THERE’S ONLY ONE TRUTH….zuki finds solace in his own dogma

Good Morning Cumulus Nitpickers,

Margo and her ‘elk’ can whine and moan about angels and God’s plan all they want, but when it’s all said and done, there’s only ONE truth or explanation if you will regarding the origin of mankind.  Sea of slime, climbing down from trees, or created by an invisible omnipresent God, please select your choice by marking the designated space with a # 2 pencil.  Radical Muslims want to kill everyone that isn’t, Christians want to convince you they ARE God and have all the answers, while the Jews are still waiting for their Messiah.  I’ve not even mentioned the 1,200 sects, cults, and cultures that are also convinced of their impending reunion with deity, and go about the business of “sack cloth and ashes.”  Jeez Louise, we humans seem ill-equipped to walk around without the security blanket of religious dogma.  I thought about how silly it is considering it’s all based on religious imprinting, conjecture, and blind faith usually ingrained in us from birth.  All in all though I don’t see this as a basis for determining a system of mores and core values yet it has just the same.

Be that as it may, the harsh reality seems to be that each credendum takes on an aggressive campaign to convince others of the merits of their particular brand of stupid.  This was demonstrated to me during last weekend’s hectic schedule by a couple of Jehovah Witnesses hell bent on saving me and my apartment building.  First of all they’re not supposed to be soliciting in the buildings; secondly, I didn’t care for the syrupy phony greeting from what I assumed to be the senior proselytizer of this ‘dynamic duo.’  She was in her 60’s while her companion was a teenage boy I suspect to be her grandson who thankfully didn’t have much to say.  Just as she launched into the spiel I came to my senses and abruptly cut her off.  In the most menacing voice possible I scolded that I didn’t have the time nor the interest in what they had to say.  Stupefied my jaw damn near dropped to the floor.  She continued as if I hadn’t said anything, so this time I took the pamphlets she extended to me, tossed them to the floor, and informed them I was calling management slamming the door in their faces.  I called Shirley and was lucky enough to see the maintenance guy escort the two nimrods off the property!  I was very pleased.

I’m sure my treatment of the missionary duo will be viewed as harsh and overly obnoxious, but I tell you flatly, if you don’t, they’ll be back with reinforcements!  I’ve often wondered how zealots proclaim themselves chosen by God to save us from ourselves.  Dah….!!  That’s just it…it’s a self-directed quest exactly the same as an NFL fan who takes it upon him/her self to get naked, wear theater makeup, and don a barrel!  Convinced they’re “On a Mission from God” therefore God will guide and direct them on how to proceed.  So they set off after a good breakfast and coffee to save our collective souls knowing God will provide.  This would also explain the “Raider Nation.”

Outside of killing missionaries on sight, I’m not sure anything can be done about it.  Having said this, I honestly believe a law could be passed without 1st Amendment entanglements.  I haven’t worked completely through it yet but something along the lines of permission being granted prior to knocking on the door intruding upon one’s space and person.  This seems reasonable to me, but being reasonable tends to be lost on zealots so it’s going to take force.  

I’d appreciate very much if the two or three of you reading this ‘omphalos’ would sign my petition to alter the 1st Amendment section regarding freedom of religion to include restrictions against unwanted proselytizing and banish the “Raider Nation” permanently!


  • Just JOE

    Jack Mormon embarked on his mission from God
    As fate would play out, he’s assigned the “Auld Sod”
    He drank it all in
    Including their gin
    Raise your hand if this story sounds odd!

    It’s now time to update that last poetic verse
    MOI tale’s ending has taken a turn for the worse
    Seems Jack is now dead
    Someone recently said
    He had succombed to Alcohol’s Curse! 

  • Bagwan

    Pres. Obama’s father is from Kenya and there are those who think the Prez himself is a Kenyan native. Obama, after a life that criss crossed the globe somehow ended up in Chicago. Now we find out the Niles was in Kenya and is currently using his position in a Chicago firm in accounts receivable as a cover. Am I the only one who smells a rat here?
    fez, look around Niles’ office area and see if he has any pictures of himself on a grassy knoll in Dallas.

  • zuki

    fez, I welcome Nile’s to defend his honor, but REALLY??  I’m surprised given your contributions over the last couple of years.  I suspect you’ve purposely witheld the fact the ‘Diatribe’ is predisposed to hyperbole if not outright fiction.  Having said that, I stand behind what I said about obnoxious proselytizers and their deserving of death.

  • fez

    Zuki it appears you’ve stepped on a nerve here in accounts receivable. Niles is the only other guy here besides myself and went on a mission to Kenya, Africa. He said the majority of Kenyans welcomed he and his wife. He also pointed out many would offer food and drink, bringing out the best they had. He got so mad at you it’s likely you’ll hear from him personally which I encouraged. He wanted me to point out that his experience was far removed from the hostility you brought to well meaning Christians.

  • Bagwan

    This talk of missionaries reminds me of a fellow I once knew from a bar here in town that was called the Bay Wolf. This guy had a terrible problem with drinking and he died from it before reaching 40. It seems he was raised a Mormon and in what sounds like a cruel practical joke was sent to Ireland for his mission.
    Maybe God doesn’t like missionaries either.

    • Zuki

      That’s too funny! Latter Day Saint drunkards are everywhere!