NURSE CUSH SAVES THE DAY….zuki discovers beer

Good Morning Victims of Self-Esteem,

This weekend provided some much needed rest to at last defeat the first malady of the 2012 rotation.  This one has been pretty aggressive.  Not only the congestion normally associated with a cold, but this one included the dreaded dry coughing fit at 2:00 AM.  I took ‘Zicam’ to supposedly lessen the cold’s severity, but it’s difficult to say whether or not it worked.  It’s taken most of a week, and the symptoms have diminished somewhat, but that’s about as long as I remember a cold lasting anyways!  I’m concerned I may have fallen victim to two things; letting hope overcome reason, and a slick marketing campaign.  But to be honest I didn’t follow the directions and was inconsistent at best.

I was walking to Blondies on Friday for Dawn’s (our tough as nails bartender) birthday/bon voyage party and noticed the wind to be howling through the breezeway my pathway to the bar.  It had to be near 80 mph!  Half-way I noticed a large garbage bag (empty) zigging and zagging its way toward me.  Every time I moved it would shift directions and again fling itself at me until unavoidably it hit me in the face and immediately wrapped around my head.  It smelled of burnt rubber but more importantly I was blind.  For reasons unknown to me I continued to walk while trying to extract myself and ran directly into a metal sculpture.  I don’t know the artist but ironically it was an abstract of a man hoisting what appears to be a beer.  I had knocked myself unconscious.

When I came to the first thing I saw was Cush holding a sandwich to my face telling me to eat it.  Words don’t begin to describe the horror of such a visual assault.  Besides all he could offer was a potato and baloney with Mayo; it was actually pretty good.  Cush helped me to my feet but I still felt a bit unsettled and found one of several benches and sat down.  Nurse Cush in his zeal to heal disappeared into Blondies and returned with a plastic cup of beer.  You must understand, drinking beer is Cush’s cure for everything!  Sipping my medicinal beer I was puzzled by his insistence that beer has mystical powers.  “What other maladies do you think beer cures?” I queried.  Cush puffing up his chest replied, “Oh shit there’s a ton of things beer can treat!”  He then began to list them.  “It cures phlebitis, jock itch, sausage fingers, constipation, dandruff, cock-eyed-ness, worts, pancake breath, dry mouth, and makes a damn fine colonic.”  I was stupefied!

I rubbed the rather large goose egg that had appeared after my collision and got to my feet.  Nurse Cush insisted that he pour the remainder of my beer directly over my wound guaranteeing me it would greatly reduce the swelling and ease the pain. Unfortunately, he also managed to spill beer down the front of my shirt.  I made a silent promise to kill him.

Still a bit unsteady I began to stagger toward Blondies and as luck would have it the Littlewood Police was parked in front.  Holding the few drops of beer left in the cup and smelling like a brewery I was arrested for public intoxication and taken straight to ‘De-tox’ for observation.  Jeez.

If the two or three of you reading this remora happen to see Cush please tell him his days among the living are numbered!!

zuki

  • zuki

    Well I’m back.  15 of the last 48 hours were spent in an airport or airplane sucking down $8.00 drinks and eating gelatinous goo with plastic utensils at $12.00 a plate!  I really miss the road….  That said, I can honestly say “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!”

    • Bagwan

      Nice picture of you out in front of Augusta National. Why didn’t you post the next one where the security guard came out and asked you to move along.

      • zuki

        Augusta National is a barbed wire compound with armed guards at every entry point!  Thankfully the guard (a very large black man) said we had 3 minutes to take the photo before he’d take action to remove Vinny and me.  Very nice folks.

  • Bagwan

    Thursday morning and Zuki should be back. I texted him re some some joints to go to in Augusta but he replied with a disgusted “flight delayed.” Obviously we hope he made it to Augusta, did a nice presentation and got out of town with only minor encounters with the law.
    We all wait with bated breath with the exception of Always Get it Wrong whose breath smells more like bait.

  • zuki

    Well the clock has started and already things have gone awry as I’m here at the office at 5:30 AM to retrieve my cell phone.  Jeez.  The Bagged One in his tongue n cheek comment actually hit the nail on the head!  I do feel like it’s my first day at school and damn glad to be out of the office!  Keep the faith my children ‘Daddy’ will be home soon.

  • Bagwan

    As Zuki heads out this Tuesday for his first trip in many years I am reminded of how I felt when my son went off to his first day of school — I was relieved to see the little bastard go.

  • fez

    Holy shit Zuki that’s quite an experience.  Ironically the very same thing happened me last week only without running into a metal sculpture.

  • Just PLAIN WRONG

    If you think THAT’s an ufortunate turn of events set in motion by a seemingly helpful person… pull up a chair and listen to MOI tale of woe:

    I was tooling along in MOI 1947 Huff the other day, when I spy red-and-blue flashing lights in mirror.  I pull over and politely ask the Littlewood Officer, “What seem to be the problem, Officer?”
    “I clocked you doing 78 in a 55, Sir.”
    “No, Officer,” I rebutted, “I was only going 59.”
    “Now, Honey, you were really going over 80,” pipes up MOI “Niece.”
    While I turn to give Amber-Krystal a frosty stare, the Officer adds:  “I’m also going to cite you for a broken tail light.”
    “Broken tail light, Officer?… I truly didn’t know I had one out.”
    “Now, Sweety, you know you’ve been promising to get that fixed for weeks now,” Amber-Krystal insisted.
    I turn to issue another frosty stare (this time adding a touch of frosty GLARE), “In addition, Sir, I am going to ticket you for not wearing your seat belt.”
    “Oh, I’m so sorry, I took it off just as you were walking up to the car… I had to get at my wallet, you know.”
    “Now, Sugar, you know you never, ever, wear your seat belt,” corrected Amber-Krystal.
    Stares and glares were obviously not enough to deter this “helpful” lass from ruiing MOI day… Soooooo…. I screamed at her:  “SHUT YER F-ING PIE-HOLE, YOU STUPID BITCH!!!”
    Hearing MOI outburst, the Officer leans in, a look of concern in his eyes, “Ma’am, does he talk to you like this ALL the time?”
    “No, not all the time, Officer… only when he’s drunk!”

    Book MOI, book MOI very much.
     

  • Bagwan

    In a related story, Heidi Klum and Seal announced today that they are divorcing. I haven’t been this upset since Helen and Isaac Hayes split up.