another way, this would be like downloading “My Way” by Frank Sinatra Jr.
I have always been a huge Tiger Woods fan. In fact, it is thought by some, that my support for him is my sole contribution to the cause of Civil Rights. He is one of the two greatest golfers of all time and one of the greatest athletes of the last 20 years. I bring this up because on this Wednesday I will have to submit my four man fantasy team in the US Open golf pool down at the Trinity Grille. I would like to continue my support of Tiger (not to mention Civil Rights) but I am afraid that for the first time in a long time Tiger will not be a member of Team Bagwan. I can’t tell you how much this pains me, but the shanks and yips always trump loyalty and compassion – even in the meditative community.
Let’s skip ahead to Father’s Day which as I mentioned coincides with the final round of the US Open. Not to pile on Tiger, but I suspect he will be able to spend Father’s Day with his children this year since I doubt his work is going to interfere. I am not much of a fan of Father’s Day but it has kept me in golf shirts over the years, so it has some value. I wonder if they are still considered “golf shirts” since I haven’t played in 4 years.
This year’s Father Day was going to be a special event for one of our own. As we mentioned last week JJ, after being moved by a particularly poignant episode of “Sanford and Son,” commissioned a search for a “Lamont” of his very own. We were overwhelmed with applicants and JJ being a very busy man, decided that it was too much for him to handle. Against my advice, he named Zuki to head the search. To be fair, Zuki not his first choice — Dawn the Bartender turned him down with one of her signature dirty looks and a harsh, “yeah right.”
The problem with putting Zuki in charge is that he is apparently unfamiliar with the concept of “conflict of interest.” I say that because here is a man who when given final say on who will be chosen, the next day declares himself the leading candidate to win the right to be JJ’s son. Well Roger the Hairdresser and Cush have both retained legal counsel and in the words of Whoopi Goldberg’s mother on the day she gave birth to Whoopi … “this is going to get ugly.”