LOOKING TO DIE….zuki sees a moneymaker

Good Morning Ninnyhammers,

There’s a fly in the ointment, a skunk in the woodpile, and a turd in my soup.  I’m really not sure how it started, and there are still some lingering questions to ask, but how come I’m the only one to see spirits from the late Dr. Death’s waiting list?  Evidently I’ve become some kind of medium and now channeling old farts that want to die.  They’ve become lost and now their souls wander in a perverted limbo pathetically asking for help.  This is creepy enough all by itself, but I’ve been warned their collective essence will continue to torment me until I can pull the trigger so to speak.  I keep screaming at them “leave me the fuck alone!  Go ahead and eat a bullet; I DON’T CARE!!  Surprisingly there are rules against suicide and these sick and tired old people are unable to self administer their own deaths.

Why me?  Why have I been singled out to perform this ghoulish task?  Nobody had an answer, so rather than piss and moan about it I’ve decided to at the very least cash in on this “House of Usher.”  Having to actually kill these deranged geriatric patrons of death might be a pretty cool gig.  Putting the legal issues aside for now, think of the monetary ‘killing’ one could make.  Facilitating death doesn’t always have to be a somber cold winter’s day; rather create fantasy death scenarios that would be ordered from a menu much like a McDonald’s drive through!  “I’ll have a #8 but hold the midget clowns!”  I can visualize the menu now:

  • #1 – “Mountains of Flesh” – Two or three very large women smother you to death with mammary/Ass delight.  Done quickly or prolonged for a little extra money – $10,000.00.


  • #2 – “The Gasser” – For Jewish customers seeking ancestral affinity to Auswitzch.  Patron lies down in casket-like chamber headphones on listening to favorite music while an odorless lethal gas is slowly introduced.  Depending on the music selected will run from $6,000 to $8,000.


  • #3 – “Pancaked” – A very clean & efficient way to go as the customer will be taken up in a plane to 20,000 feet to ‘skydive’ using a parachute that has been rigged to fail.  $12,000.


  • #4 – “The Chase” – A bit gruesome but pretty sure there are those that would love to be stalked and hunted down by hungry (starved 20 days) “Lions, Tigers, and Bears…oh my” –  $20,000.


  • #5 – “LA-LA Land Lullaby” – Will be for the more cowardly patrons who’ll be furnished either a couch or bed and fed 15 Oxycodones and forced to wash them down with a fifth of 18 year old Macallans.  $5,000


  •  #6 – “Battering Ram” – Eyes open is optional of course, but patron is securely strapped to the front of their car or truck and driven into a bridge abutment at 60 mph.  $4,000 if their own car is used, $15,000 if I must provide the vehicle.


  •  #7 – “The David Carradine” – Patrons are flown to Bancock, checked into a hotel room with a hangman’s noose fastened to the closet door. Patron slips noose around the neck and will be offered porn to get worked up.  Just as patron arrives at critical mass the step stool is kicked out from under them to be hanged then left to be discovered by ‘Housekeeping.’  $25,000.


  •  #8 – “The Nightmare” – Evil Midget Clowns (five) will use pointy sticks to poke and prod inflicting pain while they humiliate and mock the customer.  Then feathers will be used to tickle using both pleasure and pain until patron begs, no pleads to end it all.  A garrote will be placed around the neck by the most sadistic midget clown and ridiculed until last breath is taken.  $14,000


  • #9 – “Vagabond” – Patron is blindfolded and driven to the desert to be booted out without food or water dressed only in a loin cloth.  Patron will be monitored and should it appear the customer is going to make it, they’re clubbed to death before they can.


  • #10 – “The Jimmy Hoffa” – Customer’s feet are incased in cement boots, then tossed into the body of water of their choosing.  $3,500 if location is within a 50 mile radius.  $6,000 otherwise.

While a bit gruesome, it’s still probably not as bad as being confined in close quarters with Cush.  Shit now that I think of it there’s another menu item:  “One-sided Conversation” – Patrons are forced to sit between Cush and our very own Just JOE unable to escape.  Dear God…that’s heinous!

No….I couldn’t bring myself to subject anyone to that torture.  Just sayin…


  • Just JOE

    OK… OK… let the speculation begin
    About where I’m from and where I’ve been
    Not too much to tell
    Some Heaven… Some Hell
    As for MOI genes, I’m part Chech and part Finn!

    • Bagwan

      cheech and chong might be a better estimate

  • Bagwan

    I would like to throw out a few comments in response to fez’ request for more info on Just Joe and Cush. Their conversational skills really only lack the ability to listen. Each is different in this listening deficiency. Cush just bulls straight ahead never even pretending that he wants to hear what you have to say. JJ on the other hand will ask you questions but before you are two words into the answer, he interrupts you to tell you what you really meant.
    On a personal level, I can’t add much about Cush. He just showed up one day at Deweys — sort of like a boil at the base of your scrotum. Now Just Joe and I met over 50 years ago, and the stories I could tell. Right now I really don’t want to reveal to much since I am just now putting the finishing touches on my three act play: “Just Joe… the Real Elvis.”
    Just to tease your interest for my play, I will share just a little with you. Just Joe is a lifelong bachelor but since he is neither thin nor neat you don’t have to bother with any gay speculation. He just never found the right woman and in fact almost all his opinions about women where formed by watching Lucy and Ethel in reruns.
    That’s all you get for now, please watch for announcements on the opening of the play next spring in Denver’s historic Elitch Theatre.

  • zuki

    Hello Tammy – Always pleasant when you weigh in.  I found it interesting that of the 10 choices for death you selected #4.  I sense you’d be thrilled to see me mauled and chewed to death.  Well that may be, but I’m here to tell you sister poopy-pants, the only noshing you’ll see is when you EAT ME!!  “Have a nice day”

  • Tammy

    I’d really really really like to see zuki take option #4.  If there’s a choice of animal, let’s throw zuki to the Hyenas 

  • Just JOE

    AND… SO… ZUKI opens a drive-thru Death-A-Mat
    Offering myriad ways to skin your cat
    Just pick a number
    For your final slumber
    Do you want maggots or flies with that?!

  • fez

    Zuki a most excellent posting!  Although there were a few questions regarding Cush and JJ’s conversational skills.  Accounts receivable would like a little more background on JJ as well as Cush.  Would it be too much to ask to post a general overview about these two?

    • zuki

      “As well as alethic values, such as truth, there are orectic values, which are possessed by desires, hopes, fear, etc…”
      –John Addington Symonds, The Aristotelian System

      It’s the orectic values that concern us here at the ‘Diatribe’ as there’s only so much truth that’s pertinent or even relevant for that matter.  Accounts Receivable’s wish to get more background on two of our own is a serious matter.  Bagwan’s insight into their respective conversation skills was spot on.  Management has issued an interoffice memo regarding your request which essentially leaves it up to each of them to offer information outside what has already been established.  We consider this matter closed. 

  • Bagwan

    The insidious part of the Cush/Just Joe option is that it doesn’t kill you, they leave that up to the victim. I remember once after a long and tedious session trapped between those two at Deweys I went to my car determined to end it all. I used the only weapon I could find. Let me tell you right now, that killing yourself with fingernail clippers is not an easy way to go.