Good Morning Revelers,
As you may or may not know I’m a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to New Year’s Eve celebrations. I’ve been exchanging tongues with a woman each year at the stroke of midnight since I was sixteen, and have only missed two years since that time. It’s important to me that this part of my miserable life continues. There’s very little left to me in the way of continuity these days and looked highly doubtful I’d have a willing or non-paid partner to close out 2011 with, so I turned to the personals on Craig’s list.
I met Judy last Friday for cocktails. She’s in her mid fifties, still attractive, and obviously has her shit together. What I mean by that is she owns her home, has a reasonably new vehicle, property, and says she’s ready to retire when she wants to. I can’t answer yes to any of those things just to make it easy to draw comparisons. We hit it off well and our conversation was light and easy with no unforced errors or spilling salad dressing on my shirt. I was getting positive signals. Nothing major, but she touched my arm and thigh numerous times so after a couple of glasses of wine I girded up my loins and told her about my tradition then listened and watched carefully her reaction. She chuckled and said it sounded like a wonderful tradition and asked who I’d be with to keep it alive. This spoke clearly to me that she’d be interested, so I asked her if she’d volunteer after promising not to slobber all over her. She agreed.
Because my car’s driver side door handle broke off and now must lean in from the passenger side to open it, has 150K miles and looks like shit, I suggested we meet at LoDo’s and take part of their dinner and drink specials listening to ‘Opie Gone Bad’ a great blues cover band. So we met at 9:00pm, had a nice dinner, and drank freely counting down the minutes before ‘the’ kiss. As midnight approached and I’m certain right on schedule, the band played a slow dry humping song. The balloons and confetti fell; the horns signaled our time had arrived, so I leaned in meeting her soft and yielding mouth with mine in what was truly a most excellent kiss! Soon after the discussion turned to a possible sleep over which of course had to be at her house given my viaduct and cardboard box situation. It was agreed we’d go to her place to ‘finish’ our celebration but asked me to drive given her crapulousness. I was prepared for this possibility and had cleaned the old Camry so it was decent enough for a short ride in the dark. As I approached the passenger side door to open it, Judy of course thought this gesture was for her benefit and leaned in causing us to butt heads! Judy was momentarily stunned as she rubbed her head in pain and embarrassment asking, “What the fuck are you doing?” I explained about the broken door handle and she immediately began to laugh gathering her coat and purse. I asked what was wrong to which she replied, “Thanks for the nice time, and you’re an excellent kisser, but I don’t think this is going to work!” And without another word walked to her BMW and drove away.
I stood there stupefied! My dysfunctional transportation aside, I could not believe what had just transpired! Then it occurred to me the evening was indeed well spent after all and smiled. The tradition continues!