Good Morning Neophytes,
Well the suffering continues. I was kicked in the groin hard last Wednesday. My Power Ball ticket didn’t contain a single winning digit! I know I know I know the odds are in the neighborhood of 194 million to one and should be grateful just to be alive, but it always lets a bit of air out. I have a much better chance of being a quadriplegic than I do hitting six numbers, and I’m reasonably sure that’s my fate, but just the thought of winning is worth every penny.
I’m a simple man with very simple needs leaving (to quote tree huggers everywhere) a small footprint. Had I won the 245 million my humble requirements would only take about half, so the rest would be available for my philanthropy. Not many people know about this part of my life. Although to be fair lately I’ve been on the receiving end. It’s a fantastic plan! But God doesn’t seem to understand the good I could accomplish by blessing the lives of those less fortunate. I could be a power to uplift and bring about great change. Look I’m in the “Swear there ain’t no heaven, pray there ain’t no hell” camp. But let’s just say for the sake of continuity that God created and has influence over we mortals. According to most zealots depending on their slant toward ‘Old Testament’ culture or the ‘New Testament’ God is either a vengeful retaliative God or a merciful gracious God willing to overlook a few peccadilloes. The interesting thing about accepting God is one must choose which to prepare for.
I hope Margo can weigh in on this! I’m not sure even angels can serve both Gods.
So my point is which God would be most willing to at least read the ‘Executive Summary?’ Hopefully you can see my dilemma. There have been far too many jackpots won by undeserving assholes that either lose it all or selfishly spend it on themselves and a family member or two. This is NOT a Christ-like mindset! Do you see where this is going? I’m not saying I’m Christ-like by any means; rather my actions would be perceived as being what Christ would do.
I’ve been soliciting the wrong God!
In my mind the ‘New Testament’ God would have been overjoyed to expedite my plan, but it doesn’t appear so. I’m going to make contact with the God of the ‘Old Testament.’ You remember him don’t you? He’s the one that told Lot to find one righteous man and he’d spare Sodom and Ghamorrah. I think we all know about the pillar of salt. He’s also the one that laid down a bet with Satan that his servant Job could withstand the many horrors inflicted on him and stood aside to let it happen. This is a God I can deal with!
I’m almost positive this God will demand a significantly higher price than simple supplication. I’m tweaking the business plan to include a section on ‘failure.’ This God expects results! There must be consequences should I fail to hold up my end of the bargain. I haven’t yet decided on the punishment phase and do seek help from the two or three of you hell bent on reading this blasphemy to come up with something this God would accept. Personally I’m torn between eternal damnation, forced to play golf every minute, or the dreaded four hour erection. I’m working on it.