Good Morning Stuart Smalley Wherever You Are,
I want to admonish those that think Dr. Phil is a gifted psychologist with the insight of God to go ahead and “give yourself a swirly.” I’ve taken issue with the touchy-feely morons that conduct counseling sessions before, but this time I had dinner with one! I told myself to take it easy and relax so I could enjoy the evening with an attractive intelligent woman, but seconds after opening her mouth I knew it was not possible. Marla is an elegant tall fluid Mediterranean woman I met at a real estate seminar. She was sitting in the seat to my left and we hit it off immediately. She laughed easily at my jokes and smartass remarks and we ended up spending our one hour lunch breaks together each of the three days. It was the last day of the seminar I found out she is a licensed counselor and works in one of those centers that collects from everyone mandated by the courts to attend. Why does this always happen to me? I wanted desperately to see if our meeting had the potential to go the distance but my attitude toward her had become skewed. AGAIN!!
We went to McCormick’s downtown where I spent my rent money on a good Pinot Noir and Prime Rib. Marla is a vegetarian. This discovery put us both on edge wary that “never the twain shall meet.” I carved a goodly portion of the medium rare offering and ate in silence as she grazed on some leafy foliage both of us trying to come up with small talk. This was maddening as minutes before we were laughing, talking politics, and playing footsie! Finally she broke the awkward silence and indicated she was working on an interesting case and would I like hearing about it. Obviously there wasn’t much choice under the circumstances, as anything was better than small talk so I enthusiastically agreed.
Getting right to the crux, her story was based on a young woman facing serious issues with the law as she’d been pulled over for DUI a third time! According to Marla this single mother had been mentally and physically abused most of her life and was a classic case of becoming exactly the person she’d been abused by. Marla began her self-inspired diagnosis by telling this young woman she was “good enough, smart enough, and doggone it people liked her” I swear to God she didn’t use those exact words, but damn close! Continuing her self aggrandizing she further explained how she has personally given the woman a reason to live and has increased her self worth ten fold! I was fighting back the urge to gag! I wasn’t sure how much more of her “Daily Affirmation” I could swallow so I began making fun of her. I now addressed her as Ms. Smalley (reference Al Franken’s character on Sat. night Live) asking to see her credentials because the bull shit she was dispensing couldn’t possibly be from recognized studies! She looked at me as if I’d just shit on her plate! “You horses ass….I hope all your arteries clog” she coolly announced and collected her things never looking back. She caught a cab leaving me with my meat. I was grateful she’d left most of the wine and with the exception of a few gawkers was able to finish my Prime Rib in peace.
Where do these people come from? My God their opinion of themselves is a mirror image of Dr. Phil’s! No one needs that from a dinner date! I suspect the natural order of things dictates one must find a mate early in life as opposed to later. Geezers are fixed in their perceptions, biases, dogma, and self worth making it nigh onto impossible to merge with another geezer. I’m going to e-harmony to take the twenty-nine compatibility questions to actually see if I can find a woman that shares my sense of things and potentially has a bit of cash. If the two or three of you reading this raillery are curious about these compatibility questions I’ll let you know how it goes.