There’s a fly in the ointment, a skunk in the woodpile, and a turd in my soup. I’m really not sure how it started, and there are still some lingering questions to ask, but how come I’m the only one to see spirits from the late Dr. Death’s waiting list? Evidently I’ve become some kind of medium and now channeling old farts that want to die. They’ve become lost and now their souls wander in a perverted limbo pathetically asking for help. This is creepy enough all by itself, but I’ve been warned their collective essence will continue to torment me until I can pull the trigger so to speak. I keep screaming at them “leave me the fuck alone! Go ahead and eat a bullet; I DON’T CARE!! Surprisingly there are rules against suicide and these sick and tired old people are unable to self administer their own deaths.
Why me? Why have I been singled out to perform this ghoulish task? Nobody had an answer, so rather than piss and moan about it I’ve decided to at the very least cash in on this “House of Usher.” Having to actually kill these deranged geriatric patrons of death might be a pretty cool gig. Putting the legal issues aside for now, think of the monetary ‘killing’ one could make. Facilitating death doesn’t always have to be a somber cold winter’s day; rather create fantasy death scenarios that would be ordered from a menu much like a McDonald’s drive through! “I’ll have a #8 but hold the midget clowns!” I can visualize the menu now:
- #1 – “Mountains of Flesh” – Two or three very large women smother you to death with mammary/Ass delight. Done quickly or prolonged for a little extra money – $10,000.00.
- #2 – “The Gasser” – For Jewish customers seeking ancestral affinity to Auswitzch. Patron lies down in casket-like chamber headphones on listening to favorite music while an odorless lethal gas is slowly introduced. Depending on the music selected will run from $6,000 to $8,000.
- #3 – “Pancaked” – A very clean & efficient way to go as the customer will be taken up in a plane to 20,000 feet to ‘skydive’ using a parachute that has been rigged to fail. $12,000.
- #4 – “The Chase” – A bit gruesome but pretty sure there are those that would love to be stalked and hunted down by hungry (starved 20 days) “Lions, Tigers, and Bears…oh my” – $20,000.
- #5 – “LA-LA Land Lullaby” – Will be for the more cowardly patrons who’ll be furnished either a couch or bed and fed 15 Oxycodones and forced to wash them down with a fifth of 18 year old Macallans. $5,000
- #6 – “Battering Ram” – Eyes open is optional of course, but patron is securely strapped to the front of their car or truck and driven into a bridge abutment at 60 mph. $4,000 if their own car is used, $15,000 if I must provide the vehicle.
- #7 – “The David Carradine” – Patrons are flown to Bancock, checked into a hotel room with a hangman’s noose fastened to the closet door. Patron slips noose around the neck and will be offered porn to get worked up. Just as patron arrives at critical mass the step stool is kicked out from under them to be hanged then left to be discovered by ‘Housekeeping.’ $25,000.
- #8 – “The Nightmare” – Evil Midget Clowns (five) will use pointy sticks to poke and prod inflicting pain while they humiliate and mock the customer. Then feathers will be used to tickle using both pleasure and pain until patron begs, no pleads to end it all. A garrote will be placed around the neck by the most sadistic midget clown and ridiculed until last breath is taken. $14,000
- #9 – “Vagabond” – Patron is blindfolded and driven to the desert to be booted out without food or water dressed only in a loin cloth. Patron will be monitored and should it appear the customer is going to make it, they’re clubbed to death before they can.
- #10 – “The Jimmy Hoffa” – Customer’s feet are incased in cement boots, then tossed into the body of water of their choosing. $3,500 if location is within a 50 mile radius. $6,000 otherwise.
While a bit gruesome, it’s still probably not as bad as being confined in close quarters with Cush. Shit now that I think of it there’s another menu item: “One-sided Conversation” – Patrons are forced to sit between Cush and our very own Just JOE unable to escape. Dear God…that’s heinous!
No….I couldn’t bring myself to subject anyone to that torture. Just sayin…