CUSH TAKES ONE FOR THE TEAM….zuki has shot of jagermeister

Good Morning Hephaestus,

I never enjoy these stories that involve the ‘Rules Committee’ and I’m always reluctant to reveal what is almost always bad behavior.  Nevertheless I’m honor bound to decry truth as I see it.  In what first appeared to be the normal staccato of radiator pipes turned out to be the crepitated outbursts of Cush the official driver and ‘shop steward’ for the ‘Diatribe.’  I’ll always remember our very own Cush as one of the more talented committee members as he learned to whistle through his ass using a modified chromatic scale. This of course was a tremendous source of pride to him and his family.  God rest his soul.

We lost one of our own over the weekend.  Cush fatefully went on a camping trip with his two sons whom we’ll call ‘Skidder’ and ‘Murphy’ to protect their identities.  As are most, a family’s genetic pool often presents surprising similarities between parent and child.  While there was some speculation as to who actually ‘fathered’ Cush’s boys, but his family was no different!  I have a reasonably reliable source who said Skidder has the propensity for arson!  I found this to be hilarious given Cush was the original Hephaestus the Greek ‘Blacksmith’ to the God’s and still remains the only person to ever light a fire with his face!

Evidently Skidder was responsible for burning down Murphy’s tent.  As I heard the story, there was a drunken altercation spawned from a dead vaporizer battery.  Each accused the other of spacing it out leaving it behind which ultimately led to a fist fight.  Murphy was taking it to Skidder pretty good but before Cush could break it up a beautiful pine tree exploded into flames from what was left of Murphy’s tent.

Real panic ensued.

Being a former military man Cush took charge and immediately formed a bucket brigade.  Skidder dipped a bucket into the nearby lake then ran it to Murphy who found his dad who then strategically tossed the water on the flames.  Unfortunately though, it wasn’t fast enough to stop the flames that continued to spread.

By now a dozen trees were ablaze and spreading quickly.  Sirens could be heard in the distance assuring Cush that help was on the way.  But in his own mind Cush believed his ‘Johnson’ was actually a fire hose, so in his besotted state whipped it out and began to piss on the fire but only managed to singe his pubic hair creating a foul odor in his pants.

The fire was officially out of control.

Thankfully the fire fighters showed and quickly surrounded the blaze putting it out within twenty minutes! Cush not wanting his young sons to have ‘Arson’ on their future rap sheets and being a good father in general stepped up and took blame for the fire.  Much to his chagrin though he was immediately arrested.  The Forestry Service doesn’t fuck around with ‘tree burners.’  Not long after, the call came into Blondie’s for help.  The boys were unable to raise the $100,000 bond and asked if we’d pass the hat.  The generous patrons of Blondie’s ponied up $16.43 obviously woefully short.  With no other options the boys were forced to leave their father confined in the Summit County Jail to await trial.

The brand new Summit County Annex housed the courtroom and was a beautiful building utilizing the log cabin look that’s so popular with us mountain folk.  It also represented Cush’s best chance to escape.  Cush schooled his sons well in the art of accelerants to effectively and quickly take down a building.  Skidder quietly doused the stairs knowing both stories would be engulfed in a matter of minutes.  Murphy set the timed electronic switches wired to small amounts of C-4 at structural points in the building to hopefully collapse the section leading from the holding cell to the courtroom.

Three…two…one…

It was impossible to see amid the smoke and flames adding volume to the panicked screams coming from everywhere!  With faces painted in camouflage Skidder and Murphy rushed inside looking for poor Dad but had a difficult time finding him in the debris.  Finally, a torn Teamster jacket led the way to the ole’ man.  Utter joy was replaced by profound grief when sadly the boys found Cush’s lifeless body.  Fittingly he’d been decapitated by a fallen cross-beam.  The force of it threw the severed head atop the courtroom bench directly into the lap of Judge Metzenbaum eyes still bulging wildly. Yes sir, like they say, “The apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree.”

Given the ugly nature of Cush’s death there’ll be a closed casket memorial this Saturday at Blondie’s from 1:00 PM through 6:00 PM featuring $2 Jägermeister shots in Cush’s honor.  Please respect the “missing stool” formation at “Curmudgeon Corner”

zuki

  • zuki

    Never mind….I had to take a shit anyways

    • Bagwan

      There is simply no need for that kind of vulgarity here. Let’s not forget that the ladies from accounts receivable are reading this
      Expect a call from HR.

      • zuki

        You’re right.  I’m so very sorry for  my course remarks.  If I in any way offended or otherwise caused a recoiling in horror, please accept my deepest and most sincere apology.  It was a throw away remark and honestly don’t understand why I felt the need to write it!  I’m so fucking mad at myself I could shit!  Just sayin….

  • Just JOE

    They ARE MOI bar acts what gets lambasted
    To answer ZUKI would be verse wasted
    Between MOI and you
    They ARE mostly true
    But into MOI posts such answers will ne’er be pasted!

  • Just JOE

    AND… SO… I get called out to post
    Normally I am just not one to boast
    But I know I am liked
    When site numbers spiked
    I see nothing funny in a Dead Cush Roast!

    • Bagwan

      I am glad to see you return. I was afraid that you may have felt that your were the target of Zuki’s barrage of stories about an “anonymous” member who is cursed with bad manners and even worse social skills. 

  • Bagwan

    What ever happened to that Rhymin Simian guy who used to post here?

  • Susan

    Zuki I must say your stories are as bizarre as your art.  

    • Bagwan

      “bizarre” is certainly one word to describe Zuki. I think the one I hear the most and it just seems to fit is “odd.”

    • zuki

      Thanks for stopping by young
      lady!  Your note….?  Oddly enough I’ll
      just consider it a compliment. 

  • fez

    We in accounts receivable are truly sorry for everyone’s loss.  We never had the chance to ride ‘in the cab with Cush’ but feel as though we knew him.  Zuki when I think of how many times you lampooned him I know how much you’ll miss him.  We can’t be at the memorial, but have everyone’s word to genuflect generally in a westerly direction at 1:00 pm your time.

  • Bagwan

    The only “missing stool” at curmudgeon corner is the one Julio took out to the dumpster this morning with Blondie’s snow shovel.