APPARENT DOUBLE SUICIDE SHOCKS LITTLEWOOD

APPARENT DOUBLE SUICIDE SHOCKS LITTLEWOOD
Dateline: Littlewood, Colorado July 8, 2011
The gristly discovery early this morning of two dead bodies at Littlewood’s premier tourist attraction has this normally tranquil town in upheaval.
Doors were being bolted for the first time in decades, and the local chapter of the Deviant Curmudgeon Society has called an emergency meeting to explore the formation of Vigilante “Visitors.”
Meanwhile, Sheriff Joseph R. A. Piehole tried to calm the fears of nervous L-Woods by announcing that all initial indications point to a double suicide… perhaps even the result of a self-infliction pact… and not due to any foul play.
The recently-hired night watchperson at Littlewood’s infamous Hall of Shame (who asked to remain “Anonymous”) stated that, while in the course of his normal rounds, he discovered the bodies in the Hall’s recently-remodeled “Gallery of Goof & Gall” around 3 am.
“I didn’t touch a f***ing thing,” he swore, “and immediately called 911… even used my very own personal cell… it’s a top-of-the-line iPhone 4… a real thing of beauty… ‘cause if I hadn’t, I would’ve had to walk all the way back to the reception lobby to use our land line… would’a taken an extra 3 minutes… I have always tried to do MOI best when it comes to dealing with law enforcement… what MOI being a former TSA Agent an’ all… so I knew time was of the essence!”
Sheriff Piehole identified the victims as Only OHLAFF (aka O.O.), sought since last month as an “object of interest” by investigators for the Just-Less League; and a female, Only OLGAH, who was apparently cloned by/from Only OHLAFF in a desperate attempt to comply with The Bagged ONE’s (O.O.’s former spiritual sponsor) expiatory exhortation to “go f*** yourself!”
Some details have emerged: Only OHLAFF is accused of “aiding and/or abetting” Just JACKWAGON (aka J.J.), frequent fugitive, notorious bon vivant, raucous raconteur, and all-around “Good Joe.” He is described as a “disarming and dangerous” escapee from a Witless Protection Programmer “treatment facility” just south of High Anus Port, SC.
No motive for the deaths was readily available, but Sheriff’s Deputies’ evidence logs listed: several box scores from recent Colorado Rockies games; an A-P-B Warrant for O.O. to report for questioning about the current whereabouts of J.J.; a crumbled-up “NO MAS Agreement;” pregnancy-test results (“POS”) from Unplanned Parenthood; approximately 3 fluid ounces Maker’s Mark whiskey remaining in a half-gallon bottle; an empty Coors Light “suitcase;” and numerous crushed aluminum cans.
Final details will be released in the Medical Examiner’s report, but death by asphyxiation remains the likely cause, given the neatly-knotted Winn-Dixie plastic bags affixed around the victims’ heads. This reporter speculates that a suicide pact was, indeed, enacted… and that they mutually and simultaneously tied each other’s instruments of infliction… perhaps after sharing one last kiss.
Friends contacted by this reporter stated that recently Only OHLAFF had been acting despondent and moody to those he normally would have totally ignored or would have shown nothing but disdain and contempt for.
“He had just returned from a month-long road trip that O.O. called a ‘vacation,’” offered ZUKI, a self-described “concerned friend” and volunteer pall bearer, adding “but, answer me this, who in the hell drives 8,000 miles all ’round the South-East in the middle of Summer?!… let alone on vacation?!?!?!”

  • Always ANONYMOUS

    Don’t do it, ZUKI!… this guy’s name is obviously an amalgam of “fee” & “weasel”… so forget the check, and just remit my commissions in unmarked small US tender, place inside empty “flip-top box” cigarette pack, and place on the front passenger (that side still doesn’t lock. right?) seat of your auto… I know enough of your daily “schedule” to furtively retrieve it in the next few days.
    Thank you, as ever, for your help.
    On second thought… give half of my earnings to BOI WONDER… he deserves some credit for enhancing the “look and feel” of Your DIATRIBE… AND,… OH,… YES,… BTW,… Did you ever consider that readership might be up due to your ABSENCE?!?!?!… why don’t we test MOI theory, shall we?… please submit something for Tues!

    • Bagwan

      Always Anus makes a good point about the origin of fez’ name and we will research that soon. I can’t help but be curious about the words that follow: “small Unmarked US Tender” — if I am not mistaken that is a perfect description of Just Jovial’s inner thighs

  • fez

    Zuki.  Always ANONYMOUS has agreed in principle to allow me to act as proxy to manage the affairs of his estate.  Please remit payment to and send the check to the following:
     
    George Feezell
    PO Box 2301
    Melrose Park, IL 60160
     
    Discretion in these matters is assured

  • zuki

    The check is filled in and signed.  However it’s difficult to make it out to Always ANONYMOUS.  Who should I make the check payable to?

  • Always ANONYMOUS

    IS MY CHECK IN THE MAIL YET?

  • Always ANONYMOUS

    IS MY CHECK IN THE MAIL YET?

  • zuki

    I’m always amazed how Aunt Myrna continues to appear either physically (far left in photo) or in Baggie’s commentary. Cush has insisted I’ve met her, but I’m sure he’s mistaken.  I’ve heard her entire life story (five times!) so it’s not unfathomable.

    NOTEWORTHY:

    Always ANONYMOUS entry regarding the apparent double suicide garnered more ‘views’ over the weekend than ever before!  Typically Saturday and Sunday average 25 to 30 views.  Over the weekend we got 65 on Saturday and 75 on Sunday!  Well done. 

  • zuki

    I’m always amazed how Aunt Myrna continues to appear either physically (far left in photo) or in Baggie’s commentary. Cush has insisted I’ve met her, but I’m sure he’s mistaken.  I’ve heard her entire life story (five times!) so it’s not unfathomable.

    NOTEWORTHY:

    Always ANONYMOUS entry regarding the apparent double suicide garnered more ‘views’ over the weekend than ever before!  Typically Saturday and Sunday average 25 to 30 views.  Over the weekend we got 65 on Saturday and 75 on Sunday!  Well done. 

  • Bagwan

    Bow Mar High never had much in the way of sports teams but they were famous for their Prom Courts. The most famous edition included Cush, DV ANT, Madcow and Aunt Myrna.

    Not sure who is who in the picture

  • Always ANONYMOUS

    JT is married to Bow Mar Prom Queen… Dewster 411 came from him… but later verified by John. 

  • Always ANONYMOUS

    DEWSTERS ALERT!
    Am at Toad Tav to catch 1st 2 bands (Delta Sonics & Erica Brown Band) in Toad Summer Blues Fest… Soooo nice to hear live music before Geezer 9pm bed call!
    Ran into Burrito John & John Thompson (JT) from yore… New “Dewsters” to open in week or so… Same name & owners as topless joint on Santa Fe… Except now bikini-clad all-female staff… Stage… Presumably with pole… Not open til 5… Probably no NTN… probably VERY closely monitored by Littlewood PD!… see ya there!!!… No MAS policy does NOT preclude looking/drooling!!!
    BTW, Arnell’s band plays Sat 7/30 Toad Tav 8pm.

    • Bagwan

      Thank you for the update. I don’t remember a “John Thompson.” I remember burrito john, old john and john wagner but I don’t remember John Thompson.
      I have probably been calling jt by the wrong name all these years — oh well.
      I am also probably mistaken again, but I thought the new All Stars was affiliated with the sports bar chain of the same name and not the titty bar.
      If you got your info from burrito John I need no more references. In that neighborhood his info is always golden.
      Enjoy your early bird blues.

      The image I post tonight is of another john — John Lee Hooker who is another guy I saw on a plane.
      I hope the connection is obvious. 

  • Bagwan

    The 3 ounces of Maker’s Mark left in the bottle is a huge red flag. I have never known OO to willingly leave behind even a drop of alchohol. I smell a rat here and there is no bigger rat than the suddenly invisible JJ.
    Notice to the Littlewood PD — there is foul play here, very foul indeed.

  • zuki

    Given the anonymous posting and the uncertainty of it all, “Me thinks the night watchman protests too much”  For those of you unfamiliar with Littlewood this is the biggest story to hit since the Bagwan lost his virginity!  Long long long ago…