WALK A MILE IN MY SHOES…..zuki tries on a new pair

Good Morning Dwellers of the Stoop,

I’m pretty sure that in my sixty plus rotations I’ve never experienced a week like the one just gone by.  What I mean by that has nothing to do with rational thought or at best cognitive reasoning.  I will try to outline the past seven days more or less as a daily journal only without the usual solid grammar.  “I was born a poor black child in the delta Mississippi Region.  It was a good life but I had no rhythm so I was considered a peculiar child.  Wait a minute, I’m sorry, that was a Steve Martin movie, “The Jerk” as I  recall, nevertheless I did struggle to keep up with the neighborhood kids.

FAST FORWARD 45 YEARS…

I’m now a fat 60 something with few prospects!  I know that sounds a bit harsh but honestly, living the rest of my days in harmonic bliss in Kona, HI is fading with each passing year.  I’m sorry but it seems I’ve gone off topic…I love Bob Dylan and his stupid harmonica as I’m listening to my personal favorites with headphones and about as self-medicated as anyone should be.  It’s fabulous though…I’m not shaking anymore…okay okay…I can hear you from here…shut the fuck up you self-righteous….shit….my apologies….I forgot where this was going…..don’t be smug; at the very least it’s what you expected!

Okay…let’s try this again…

Last week began with what I considered a flawless plan to upgrade both physically as well as spiritually.  For once in my life I had planned for every contingent and felt supremely prepared.  Yet who of us is really prepared for everything I couldn’t have possibly foreseen the overwhelming, if I may…. moving to a one bedroom apartment would be equal to zuki’s net worth lesson!  Look I’m not going to push Bill Gates around, but alive I’m worth about $1,200.00 including my golf clubs.  One more year and they’ll officially become highly collectable!  Looking back things could have been dramatically different….and I’m not complaining mind you, but cutting to the chase…and damn it you know very well I’m not one to mince words, but I’ve “girded up my loins”  and looking to “kick against the pricks.”

Sunday night my world turned upside down!  Thank God I quit smoking!  I unlocked my deadbolt and even in my crapulous state could smell gas.  I’d just fired up a blunt and started to relax when I realized that perhaps it was more than three day old underwear so I quit blowing perfect smoke rings….we were nearly blown to smithereens!  I had already convinced myself to move, so having to evacuate anyway made the decision pretty easy.  My son came over to help thankfully and when it was all clear we loaded up six boxes and two duffle bags…I was moved.

My son convinced me to toss the child’s bed I’d been using the last seven years promising to bring a queen sized bed he had stored in Ft Collins.  I secured an air mattress which I’d used several years ago when Kim came to visit from Chicago and remembered it being quite comfortable.  I spread out on the floor to enjoy my drunken stupor.   2:30 AM both arms had their blood flow cut as the air mattress had lost all air causing me to lie face down atop my arms.  It took an hour to feel my arms again.  Now what?  No TV, no Internet, so I showered and headed to Breakfast King.  It will no doubt take a separate post to cover how strange the Breakfast King patrons are at 4:00 AM but suffice it to say they’re a little out there!

Without a bed I’ve been severely fatigued.  I mean to the point of falling asleep at my desk as well as suffering mild hallucinations.  When you add shaking uncontrollably you’d have to agree the quality of my life suffers greatly.  Not only are they going to charge me $50 to deliver my new bed, they intend to add $10 per flight of stairs!!  You can’t make this shit up!

I don’t mention this to be heroic because it’s hardly that.  Rather to put some perspective in the two or three of you reading this piffle that you may know peace in your lifetimes or at the very least have a point of comparison. 

zuki

  • Bagwan

    Zuki writes:
    “Fucking me out of $80 seemed inevitable so I hired my son and his high school pal Nick. They saved my life. I stripped naked and rolled over and back on my soft new bed…It was truly orgasmic.”
    For the sake of your son and his pal Nick you want to think about doing some editing on that.

    In any case, what are you going to do with the $9 fez and his co-workers are sending you?

    • zuki

      As I’ve already indicated my crapulousness was beyond anything experienced prior to that posting and yes poor Nick would be mortified!  But he’s seen me walk straight through a screen door without missing a step.  So I doubt he’ll be too despondent. 

      If indeed fez (doesn’t have my address) and the gang at his office send the $9 I’ll be buying a shot of Crown Royal for medicinal reasons of course.

      • Bagwan

        Watching you walk through a screen door would be one think but I think it would be an entirely different matter watching you strip naked and roll back and forth on your Posturepedic — please tell the kids had left before this started.

        • zuki

          I think so…but I was damned excited

  • Zuki

    I have a bed. 
    Not just any ordinary bed mind you, but a SERTA Posture Pedic comfort zone full Queen sized.  I’ve actually seen the sales pitch at a SERTA store and was mildly impressed.  For God’s sake I’ve been living atop hell and actually thought it reasonable to use the Vodka to extricate myself from the nocturnal misery of sleep deprivation.  Fucking me out of $80 seemed inevitable so I hired my son and his high school pal Nick.  They saved my life.  I stripped naked and rolled over and back on my soft new bed…It was truly orgasmic.

  • fez

    We took up a collection here at the office and would like you to spend nearly $9.00 on anything you need for your new place.  Your posting has touched us all.

  • fez

    We took up a collection here at the office and would like you to spend nearly $9.00 on anything you need for your new place.  Your posting has touched us all.

    • Bagwan

      I gave him 20 bucks for a house warming and he bought 2 bottles of Vodka and some cucumbers. I am sure that this extra $9 will lead to more Vodka and a little more garnish.

  • zuki

    The saga continues…..still no bed…..hummmm  I simply failed to remember about the blowout, but given my role as the sappy drunk, I waxed melancholy during the writing phase.  I passed out while trying to proof read.  This morning I read it and cringed, but decided to post it anyway. 

    In regard to your gloomy ‘Gus’ prediction about tonight’s game, I’ll refrain from the normal in your face…ha ha ha…I won I won I won gasconation and instead quietly count the money in front of you.

  • Bagwan

    You are a kind man for sharing all this — I don’t know about the rest of you but I already have a better outlook on this Monday morning. I may even skip the Maury Povich Show this morning, which is normally how I build up my self respect.

    Two more things about last week: how come you didn’t tell everyone the flat tire/flat spare story and given the run you were on I wouldn’t expect too much from the square you bought last week for tonight’s Monday night pool.

  • Always ANONYMOUS

    Andy Rooney is retiring… so there is an opportunity for a much-put-upon curmudgeon like ZUKI!