JJ’s LIFETIME OF DANCE PAYS PRICE….zuki says he’s no balanchine

Good Morning Sissies,

There’s been allot of talk of late regarding twinkle-toes JJ and his skill as a hoofer.  The comments were divided equally in their praise or condemnation in my opinion; nevertheless I intend to resolve this controversy once and for all. 

In a brilliant series of misdirection and lies I was able to contact JJ’s sister without our good friend’s knowledge.  According to Sis, JJ as a brother was a tyrannical brute imposing his will on his younger sister delighting in her pain.  I take this report with a grain of salt because being the eldest of six siblings I’ve been falsely accused of similar would-be atrocities.  JJ’s sister was accommodating to say the least and seemed to revel in this opportunity to describe her elder brother’s ‘odd’ behavior.  Typically Sis is very quiet and reserved rarely drawing attention to herself so her enthusiasm was a bit puzzling.

My first question was straight to the point.  “Did JJ always love to dance, or did he begin hoofing later in life?”  “Oh dear Lord…JJ started dancing for his aunts and uncles with loads of neighborhood kids when he was three years old.”  “Really?” I replied still not convinced.  “I thought you’d be skeptical so I brought a few old photographs for you.” Reaching in her purse she retrieved an old Lippmann plate depicting a 7 year old JJ in ballet shoes and tights posed with arms raised in a simulated pirouette.  I’m sure JJ had no idea this photo still had legs.  Sis pulled the remaining photos out and laid them in chronological order.  I must admit I was not prepared for what I saw. 

At twelve JJ left the Boy Scouts much to the chagrin of his father and organized an after school dance club calling themselves “The Highland High Steppers.” Evidently JJ led the club in after-school performances for anyone willing to watch.  Sis recalled Sister Hamilton JJ’s homeroom teacher as being very supportive, saying “JJ was as graceful as any boy I’d seen in 24 years of teaching.” This said, there was a dark side to his all consuming desire to dance in that he was bullied and mocked mercilessly.  

At sixteen the next photo showed JJ on the high school stage dressed in black tights and a baggy black sweatshirt.  According to Sis, JJ opted out (No Mas) of the Junior Prom to instead perform his personal interpretation of “West Side Story” playing both the ‘Jet’s’ and ‘Shark’s leads.  When he’d dance the Shark numbers he donned a ‘Zoot Suit’ for authenticity.  Unfortunately his singing skills were not on a par with his dancing prowess.  Halfway through “Maria” he was heckled and literally run off the stage and then beaten senseless.

The most telling photo and no doubt the saddest captured our own JJ dressed in drag flanked on either side by two other men in drag.  They were a part of a USO show in Viet Nam performing Gilbert & Sullivan’s “The Mikado” featuring the number “Three little maids from school.”  According to Sis, the performance was so spectacular Bob Hope asked them to return and take another bow!

God…I think I’m going to be sick!

I could go on but I think the two or three of you left reading this Glyndebourne can see where this is going.  It’s crystal clear to this observer that JJ was born to dance!  His flair for arrangement, his eye for color, and his stunning sense of timing says it all….don’t you think?


  • zuki

    Does Bow ree toe John and his sister Mary have any other job skills outside of their former business?  We here at the ‘Diatribe’ have two openings in our Research Department.  Full benefit package, and should we top the century mark in average daily views, there’s a nice fat bonus check!  So if you see either of them please pass this along. 

    • Bagwan

      Burrito John and Burrito Mary have lots of other skills and they could help you realize your dream of getting out a Latin American version of the Diatribe. I should warn you though that there is a third sibling who is part of the package — Burrito Joe (not to be confused with Just Joe). You may not have met BJ since he is often a guest of the State in Canon City. BJ is between stints now and brings a skill set that could well fit in at the Diatribe — just make sure you keep your valuables under lock and key.

      • zuki

        THAT’S BRILLIANT!!  I love the idea of a Latin addition, however we here at the ‘Diatribe’ have a strict policy of NOT hiring convicted felons.  If BJ is willing to wear a bell so we know where he is, I would consider the package deal with all Buritto siblings


    Thanks, Neighbor, for the updates!
    Is that really true about Bow-ree-toe De-lite?!… BIG BUMMER, fer sure, Dude!

    • Bagwan

      Not sure if it was a gambling debt (I thought that added color) but it was some kind of debt. Burrito John said his father didn’t share much info, just that he lost the business and they lost their jobs but apparently the business is still open.

  • Bagwan

    Littlewood bar update for Federal Blvd south of Belleview.
    The barbecue place that took over the old Burger King has closed. I don’t know why the BBQ place closed but I do know that the Burger King closed because they couldn’t get rid of Robert the Retard. He used to work there and they fired him (numerous times) but he kept showing up for his shift. They finally figured out the only way to get rid of him was to close the place and build a new one about a mile east of there which is outside of his roaming area. I can’t help but wonder if the demise of the BBQ place isn’t somehow tied to the reappearance of the ghost of RtR.

    Moving south on Federal you come to the site of the former Deweys now call the Cheeky Monkey. At what should have been the peak of the happy hour yesterday there was exactly one car in the parking lot — a soon to be repossessed Range Rover, belonging to the owner.

    Finally moving one more block south one comes to The Toad Tavern which was packed yesterday with many former Deweyites. Spotted amongst the glittering crowd were Touched (without Madcow), the lady who peed in Zuki’s late roommate’s bed, Arnell the bartender and Burrito John.

    As a footnote I would add the Burrito John and his siblings found themselves out of work this weekend. It seems their father had used the Burrito business as collateral on a gambling debt which came due this past Saturday. 


    WOW!… so very supportive… not to mention touching!

    Speaking of touching… care to dance, Fez?

    Partner MOI, partner MOI very much.

    • fez

      We at accounts receivable have an important question; who in your mind will lead?

      • Just PLAIN WRONG

        We’ll take turns!

        Mind if I cut in MOI, mind if I cut in MOI very much.

  • fez

    OOOOweee!  We’ve not witnessed such bitter in-fighting since Cain & Able.  JJ represents the dancer contained within all of us and should be praised for his commitment.  Although Zuki didn’t exactly portray JJ as a manly sort, he did document his lifetime love affair with dance.  Thanks JJ from all of us in accounts receivable


    What I meant by “You are!” was MOI awkwardly abrupt awareness of life’s lingering meaninglessness as evidenced by waning Curmudgeon Creativity… especially evident in ZUKI’s “Art” and MOI “Dancing”… (sniff… snuffle)… now… are any of the steps in the grieving process DANCE steps?!?!?!

    As regards the stumpification of MOI once-glamorous gams… I have come to the conclusion that it was cummulatively caused by 1) ‘Nam ground-pounding;  2) Bandwagon off-jumping;  3) Conclusions to-jumping; 4) Commitment half-stepping; 5) Pub between-crawling; 6)  Conversation short-cutting; and 7) In-Huff out-stomping!

    Console MOI, console MOI very much.

  • zuki

    I had the occasion to visit with JJ at his favorite watering hole this weekend and he was noticeably down.  I asked him what was bothering him, to which he snapped “You are!”  This startled me as JJ is normally operating on an even keel creating ‘to do’ lists.  Outside of listing what he intended to drink this St. Patrick’s Day, he was pouting about today’s posting!   Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the posting nothing but praise for JJ’s skills?  I’m just not sure why he’s taken this attitude.

    • Bagwan

      Zuki, I don’t think you should take his peevish attitude personally, I think he is angry at much more than  your post. Just contrast the two pictures, the one I posted of him from the 1965 Regis HS Annual and the one you posted from “Hermaphrodite Night at Blondie’s.”
      Notice the confident smile in my picture — he was famous for “selling the number” back in the day. In your picture you can see the aforementioned altered khaki’s but more importantly notice the frown, the eyes cast downward staring at the floor and not at his audience.
      Age is taking its toll on JJ’s dancing skills and it is killing him inside.

  • Bagwan

    All the great ones like Cyd Charisse, Mitzie Gaynor, Betty Grable had fabulous legs. Long, lean and shapely — designed to visually interpret the music. I am here to tell you right now that JJ was no exception to that rule, at least that is until he returned from Viet Nam.
    At the time of that “West Side Story” performance his inseam measured a full 35 inches. When he returned from Viet Nam all of his khaki’s had to be shortened to his current inseam measurement of 21 and 3/4th inches. No one (including JJ) knows exactly how this compaction occurred. Needless to say that ended all hope of a professional career and has thus relegated him to the freak shows like amateur night at Blondie’s.