Good Morning Sniveling Cowards,
I’m honored to have been bestowed a lifetime membership of the “Drop Everything Club,” circa 2011. Without overlooking the birthdays of my son as well as ‘Naked Albert’ that in my opinion has set some sort of record for perversion, yet in the long run, seemed to have a rhythm that literally rocked a spontaneous outbreak of “let it go!”
Last Friday my eldest son turned 30. I don’t know about the two or three of you reading this afflatus but turning 30 is one of life’s rich pageant’s milestones. I can vividly remember my 30th rotation. I wandered up and down the Snake River during the day and the Cowboy Bar in Jackson’s Hole, WY at night. I did this for three days contemplating where I was in regard to the grand plan. Nasty on the other hand is well ahead of schedule and decided to rent out a lodge in Breckenridge, CO. with 17 bedrooms including my very own suite! The accommodations were first class.
The guest list included most of his lifelong friends, their significant others, and even a stranger (Jeff) that wanted to be there. I invited my associates but as one might guess of 50-60 somethings 2:00 pm on Friday afternoon was not enough notice. They’ll never be members of the club; so be it.
I was very excited to leave so I slid out the loading dock door and left work a tad early. I stopped for socks and a hood-y and pointed my old Camry up the mountain. I was a bit nervous about my car catching fire but it seemed to run better as the temperature dropped.
I made a liquor run while the others made a trip to ‘Food King’ in preparation of Nasty’s valued guests. I’ve known some of these kids since they were in middle school and I must say the maturity and sense of themselves was gratifying if not surprising. Bre and Lauren put together some delicious goodies and the bar was officially open. Ten minutes into the revelry Mike Albert the other birthday boy showed up with Mindy in tow and within minutes stripped naked running upstairs to play an old Centipede table video game. I don’t recall anyone sitting there the rest of the evening as skidding is Albert’s special talent.
Pouring one’s own drinks tends to hasten the inevitable and the level of crapulousness escalated to a fever pitch. With nothing more than a smart phone Brandon (Nasty’s step brother) set up two large speakers on telescoping stands that would rival most people’s home system! The lovely dining tables were joined together creating an impromptu stage. Before I could fill my glass with ice, the posse was atop the tables doing the “Humpty Hump” with Nasty on the microphone. It was decided that we needed to share this social gathering with the good people of Breckenridge and take the party to the bar!
Somehow we got separated while walking to Main Street. John, Michael, and yours truly ended up at some dump charging $8 for Vodka Tonics and didn’t even provide an umbrella! While waiting for the rest to find us I became engaged in conversation with two American Indian women and even if I say so myself seemed to be making progress with the older one. I felt I was close to closing the deal when Nasty came in. He immediately recognized the situation and walked to our table and “TOPPED” each of their beers causing them to foam out of the bottle. Needless to say they left in a huff! Seeing my hurt expression, Nasty quickly reminded me I was letting hope overcome reason, and off we went to locate another bar.
The pounding bass beat attracted Nasty and with no cover we joined in what I can only describe as a ‘mosh pit.’ I’m sure the term is passé, but that’s what came to mind. We pushed and shoved our way toward the front to see white dudes rapping to something a DJ was playing while everyone on the floor were pumping their fists upward to the beat. It was about this time I realized I had to piss. Looking around I didn’t see an obvious urinal location and doubted whether an old man on his own would get through the crowd without injury. It was past 2:00 AM and what little energy left to me was needed to get back to the ‘Eagles Nest’ so I headed toward the door. Halfway there I felt someone pushing me in the back. I stopped and turned staring at some young ‘ruffian’ who didn’t think I was moving fast enough. I asked him nicely to stop, but that only served to encourage the idiot so he kept pushing. This time I turned around and grabbed his AC DC T-shirt and with the most threatening look I could muster told him I’d lay him out if he did it again. Evidently the old man still has enough bluster and bullshit to bluff as the punk walked away.
I managed to locate the lodge and the comfort of my suite and immediately passed out. According to those that were there, I missed Albert and Mindy engaged in the act of coitus in the hot tub. According to reliable sources the splashing and displacement actually left the tub a third full. The repair guy was there the next morning.
While partying with my sons is always fun for me it also takes two full days to recover! I’ll be forever grateful to Nasty and Bre for not only the opportunity to share in his birthday celebration, but more importantly, to become a lifetime member of the “Drop Everything Club.” IT WAS EPIC.