A CHEAP SHOT….bagged and gagged is desperate

Mr. Zuki

2001 W. Littlewood Ave.

Littlewood, CO 80123

Dear Mr. Zuki:

Perhaps you have heard of me and my nationwide campaign in the cause of temperance. Each year for the past fourteen, I have made a tour of Florida and Southern Georgia, including Indiana, Iowa and Illinois and delivered a series of lectures on the evils of drinking.  On this tour I have been accompanied by my young friend and assistant, Clyde Lindstrom.  Clyde, a young man of good family and excellent background is a pathetic example of a life ruined by excessive indulgence in whiskey and wild women.

Clyde would appear with me at the lectures and sit on the platform wheezing and staring at the audience through bleary, bloodshot eyes.  Sweating profusely, picking his nose, passing gas and making obscene gestures, while I would point him out as an example of what over indulgence can do to a person.

Last fall, unfortunately, Clyde died.  Our mutual friend, Just Jackwagon, has given me your name and I wonder if you would be available to take Clyde’s place on my 2011 tour.

Yours in faith,

Reverend Elton Jones

The Rescue Mission

  • Always ANONYMOUS

    I’m in for B-Day party… Let’ ALL meet @ The Taste of Colorado!
    I’ll pop for toxic turkeylegs & tepid tapbeer!!!

  • Bagwan

    Well AA as you well know I would be the last guy to say ” I told you so.” But in this case I did tell you to caveat your rectum.
    It sounds like he has more of these “birthday parties” planned. I think I liked it better when he kept these things limited to just immediate family.

  • zuki

    Facts?  Did you day facts?  Well it’s hard to argue anything this morning as nothing but fuzzies pour out of my ears while bleeding from my eyes.  I have always believed in the “law of large numbers” and if I had 10-15 friends they most certainly would have been called.  Thanks to all the well wishers at Blondies and a hearty slap on the back to A.A. for the keen new wallet.  Much appreciated.  You can say what you want about his Aunt Myrna, but Cush is virtuoso when it comes to tools.  His wizardry with an open end wrench is unmatched!  The battery remains secure and performs perfectly!  I’d like to add my thanks to the Bagwan for all the nice things he said about me before he staggered to the wrong car!  It was a lot of fun and I’ll be having my REAL birthday over Labor Day weekend and everyone is invited!

  • Always ANONYMOUS

    As per usual, I had given the Bagged ONE’s sage advice short shrift… and, once again, I rue away.
    ZUKI’s actual B-Day WAS yesterday and I (along with several other unsuspectors) was snared in a convoluted, contrived trap. 
    Soooooo… I rushed to the office this morning to get this down while I still had a firm grasp on the facts:
    Yesterday ZUKI informed MOI by voicemail (that fact alone should have alerted MOI ’cause he very seldom communicates that way) that his battery was weak and “there had been a change of plans” (missed clue #2… we had NO prior plans!), but (in what turned out to be a totally masterful stroke) the transmission ended cryptically mid-message… so I naturally assumed that it was his CELL PHONE battery he was talking about.
    Admittedly frustrated and somewhat alarmed at what peril MON Ami could have gotten himself into THIS time, I called Blondie’s and had him paged to the house phone.
    Well… ZUKI proceedes to tell MOI that it was his “car” (yes, I use the term lightly) battery that was ailing and that the phone message had ended abruptly as his “car” was about to be towed.
    He went on to explain that he needed a Diehard model J1001 immediately… adding “make sure you bring me the receipt.” (missed clue #3)
    I left work early and motored over to the nearest Sears and prcocured said battery with MOI Sears Card.
    I sped to the bar… and pantingly lugged in the battery… thinking, for certain, I had Just saved the day!
    ZUKI didn’t even bother to get up from his stool, instead perfuctorily instructed me to “just put it over there” pointing to a spot alongside the elevated bandstand.
    LO! & BEHOLD!!… there was a stack of 6 or 7 Diehard J1001’s ALREADY THERE!!! (final clue!)
    I HAD BEEN HAD!!!
    Turns out, ZUKI made the same call to 10-15 “friends” in hopes that Just ONE would respond!
    I left the bar in a Huff (MOI vintage 1966 Hudson Huff)… scantly satisfied that MOI was not the MOST gullible guy in Littlewood… mutual “friend” CushDaddy had not only bought a battery, but came equipped with the requisit talent and tools to install it!!!
    I doubt I will ever see a corresponding credit on MOI Sears statement.
    MOI heartfelt apologies to Our Wise-Ass Wizzard for ignoring his counsel to MOI peril!!!

  • Always ANONYMOUS

    Rectum?… DAMN NEAR KILLED HIM!

  • Always ANONYMOUS

    Rectum?… DAMN NEAR KILLED HIM!

  • Bagwan

    All right here is the thing and I only post this as fair warning. I had cocktails today with Zuki and he let it slip that tomorrow 8/2 is his 62nd birthday. Well of course I bought all his drinks, played “Green Beret” on the jukebox and told him what a great guy he is.
    What I am worried about is that tomorrow he may be running the same scam on one of you. I have no way of knowing if 8/2 is his real birthday. 
    Man this is one of those rare times when you wish JJ was around — what was that thing he used to say: “Caveat rector” — no maybe it was rectum. 

  • zuki

    Since when has J.J. EVER been a reliable judge of character, let alone a “drinker par excellence”  Next time you cross paths with J.J. you tell him I’m dropping a dime!

  • Always ANONYMOUS

    Sir:
    How can you possibly parade some poor unfortunate soul around like a trained show pony?… and you call yourself “Reverend”?… more like “Revolting”!
    This makes MOI doubt that J.J. knew the details of your “tour” because, as a card-carrying Drinker Par Excellence, J.J. would never have nominated ZUKI for such a position… his low regard for ZUKI as a “person” not withstanding!   

  • zuki

    A small opportunity indeed.  You would do well to make this a one man show given your propensity for exposing yourself.  Like Clyde let us hope your departure from this rock is sooner rather than later.  Ah shit…..that was my inside voice ….sorry.  But think about it.

  • Bagwan

    “Small opportunities are often the beginning of great enterprises.”
    –Demosthenes
    I wouldn’t normally quote a pederast to make my point but I think Zuki would be well served to open the door to the knocking of this opportunity.
    BTW, it is good to see that the missing JJ is still interested in the welfare of his former associates.
    By way of clarification it is Demosthenes who is the pederast, not JJ.