Good Morning Leviathans,
As we straighten the perennial stack of papers, clean the Cheeze Whiz off the desk, and leave our collective cubicles for the weekend, I think it important to contemplate the joy of life’s rich pageant and it’s never ending surprises. Keeping on one’s toes while perched atop a bar stool takes careful planning and attention to detail. Where alcohol is involved waiting for something to happen is simply a matter of time. Granted we can’t always predict the exact activity, but it’s always entertaining!
Cush is a good man even though he wears his ‘Teamsters’ jacket like an old letter sweater. While Cush couldn’t chew gum and walk at the same time, and never owned a letter sweater, but I sense he drives a truck well enough to earn a stripe. Having said this though, his antics at Blondies have become legendary. In fact, for the two or three of you actually reading this hose-clamp his fearless display of grit against overwhelming odds has the entire bar abuzz! Sipping a Vodka Tonic (double or triple) a foul odor wafted through our establishment simultaneously with the plodding vibrations only Phat Ass Patty can generate. I looked around just as an entire speaker to the sound system got sucked up and completely engulfed between her cellulite cottage cheese rippled with fat legs and up and into her gargantuan ASS! Bent on revenge for the bar’s collective cold shoulder, the Phat one intended to throw the fear of certain death into the hearts of all Blondies patrons.
Fearing for my life I pulled up from my stool and climbed over the bar to hide hoping I’d not be discovered. I crawled on my hands and knees working my way to the kitchen door which would lead me out the back and into fresh air. I could hear screaming as chairs, tables, and stage carpeting were being sucked into the Phat one’s ass. It sounded like the perfect time to make a break for it. As I was about to turn into the kitchen, waddling before me was Phat Ass’s blubber-ous pustulated pockmarked legs! They were wrapped with miscellaneous power cords and carpet remnants hanging from her ass and had already inflicted tremendous devastation! It was too late. Laughing maniacally the drooling beast began sucking in through its ass. I was stupefied by the level of suction generated and felt my 250 lb frame begin to move. I clung helplessly to the bar mats as my legs were now lifted in the air forcing me to fingernail the kitchen door knowing my awful demise was moments away.
I had no strength left and had resigned myself to the black hole of death when out of the blue Cush leaped on the back of this deranged ogre causing it to release me while it tossed Cush around like a rag doll. Only thinking of myself I escaped through the kitchen and out the door to sweet freedom. I cringed and covered my ears as Cush’s screaming died down and then complete silence. My good friend gave up his life for my wretched existence!
Feeling ashamed of my selfish behavior some two hours later I returned to Blondies vowing to kill Phat Ass! Upon my arrival though it looked as if it was over as police and fire – rescue people were everywhere. Phat Ass had finally been overpowered by police stun guns and tear gas lying on her side shitting out various pieces of furniture and glass beer mugs. Cush was nowhere to be found. But just as I turned to grieve for my friend, I saw Cush’s arm drop into view. I got the attention of JJ who was still shaking from the scare and together we pulled the rest of Cush’s shit stained body out and called the paramedics.
They were able to revive him, but our good friend is in a catatonic state and unresponsive to outside stimuli. Currently he’s under observation at the Loretta Heights ‘Cotton Box’ and it wouldn’t kill you to give him a visit. They say he likes candy cigarettes.