NASTY TAKES HIS 30TH ROTATION…..zuki does the “humpty hump”

Good Morning Sniveling Cowards,

I’m honored to have been bestowed a lifetime membership of the “Drop Everything Club,” circa 2011.  Without overlooking the birthdays of my son as well as ‘Naked Albert’ that in my opinion has set some sort of record for perversion, yet in the long run, seemed to have a rhythm that literally rocked a spontaneous outbreak of “let it go!”    

Last Friday my eldest son turned 30.  I don’t know about the two or three of you reading this afflatus but turning 30 is one of life’s rich pageant’s milestones.  I can vividly remember my 30th rotation.  I wandered up and down the Snake River during the day and the Cowboy Bar in Jackson’s Hole, WY at night.  I did this for three days contemplating where I was in regard to the grand plan.  Nasty on the other hand is well ahead of schedule and decided to rent out a lodge in Breckenridge, CO. with 17 bedrooms including my very own suite!  The accommodations were first class.

The guest list included most of his lifelong friends, their significant others, and even a stranger (Jeff) that wanted to be there.  I invited my associates but as one might guess of 50-60 somethings 2:00 pm on Friday afternoon was not enough notice.  They’ll never be members of the club; so be it.

I was very excited to leave so I slid out the loading dock door and left work a tad early.  I stopped for socks and a hood-y and pointed my old Camry up the mountain.  I was a bit nervous about my car catching fire but it seemed to run better as the temperature dropped. 

I made a liquor run while the others made a trip to ‘Food King’ in preparation of Nasty’s valued guests.  I’ve known some of these kids since they were in middle school and I must say the maturity and sense of themselves was gratifying if not surprising.  Bre and Lauren put together some delicious goodies and the bar was officially open.  Ten minutes into the revelry Mike Albert the other birthday boy showed up with Mindy in tow and within minutes stripped naked running upstairs to play an old Centipede table video game.  I don’t recall anyone sitting there the rest of the evening as skidding is Albert’s special talent. 

Pouring one’s own drinks tends to hasten the inevitable and the level of crapulousness escalated to a fever pitch.  With nothing more than a smart phone Brandon (Nasty’s step brother) set up two large speakers on telescoping stands that would rival most people’s home system!  The lovely dining tables were joined together creating an impromptu stage.  Before I could fill my glass with ice, the posse was atop the tables doing the “Humpty Hump” with Nasty on the microphone.  It was decided that we needed to share this social gathering with the good people of Breckenridge and take the party to the bar!

Somehow we got separated while walking to Main Street.  John, Michael, and yours truly ended up at some dump charging $8 for Vodka Tonics and didn’t even provide an umbrella!  While waiting for the rest to find us I became engaged in conversation with two American Indian women and even if I say so myself seemed to be making progress with the older one.  I felt I was close to closing the deal when Nasty came in.  He immediately recognized the situation and walked to our table and “TOPPED” each of their beers causing them to foam out of the bottle. Needless to say they left in a huff!  Seeing my hurt expression, Nasty quickly reminded me I was letting hope overcome reason, and off we went to locate another bar.  

The pounding bass beat attracted Nasty and with no cover we joined in what I can only describe as a ‘mosh pit.’  I’m sure the term is passé, but that’s what came to mind.  We pushed and shoved our way toward the front to see white dudes rapping to something a DJ was playing while everyone on the floor were pumping their fists upward to the beat.  It was about this time I realized I had to piss.  Looking around I didn’t see an obvious urinal location and doubted whether an old man on his own would get through the crowd without injury.  It was past 2:00 AM and what little energy left to me was needed to get back to the ‘Eagles Nest’ so I headed toward the door.  Halfway there I felt someone pushing me in the back.  I stopped and turned staring at some young ‘ruffian’ who didn’t think I was moving fast enough.  I asked him nicely to stop, but that only served to encourage the idiot so he kept pushing.  This time I turned around and grabbed his AC DC T-shirt and with the most threatening look I could muster told him I’d lay him out if he did it again.  Evidently the old man still has enough bluster and bullshit to bluff as the punk walked away.

I managed to locate the lodge and the comfort of my suite and immediately passed out.  According to those that were there, I missed Albert and Mindy engaged in the act of coitus in the hot tub.  According to reliable sources the splashing and displacement actually left the tub a third full.  The repair guy was there the next morning.

While partying with my sons is always fun for me it also takes two full days to recover!  I’ll be forever grateful to Nasty and Bre for not only the opportunity to share in his birthday celebration, but more importantly, to become a lifetime member of the “Drop Everything Club.”  IT WAS EPIC.


  • Bagwan

    Uncle fester, Zuki is much more likely to be obscene than unseen.

  • zuki

    Well well it’s good to hear from you!  I want to know how long it took you to find the obvious quote about Fathers not being seen or heard?  Ah skip it!  I disagree.  When I’m finished on this rock I want to have used “all the runway” bitching and moaning about something using my last breath! 

  • festeringboil

    Being part of the ‘two or three’ that read your particular brand of lunacy I felt the need to offer these words of advice.  Fathers should be neither seen nor heard. That is the only proper basis for family life.

  • Always ANONYMOUS

    “Sensibilities” hits a more emotional note than “sensitivies”… although the latter can also connote emotion, it is typically associated with the actual senses! 
    Thank MOI, Thank MOI very much!

  • zuki

    Thanks for all the cards and flowers but I’m feeling much better these days and walked all by myself to the turd bowl.  The doctor says I’ll be “right as rain” soon…GBY

    • Bagwan

      I have never heard it referred to as a “turd bowl.” I would like to think that we could have a more refined level of discourse here at the Diatribe. I guess when you are wrestling with pigs, you should expect to get some mud on you.
       It does however remind me of one of my step-father’s favorites: “it went over like a turd in a punch bowl.”

      • zuki

        Oh for shit’s sake!  Like I don’t have anything better to do than to worry about YOUR sensibilities!  Okay okay I’ll make an effort from this day forth to refer to the turd bowl as the toilet….there do you feel better?

        • Bagwan

          I am not sure about the difference between sensibilities and sensitivities but I think both involve the nipple and the brain.
          I wish we could afford a meeting room.

  • Bagwan

    I probably let my emotions show more than usual but I was verklempt about the dangers Zuki faced  this weekend. I just got back from seeing him in ICU and they say he is breathing normally and is masturbating every 45 minutes.

    Tim Tebow and  I just took a knee to pray that Zuki gets back to normal. I asked timmy if God cares Zuki. Timmy said fuck Zuki, he just hopes God explains St. Paul’s concept of Charity to Ndamukong Suh.

    Detroit beats Denver this weekend 5 to 2. I know it is a football game but Detroit may have lost their QB for this weekend and unfortunately Denver has not.

    One of my favorite comments of all time comes from former Detroit Lion QB, Bobby Layne : “If a man has to work past noon, then the job was too big for him in the first place.”

  • Always ANONYMOUS

    I am not sure if BOI Wonder’s “beer topping” was deferential to ZUKI or not… I DO KNOW that this gesture shows little respect for that GREAT GOLDEN GIFT of the Gods… AKA… BEER!!!

  • zuki

    fez, I was much hammered to be sure, but I’m positive she was the real thing!  Two lovely Native American sisters laughing at my jokes; I was in for sure!  For Bagwan to spread this around as if true is how he ‘rolls.’  He’s one of those people we all knew in school.  They’d be the first to start some shit, and then when all hell breaks loose they’re nowhere to be found.  I’d bet ALL of Bagwan’s money she was a squaw!  Just sayin…

    • Bagwan

      Your son invites you to this raucous party and sets you up in your own suite. He encourages you to bring friends and apparently most guests brought a “friend” of the opposite sex — except of course you and Jeff. Now you get to a bar and are right on the verge of pairing up some lovely and you want us to believe that Nasty steps in and screws up the whole deal for you. 
      I have met Nasty and I can say unequivocally that he would not have intervened on a quality opportunity for his old man. Now he would intervene if we are talking about a toothless old squaw or a light in his moccasins brave.
      I suggest you go back and redo the story and this time make the interloper Jeff the villain.

      • zuki

        Well the way you’ve put the whole ‘Topping’ thing does seem to be a bit out of character but I tell you it’s true!  He claimed he didn’t want to send out a search party after I left with Pochahantas and her sister so he initiated the premptive strike.  He further explained he thought all they were up to is to soak me for drinks!  I’d have invested a couple rounds just to see, but we’ll never know now.

      • Anonymous

        Yes, I ‘Topped’ the women in question…  There is a certain breed of woman that will put up with our shit long enough to be bed… 

  • fez

    We here in accounts receivable tend to live vicariously thru zuki’s traveloges and commentary.  That said it was disappointing to discover he was hitting on a brave rather than the squaw he thought he was.  I hope Bagwan is putting us on.

  • Bagwan

    Being good (?) Catholics, JJ and I never had a chance to attend any of the Mormon kids’ parties — it appears we were missing something.
    I am just glad Zuki made it down off the mountain with just a little more tread wear than he experiences on a typical weekend. I am also happy that he has apparently made it into the office on this Monday morning. Years ago when I owned a business I read somewhere that repeated Monday absenteeism is a sign of drug and alcohol abuse. I was never able to test the theory on my own employees since I seldom made it in on Mondays.

    Just looking at this picture of the Native American Zuki was communing with I would say there is a fair chance it was a guy. Thank god Zuki’s son came along in time to save him from yet one more embarrassing situation.