Good Morning Sufferers of Zoanthropy,
While the weekend served up a few surprises, it was child’s play compared to the self-inflicted wound administered by one of our own. I’ve heard from a seldom reliable source that this person was hospitalized from eating Death Cap Mushrooms. Left untreated, the toxins contained in these fungi will rapidly shut down a person’s liver.
While I’m all for harvesting Mother Nature’s bounteous goodies as we all are, but damn it man, one needs to know what the hell one is doing. I promised not to reveal this person’s identity, but suffice it to say we’ve all sought his guidance one time or another. He often takes on the mantle of being the collective conscious of ‘Curmudgeons Corner.’
It seems this man of holy aptitude recently consulted a Nanai Neoshaman about the use of entheogens to achieve perfect psycho-connection between him and those he encounters. While it’s hard to blame anyone for wanting to improve, but as it turned out, the experience has actually caused our Holy Man to become more embittered than ever! After spending a week with Shaman Little Stick wandering the primeval coastal forests of Oregon, our well intentioned friend felt ready to go it alone in his ‘Vision Quest’ and seek sustenance from the land.
He traveled south to the San Francisco area near Big Sur. With only a burlap bag, he girded up his loins and hiked deep into the woods. Two days in he found it difficult to find those roots and berries that seemed so plentiful a couple hundred miles north. With the exception of a few grubs and tree bark, our quixotic associate ate nothing and was weak with hunger.
While self-deprivation is an important part of this process, he’d give it up right there and then for a Philly Cheese Steak! By day four, he found himself too weak to move, each step further sapping his energy. He barely sustained life and knew he’d soon become forest food if he didn’t locate something to eat. He gathered what strength left and plodded along looking under fallen trees, rocks, and the occasional birds nest for nourishment.
At last he came upon a rotting tree and lo and behold it was covered with mushrooms! He filled his burlap bag, and then began to stuff handfuls into his mouth. With hunger so intense he hardly chewed swallowing his booty whole. Engorged, our would-be Shaman laid on his back thanking the forest for his good fortune.
But within 15 minutes his gratitude turned into abject pain. The Death Caps began to eat away at the holy man’s liver doubling him over and at the same time the psilocybin induced hallucinations were far beyond anything he’d experienced in college. Trees began melting; creeks turned to blood, and he was convinced to follow the bright lights. In severe pain and a fever off the charts, our beloved associate stripped down to his loincloth and began to run knowing his only chance was to make it back to the highway, west some 15 miles.
Nearly blind he stumbled and fell rolling 50 feet before a boulder stopped him. The tumbling motion caused him to vomit which in the end the doctors agreed may have saved his life! He realized he was bleeding from the constant scraping of tree limbs as he ran by. But in his advanced hallucinatory state, the blood appeared as glitter and in his altered reasoning thought it meant he’d been turned into the Elfin King not subject to the suffering of mortals.
It’s difficult to fathom how he made it to the highway, but bleeding and agonized by pain he staggered along the shoulder completely naked until the Death Caps overcame him physically and fell unconscious on the road.
Against my better judgment, I visited our associate still in the hospital to see if he’d lost all cognitive ability from his torturous week. He didn’t recognize me at first, but finally gave me a wry smile and flipped me off! I suspect he’ll make a full recovery.
As we all know, this wanna-be holy man tends to be a bit fussy and has asked anyone else considering a visit to perform personal insertion and spin. Very nice eh?
I took up a collection to purchase the kind of mushrooms he was looking for so he can attempt another sojourn into the woods. The “Send Bagwan Away” campaign has been so successful that we’ve raised enough money to send him to Borneo where with any luck at all, he’ll find his purpose and dedicate the rest of his life serving the indigenous people. But far more likely to happen is they’ll expose his words as bullshit and set him on fire!…… Let us Pray!