Good Morning Suffering Masses,

I wanted you good people to be the first to know. I hit the Powerball numbers last night! While I had to split it 32 ways $10.5 million should cover my remaining days on this rock.  Life as I know it no longer makes sense. Oh I’ll be around from time to time, as I have substantial history here. But let’s face it; Kona is damn pleasant this time of year, or any time of year for that matter.  

I’ve already sent my children ahead to locate the perfect spot for old Dad. While I have the final say of course, my eldest son is in charge. I got the pic yesterday afternoon and the view posted is first on their list. In the meantime though, I’ve reserved “Huggo’s on the Beach” for my extended family and moronic associates. I’m flying the Hooter’s girls in from Honolulu to assist the local wait staff as well as a few “professionals.”  I’ve rented it out for a week; March 17th through the 24th.   You should be receiving your tickets/hotel reservations within the week, so don’t kill or hide from the delivery guy.   

Don’t hold back. Really, I won’t be happy until everyone pukes! I’ve employed full Para-medic services, and have secured a chopper to stand-by.  I intend for this party to be epic! There’ll be ‘roast beast’, Shrimp (double dipping is allowed), all manner of cheese with the appropriate wines. A WEEK LONG OPEN BAR! Did I mention we’d have an open bar? In return, I must insist on mandatory attendance the first day to witness a ceremonial jigger melting that is essentially our official ‘opening.’ I’m sorry but I won’t budge on this one!

Accoutrements suitable for the occasion are of course optional. “Tell them what they’ve won Johnny!” As an added bonus, those of you that manage to outlast ole Marzuki will have the option of staying an additional week and be an honored guest at my Kona housewarming party! This will be followed by brunch at the Four Seasons Resort, Hualalai where you and your guest will stay the remaining week.  

There’s one more requirement I must impose on you good people. This will be on the final evening and will have an air of solemnity to it.  You may have already guessed it; shit, you have haven’t you? This party will more than likely be the last time I see many of you, and I wanted to leave a lasting impression; something you could pass along to the grandkids. I will ask everyone to arrive at Huggo’s in formal attire, raise a flute of Dom, and hear the tale of “The Clean Spot” as told by yours truly. For some of you, this may be a deal-breaker and I hope under the circumstances, you’ll choose wisely. Because the entire soiree will last ten days, then it’s back to the mainland for the lot of you while zuki breaks out the hammock.

For future reference, there’s no need to make advanced arrangements, you’re all welcome to drop by anytime. However, I strongly suggest you bring raw meat to distract the dogs.



    ZUKI, you should have had the folks over in Accounts Receivable take charge… at least they could tell the difference between a “4” and an “9”!!!

    Win MOI, win MOI very much.

  • Bagwan

    Wait a minute, I think I have made a mistake here. Wasn’t the Production Manager the guy who helped you with your video’s and other shenanigans. I am not so sure this guy can be replaced. I know that JJ’s employees were taking up a collection for a hitman so maybe his moving over to your shop could save both money and bloodshed.
    In any case I hope my premature disclosure of the Rhode Island claim has led to an unsavory mess in the lunch room. 

  • zuki

    Holy shit fire mother of pearl!! The emotional roller coaster has been a huge distraction company wide. thirty two of us went from a multimillionaire back to our miserable lives all in a matter of hours. Now we’re in some kind of hellish limbo! I decided to call Powerball headquarters for clarification. By-the-way did you know HQ is located in Newark, NJ? I spoke with Guido Sarducci spokesperson for Powerball and he indicated there was serious evidence of collusion between Vinny ‘The Mooch’ Alvino who oversees the actual drawing and the Rhode Island claim (nothing to do with being an island). Hummmmm collusion in New Jersey? What are the odds? Sarducci further explained no monies will be distributed to any claim until further notice. He had no further comment. You’ll be happy (well some of you anyway) to know all those from my company who gave notice will be reinstated without loss of seniority. This came too late for our Production Manager as word has it he ate a bullet during the lunch break. jeez!

    • Bagwan

      Too bad about the Production Manager but from what you have told me, he is easily replaced.
      I will stay up all night waiting to see if they don’t disallow the Rhode Island claim.
      Did I ever tell you about the summer I spent at the Breakers?

  • Bagwan

    As I said in my first post “please hold all tickets.” There is a strong suspicion of fraud here. It turns out that Rhode Island isn’t even an island. Just like in the Miss America pageant when the porn films of the winner show up they then turn to the first runner-up. It turns out that first runner up ticket was purchased at a 7-11 in Littlewood along with a quart of Colt 45.
    I sure hope our own Miss Congeniality didn’t throw away his ticket.

  • zuki

    Upon receiving Bagwan’s disturbing news I immediately checked it out to discover it was true!  Words can’t describe my utter disappointment.  I’m eating 50% of my damage deposit for God’s sake.  I confronted the moron in ‘Production’ that announced to all our supposed good fortune and after double checking he fell to his knees asking everyone’s forgiveness.  This was serious as several long time employees gave notice and were packing their personal things to enjoy a much deserved retirement!  I haven’t seen a man cry like this since Bagwan’s wine glass accidently spilled with nary a drop left for a refill.  Shame really.


    Thanks, OPRAH WITFREE, it’s been fun knowing you!

    But I,m going to have to miss your BIG LUAU…

    … you see…  I ALWAYS celebrate several Saints’ Days in succession: 
    starting on the 17th of March with St. Patrick
    18 St. Salvator of Horta19 Solemnity of St. Joseph… Yeah, Baby! 
    20 Blessed John of Parma
    22 St. Nicholas Owen23 Blessed Claudio Granzotto24 St. Catherine of Genoaand culminating on the 25 witth Solemnity of the Annunciation of the Lord!

    Perhaps there’s been an oversight, but the Goody Bag under MOI seat did not contain the $20 you owe MOI… please rectify!

    Aloha MOI, aloha MOI very much.

  • Bagwan

    Please hold all tickets:
    BREAKING NEWS: There was one winning Powerball ticket for $336,400,000 sold in the state of Rhode Island. There is no word on the identity of the winner at this time. Stay tuned for more information.

    I am pretty sure that as we speak, Zuki is back in the salt mines trying to figure out where in the Rhode Island is.