LOVE & HAPPINESS UNDER FALSE PRETENSE…….zuki descends slippery slope

Holiday Bar-tender Billy-Bob
Holiday Bar-tender Billy-Bob

The following posting was originally posted in January 2008.  My financial situation has improved dramatically since then and thought you might enjoy the re-post:

Good Morning American Gigolos,

It’s been said by a wiser man than me, that “To resist the frigidity of old age, one must combine the body, the mind, and the heart.  To keep these in parallel vigor one must exercise, study, and love.” Well two out of three ain’t bad!

I found my way to Morrison this past Saturday night and stopped at the ‘Holiday Bar’ for a cold one on my way to the ‘Little Bear.’ For the two or three of you unfamiliar with these Colorado hot spots, they represent one of a few mountain drinking establishments that cater to curmudgeon-ous a-holes like me. I had an hour to be unmolested with my thoughts so I strolled in and took a seat at the end of the bar furthest from the door.

The ‘Holiday Bar’ much like the ‘Little Bear’ has a rustic ambiance I relish. Old creaking wood is preferable to stainless steel and glass the younger Gen-X crowd seems drawn to. I don’t know, I find it to be sterile if not cold; void of character or warmth. I digress…..

I never made it to the ‘Little Bear.’ Trudy found me and for whatever reason decided to engage me in conversation. Trudy is near my age and even through my beer goggles could see she was homely and looked matronly. But from what I could see, her body is still holding up well and was skilled in my unique verbal repartee and sparring.

Later that evening I was told by one of her friends that she is wealthy owning half of Morrison. I took that under advisement given my precarious financial situation but actually enjoyed our conversation. She pointed to what appeared to be a make shift shrine with incense and candles that illuminated pictures of Susan with various friends in and around the Holiday Bar.

Evidently Susan succumbed to hard drugs as she overdosed and was the focus of what could only be described as a wake including a live blues band. I recognized this woman from previous trips up the mountain, but really didn’t know her. I walked over to the shrine and studied the pictures. As most snap shots do, she was depicted as happy and seemed to have an abundance of friends. Yet she obviously suffered pain. I think I understand the kind of pain that opiates and alcohol sooth but never remove. It’s an insidious kind of self-administered fog that never leads to healing; only tragedy such as Susan’s.

I’m sorry for the above drama, but I think it’s important to put this story in proper context as I’m again standing at the crossroads. I don’t want to sound melodramatic here, but understand my dilemma. Trudy actually seems to like me. I get the impression she’d like to pursue something more serious which of course is what I’d like. The two or three of you still reading this sad sack know very well I’m without a vessel to micturate in!

Given my impecuniousness I’m entertaining thoughts of impropriety that border on thievery! Trudy is smart and evidently wealthy but I’m not physically attracted to her, which for me is vital to any serious relationship! Being embarrassed about my current life, lately I’ve begun to lie about my stability to women in hopes of avoiding the pain only losers can appreciate. However in the end, the truth always surfaces exposing me as a liar.

These occasions are humiliating as I’ve always prided myself on being honest and true to myself as well as others. But my ongoing struggle for legitimacy has caused a lack of resolve in this regard settling for brief associations based on half-truths and lies. While I occasionally get laid, I don’t like this side of my persona. Having said this though, I’m staring at retirement right between the eyes.

I know most of you doubt the voracity of my accountings, but this time it’s the truth and I mean every word! Here’s my confliction: Do I lead Trudy to believe I’m interested in her for a serious relationship or offer the truth?  I don’t think it would take long to expose myself as a thief!  Do I dwell with Trudy with the sole purpose of accessing her money? Or do I simply withdraw as I normally would, given the absence of any physical attraction?

I knew the answer before I actually contemplated it…..I did the right thing.

zuki