CAN YOU FLY ABOVE?…..zuki loves children…really he does

Good Morning Victims of Wanderlust,

The time has come for all of us to re-examine our collective position on children aboard a plane.  Look, I’ve only traveled for business once in the last five years, but always surprised when well-intentioned parents drag their whinny snot-nosed spoiled kids on a plane full of adults looking to relax.  This is not a good mix!  Against the advice of the ‘Rules Committee’ I have taken the initiative to remedy this blatant act of selfishness.  I have drafted a list of demands that will be sent to the FAA, all major airline companies, as well as everyone’s legislative representative.  If that doesn’t work we’ll have no trouble getting the 20,000 signatures to put it on the ballet.  While I don’t expect this will help me this particular travel year, but I’m confident we’ll impact those self-centered parents in the years that follow. 


  1. All children under 12 years of age are forbidden to board any commercial flight unless under emergency conditions.
  2. Those parents who’ve not been able to secure baby-sitting or care and insist their children share in their travel experience will be assigned to the “Children’s Travel Bus¹ ” for delivery.
  3. While in the care of our screened and highly trained drivers all children are subject to their will.
  4. A Priest will be on every trip to ‘comfort’ those children upset by the separation from parents.
  5. Every effort will be made to appease screaming children, but if it’s determined by the CTB staff the child is ‘inconsolable’ the staff member has permission to chloroform and subdue unruly child.
  6. Those children still in diapers will be changed at least once per day
  7.  Children taking prescribed medicines will be put under an induced coma until 2 hours prior to arrival.
  8. “Happy Meals” and Diet Coke will be available ‘on demand’ with no additional charge.
  9. Infants still breast feeding must be accompanied by a certified ‘Wet Nurse;’ clothing optional.
  10.  If no parent or approved guardian is there to meet CTB to retrieve child, the child will be considered ‘abandoned’ and sold for medical experiments.

¹”Children’s Travel Bus” is funded by the Airline industry and extra baggage charges will be allowed.

The above is a small price to pay for a quiet, cozy, and enjoyable flight free of screaming children.  I know it sounds a bit harsh, but honestly wouldn’t you rather be chloroformed and out cold for your next flight to Chicago?  You’ll thank me after your first childless flight!  It’s safe to assume the above will sail through both houses no doubt unopposed.  Just sayin…




    Scream MOI, scream MOI very much.

  • Bagwan

    I would guess she would be just a little grease spot on the window which the cleaning crew removed with a little OXY Clean. Billy Mays was Zuki’s favorite pitchman and I think they were also involved in a cocaine pyramid scheme — Zuki sent out 32 grams and he is still waiting.
    Does anyone have Billy’s email address?

  • zuki

    The Bagster really likes to spin a yarn doesn’t he?  I’m the one in the middle seat!!

    • Bagwan

      Hey Mr. Defensive, I never said that guy in the picture was you but if you were sitting in the middle seat next to him there couldn’t have been much left of the passenger in the window seat at the end of that flight.

      • zuki

        A small child occupied the window seat and nearly smothered.  Yet one more reason to not allow kids on an airplane.

  • Bagwan

    Having flown most weeks in my 30+ year career, I can tell you there are some things more irritating than a child sitting next to you.
    Please click on the image below to see an unidentified member of the “rules committee” in transit.