BLONDIES; A BAR, SANCTURARY, & COTTON BOX….confessions of a drunkard

Good Morning Transient Ones,

Sitting at the bar and interpreting what’s happening around you is far more complex than the casual observer might think. The subtleties and subcultures that exist are fragile, and take a certain amount of decorum and skill to interface with all of them. While unique, it’s hard for me to believe similar characters and situations could not be found in any bar, so only the violence and vulgarity seem to be demographic in nature and should be anticipated. The slashing on New Year’s Eve is a prime example. Characters from all walks of life and personal hygiene assemble in one small building coded for 80 people all with one common objective; to get drunk!

I’ve been around this rock 60 plus times and most of you know as well as I do, alcohol affects each of us differently, and one must be acutely aware of how to approach each person or group under crapulous conditions. I believe I’ve been able to do this reasonably well, but surprisingly enough, I’m not universally loved as is our dear friend JJOOAAZZ.  

My intention with today’s posting is to outline a number of associations within the bar subculture to give those of you not able or more than likely unwilling to be part of our little family at Blondies. “Where everybody knows your name” is certainly a moniker the bar deserves. There are a few regulars I can’t identify by name but given my daily visits I recognize them as fellow drunks. First timers are usually set upon by one of several people, and you should be aware of what you’re about to encounter.

Typically if you find yourself walking in the door between Noon and 3pm you’re most likely to be accosted by our resident American Indian ‘Harlen’ or (“Running Backwards” his Indian name).  He looks as though he lives under the viaduct living on Taco Bell hot sauce, but is affable enough. He wants so desperately to become part of the curmudgeon association that he’ll occasionally lie to others about his relationship with JJOOAAZZ to make him appear important.

The curmudgeons typically sit at the west end of the bar.  This is not by accident as everyone must walk by us to enter the urine soaked bathrooms providing an opportunity to either harass or ogle.  In the process of getting drunk, curmudgeon corner is trading insults or otherwise humiliating their fellow curmudgeons in a loving way of course. Consequently others in earshot find this entertaining and often inject themselves into the fray.  Subsequently, this butting in nearly always elicits an old fashioned snubbing.  These people will forever remain on the outside looking in.  Don’t think badly of JJOOZZAA as most of these unfortunate few were beaten up daily in school and suspect genetics play a significant role in their being odd.

Charles might be worse in that he’s no doubt a serial killer!  Thankfully he voluntarily sits at the opposite corner of the bar and mumbles to himself.  Interestingly he’s well dressed, but even when crowded there seems to be seats on each side of him. He conducts business out of Blondies by selling exotic meats which explains his particular obsession with JJOOAAZZ.  You’ll see him go to and from the adjacent library to do God knows what and refuses to buy a simple cell phone! Lastly (and I could go on) he’s a “Close Talker” and screams when he speaks to you.  

Auggie has gold teeth.  Dawn (our bartender) is not afraid to bust one’s balls.  Sonny has an obese girlfriend who thinks she’s hot.  70 year old Jack our resident ‘day trader’ loves to look at Bev’s (married) tits and has yet to make eye contact.  Monika is a tall beautiful bar tender from Poland married to one of the new owners.

There are more, but wanted to give you a bit of flavor for lack of a better word.  Have a great weekend!

Zuki

  • Just G&P JJOOAA

    I’m really glad you 2 F’idiots are having so much fun with the 2 things I love THE MOSTEST:  MOI Moniker and MOI Beloved Blondie’s!
    Beer MOI, beer MOI very much.

  • Bagwan

    It seems to me that in wanting to loved as much as JJOOFF that you are setting the bar awfully high. Why not start off with something easier like wanting to be as much fun as Jim the TV Screamer, or as good looking as Robert the Retard or even as lovable as DV ANT.

    • zuki

      That’s a good point however the outpouring of love and affection for JJAARRKK at Blondies defies all bar logic.  Those beloved characters from our days at Dewey’s all have equals at Blondies plus the blind and crippled.  The primary difference now is they’re NOT beloved!  I miss ‘Frank the Shank’