Good Morning Patrons of “Tidy Bowl”
Aftermath, consequences, wallop, impact, upshot, offspring, wake, fallout, all describe the ultimate reaction to an event or action taken. “For every action there is a reaction.” I’m not sure who said it but it’s become an axiom of sorts. I open today’s posting with the above primarily to set the tone for what I’m about to unfold. It saddens me that I should bear the mantle of educible iterations of an obvious disturbed person. A smarter man than me once said, “No man was ever so much deceived by another as by himself.” Sadly I must report than one of our own has succumbed to this level of deception.
Before I begin in earnest I’d like to point out the many years of service our good friend has proffered on behalf of the ‘Diatribe.’ Their stature is legendary but hardly epic. He/she has personally assisted in countless acts of futility never seeking compensation or even thanks. This person is first to rush toward danger, first to throw water on a grease fire, and first to leave the building as it burns to the ground. You can’t buy that kind of loyalty, nor should you, but just the same this person is in a class unto themselves!
I know what you’re thinking. “Zuki, why would you heap such praise on this person only to turn around and denigrate them?” I’m hip. Please don’t think I enjoy exposing my good friends to ridicule, because I don’t. But when they fuck up, as they often do, I’m bound by our by-laws to reveal it without prejudice. For the two or three of you reading this palingenesis you can be certain justice will be administered by lethal injection. Not literally JJ rather metaphorically. This infusion of righteous indignation will hopefully bring our associate to an about face. We can no longer tolerate continued skidding leaving the mess for someone else to “Borax” away. While our troubled friend has been pampered and spoiled its imperative this shunning is taken seriously.
I got a call from Dr. Slimsy who heads Orthopedic Surgery at Swedish Hospital. He explained that our good friend had spine surgery less than 24 hours ago. At long last they have a spine! Unfortunately they used their newly found posture to wander away. I thanked the good doctor and had a gut feeling as to where our ‘rules committee’ member was hiding out.
I got in the car and headed north. 15 minutes later I pulled in front of the bar. Wrist band still in place, goose-stepping to the Elvis tune “Burning Love” our associate lit from patron to patron displaying the freshly stapled scar. The manager saw me and immediately rushed toward me begging me to get them out as customers were leaving in droves. I know for a fact our associate can be dangerous when confronted, not to mention defecating on the floor, so I called for reinforcements.
Having driven out the last of the stunned patrons, the attendants from our local ‘Cotton Box’ finally arrived with a dart gun and straight jacket.
I followed the ambulance back to the ‘Box’ and glad to announce they’re resting comfortably under the fog of Thorazine. Officially under ‘observation’ for the next ten days, I’ll update you when I know their disposition.