SOILED SHIRT STINGS BAGWAN…..sniffs out culprit

shit stain opptyThe movie “To Have and Have Not” should be good given that it stars Humphrey Bogart, is based on a novel by Hemingway and has William Faulkner as a screenwriter. It should be good but it is not. It does, however, have some memorable lines. The most famous one is by Lauren Bacall about whistling (“just put your lips together and blow”). My favorite lines are all from Walter Brennan who plays Eddie, an old rummy. The one he repeats throughout the film is: “Was you ever bit by a dead bee?”

Eddie: Say, was you ever bit by a dead bee?
Beauclerc: I have no memory of ever being bitten by any kind of bee.
Slim: Were you?
Eddie: You’re all right lady. You and Harry’s the only one that ever—
Harry: Don’t forget Frenchy.
Eddie: That’s right. You and Harry and Frenchy. You know you gotta be careful of dead bees, if you go around barefooted. Cause if you step on ‘em they can sting ya just as bad as if they was alive, especially is they was kinda mad when they got killed. I bet I been bit a hundred times that way.
Slim: You have. Why don’t you bite them back?
Eddie: That’s what Harry always says. But I ain’t got no stinger.  propertuckage

I bring this up because I have an equally compelling question: Did you ever shit on your shirttail? It’s like the dead bee in that it is not something you ever think about until it happens and then it becomes a major problem —especially if you are in a public restroom.  Think about it for a moment. First of all you don’t even know this has happened till you go to tuck your shirt back in. You feel the moisture and pray it is just water but a glance at your hand tells you otherwise. Now the fun begins with the question of how are you going to clean it. Ihave to tell you that it is humiliating to be standing in the restroom at DIA in just your suit pants washing fecal matter out of your shirt. The Curmudgeon Corner alternative would be to simply tuck it back in as is, take your seat on the plane and act like you are looking around for the smelly offender.

My other favorite line from the movie also comes from Eddie:

Eddie: Drinking don’t bother my memory. If it did I wouldn’t drink. I couldn’t. You see, I’d forget how good it was, then where’d I be? Start drinkin’ water, again.

Bagwan

  • zuki

    AMEN!

    • bagwan1

      AMEN! — what the fuck does “AMEN!” mean?
      We are looking for direction here not just some flabby assed hi-five.
      If you think that there is some proactive method to avoid dirtying yourself plus your shirttail or let’s even go beyond that — to not shit in your shoes, your shorts or your sheets lets hear it right now.
      You know what this is a job for Scatology Man — the DV ANT!

      • ZUKI

        AMEN!!!!

  • bagwan1

    That instruction on how to tuck your shirt is helpful but like you I really don’t tuck that may shirts these days. Which raises the interesting possibility that a fellow could leave his restroom stall and go merrily on his way, completely unaware that he has soiled his newest Tommy Bahama
    Knowing that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure perhaps the greatest service you could provide your vast readership would be an instruction video on how to keep shirttails out of the line of fire.

  • zuki

    Up until a year ago tucking in shirttails was impossible…..however these days I appreciate your courage to discuss this important aspect of personal hygiene. I hope and trust the two or three of you reading this ass wipe are the better for it.