Good Morning Pedantic Ones,
Mark Twain is one of my favorite authors/humorists of all time. One of his more famous quotes says, “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”
Hard to know if the two or three of you reading this bluster and bullshit remember or even care, but there’s been ongoing jousting between myself and the Bagwan regarding his infuriating claims of always being right. I fight him on it the best I can but he IS the Bagwan and perhaps connected to better resources. That said I’m much more cautious these days before making a wager with the ‘Holy Man.’
I happened to be in Legend’s a basement bar located in Cherry Creek, a very upscale shopping complex. I was seated at a table in a corner booth facing the window. While lost in my own thoughts, I couldn’t believe my eyes as out of the blue our very own Bagwan walks in taking a seat at the bar. It was obvious he didn’t notice me as I’m sure he had many weighty issues to contemplate.
I decided not to say anything and simply observe. Who knows he might reveal something I could hold over him—particularly if it leads to ME to being right and NOT the Bagwan.
Soon after our Holy of Holy’s ordered the ‘house’ Chardonnay some guy wearing an argyle sweater-vest over a lime green shirt came in and immediately pulls out his smart phone. By now we’ve all seen people like this. They’ve got their nose down and texting, reading, playing ‘Candy Crush’ or checking emails and will be self-absorbed for hours! Unfortunately for (we’ll call him Cliff after the Cheer’s local know-it-all) he was one seat from the Bagwan.
Cliff took notice of Dez our young bartender with a nice body and purple streaks in her hair. He immediately engaged her in a one-sided conversation. He began by explaining he was going to Ireland in a couple weeks and his top priority was to kiss the ‘Blarney Stone.’ I think it was supposed to be funny….but nary a chuckle. Then after regaling everyone in earshot about how the political differences between Northern Ireland and the Irish Republic was a direct result of Norman and English invasions; Dez had already slipped away glassy-eyed and unimpressed.
Undeterred, Cliff tried a different tactic. When Dez returned with another drink and before she could run off, Cliff quickly blurted out “I actually donated $2,000 to East High School’s baseball program!!” Then he waited for Dez to tell him what a great guy he was for his generous act.
Crickets….what a complete moron!
With zero interest from Dez, it was back to his Smart Phone. People like Cliff want desperately for you to like them and will spill their guts to anyone who’ll listen. The Bagwan was now on his third glass of wine and noticeably agitated. Cliff had no way of knowing what was coming as he responded to the ESPN talking heads about the mis-steps made during the NFL draft every year….
He had lit the fuse.
To demonstrate his vast knowledge of today’s game Cliff boasted that Tom Brady was a diamond in the rough as he was drafted in the 6th round. The Bagwan’s interest was finally piqued and replied, “Yeah so was Terrell Davis!” Cliff thinking he found a witness to his brilliance snapped back, “You don’t have to tell me anything about Terrell Davis, I’ve followed his career ever since he played at San Diego State!”
The enlightened one smelled blood in the water….and calmly said, “No Cliff that would be wrong….Davis played for Georgia.” Knowing he had this nitwit by the short hairs the Bagster’s annoying wry grin appeared. Not to be one upped, Cliff full of confidence (full of something anyways) and with elevated voice said, “I’ll bet you anything that you’re WRONG!” The Bagwan swiveled his head ‘no’ in acknowledgment….still smiling.
Cliff immediately sought the Internet and after what appeared to be allot of triple checking of what he’d found turned ashen and dropped his phone hard on the bar. In woefully painful tones and shaking his head in disbelief Cliff repeatedly cried aloud, “I can’t believe I didn’t know that!” He said it so many times Dez had to remind him to keep it to himself! The Bagwan was very pleased.
With just the right amount of cheese, the Bagster tossed a $20 to Dez with a wink & nod as to what had just taken place. With surprising adjility the Holy Man jumped and clicked his heels waving goodbye without looking back!
There is no defense for Cliff’s idiocy in the above case, but I’ve personally suffered similar embarrassments with our Holy Man as have many others. His aloofness has become legendary and while currently full of himself, I know of at least 5 plots to take the Bagwan down the road of incorrect! He will fall…and fall hard!