LETTUCE, CARROTS, and APPLES OH MY!…..zuki goes cardio

Good Morning Juggernauts,

As we continue to circle this rock aging and quickly deteriorating, medical science tells us it becomes more important to exercise and maintain good height to weight ratios than when we were younger. Dah! Of course there are literally thousands of diet plans, routines, and methodologies published to assist us in accomplishing this important part of being a healthy curmudgeon. As a public service to men mostly, and particularly the two or three of you reading this poppycock, I’d like to share zuki’s exercise plan for cardiovascular maintenance. I suspect women could also share, but I have no proof.

If you’re like me, the exercise part of any program becomes tedious and boring. This of course makes the regimen more difficult to sustain.  I’ve tried reading or watching TV while on the stationary bike, but always succumb to motion sickness. This tends to shorten my workout thus negating any benefit gained. I’ve walked/jogged on a regular basis, but also found it to be monotonous beyond my ability to cope; again suspending my workout. It was apparent I was doomed to live insalubriously the rest of my days. I mentally prepared to fight any malady that descended on me one by one and let fate take its course, when one of our own sent me an article regarding a new study.

I’ve been reborn! I just finished a two hour workout. I feel refreshed and highly energized from this new found cardio program. If you’re a member of a gym this program may be easier facilitated than having to find the proper workout location. This said, with a little effort and research each of you can personalize a program. A new five year study of 200 men carried out by Dr. Karen Weatherby determined staring at women’s breasts is good for men’s health and makes them live longer. I understand reading my stories seem like fiction, but I can actually prove the veracity of this posting! Dr. Weatherby further states, “Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation. There is no question that gazing at breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of a stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years.” The results of her study were published in The New England Journal of Medicine and makes fascinating reading.  Of course the good doctor’s study does not account for the ‘No Mas’ syndrome or homosexuality but perhaps there’s an exchange program.

Ogling comes naturally for most men (sorry JJ), particularly curmudgeons. It didn’t take long to find an inexpensive place one could engage in ogling without being arrested. I’ve been going to the grocery store, in the produce section in particular, lingering by the melons the last few weeks.  It provides great cover for this healthy activity. There are opportunities at your favorite bar, but given the subject’s stationary position, continued ogling may result in a slap to the face or even expulsion making a bar inconsistent. Once again the grocery store offers a venue with an assortment of women wearing shorts and halter-tops or other revealing clothes that accentuate the mammary glands. Plenty of vantage points offer sustained viewing and at least a half dozen “walk bys” without arousing suspicion. For starters I highly recommend your local Food King!

The study indicates that 10 minutes of ogling is equal to a 30-minute aerobic workout. This new discovery has given ole zuki a new lease on life and actually makes working out something I look forward to. So if you’ll excuse me, I must dash off to the store for some coffee and get my cardio.


  • Just JOE

    AND… SO… ZUKI… (sniff)… had to pay taxes
    I’m sure it was between the mins and the maxes
    He paid his fair share…
    Tried to get us to care…
    Don’t he know we’re impaled on the same axis? 

  • Bagwan

    Paying more taxes, drinking Ketel One — life must be good.

  • zuki

    I sat down and did my taxes yesterday and suffered from ‘Roger the Hairdresser’ syndrome mumbling profanities for the next three hours.  Finished off a half-bottle of ketel One and glass of Pinot Noir, turned on my music, and proceeded to get weepy-eyed.  I payed substantially more than last year and would ask you all to pray with me that the IRS is swallowed up by mother earth!  Only then will I trust in God!

  • festeringboil

    Zuki your continual references to being healthy is in such contrast to your actual lifestyle it’s become funny. Me on the other hand, I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge

    • zuki

      It’s a very pithy retort festus but be honest, is it yours? I’ve quit trying to expose you as a plagiaristic dough-head as you no longer try to disguise it! I find it interesting that you’ve judged my lifestyle to be counter to healthy living. How is it you know this? Do I know you? Or was it a lucky guess?

      • Bagwan

        He might have just watched some of the videos you posted.

  • fez

    That’s a very good point about advanced ogling and porn. We in accounts receivable have discussed this point and we’re all over the map here. Some say porn doesn’t count because sneaking a peek with fear of being caught lends itself to the experience gaining the desired cardio benefit. The other school of thought says straight out that if ogling is beneficial think what jerking off to porn will do! Living to 110 is guaranteed!

    • Bagwan

      fez, the reason I asked the question is because I know that even though he is out of shape, Zuki has tried to keep his hand in online porn.

  • Just JOE

    This time Our Host ZUKI’s gone nuts
    Can’t cardio ’cause he’s such a clutz
    Now to get fit
    He eyes tit after tit
    Who’ll count the l-b’s this Putz cuts?!

  • Bagwan

    I am certainly willing to believe that this would work. My question for our own little Dr. Demento would be the following: after getting back into reasonable cardio shape should one advance to downloading porn?