ZEITGEIST MOVING FORWARD….zuki unburdens himself

Good Morning Zeitgeist,

As we approach the time of year we actually begin to earn money for ourselves and not the evil produce nothing government, I think it appropriate to discuss where we stand on the issues of the day.  I think we’ve done a pretty fair job of keeping this our humble forum apolitical, but there’s so much at stake in these days of governmental obesity it begs discussion.  I’ve joked about it in the past but somebody needs to step up and ‘kick against the pricks’ and it might as well be me.  I can hear you scoff and snicker “Yah right–zuki is running for President!  The odds of zuki even getting into the race are greater than hitting power ball!”   I’m hip.  Certainly it won’t be easy, but before you dismiss the idea out of hand, I’d like to use the ‘bully pulpit’ of this our humble forum to make my case.

The vetting process usually discourages highly qualified candidates from stepping up.  We’ve all got skeletons buried in our respective walk ins but recently I’ve managed to have mine dug up in 15 states!  The many traffic violations will create a diversion giving my political opponents a trail to follow.  While they point to my warrants for parking tickets and an illegal turn on a red light, all they’ll be doing is make themselves look petty and small.  More importantly though, they’ll never discover the really BIG secret I’ve been sitting on for years.  To be transparent I’m going to unburden myself and describe for the two or three of you reading this morass my secret.  As always you’re on the honor system and must never reveal it to anyone outside the ‘Diatribe.’  If you can’t make this promise you should log off now…..  hummm….te dum de dum….oh black betty..bam a lam….

Okay then, here it is:

In the years before I was married 1968 – 1975 I was living in San Francisco/Sacramento enjoying the many perks of youth and because I’m incapable of saying NO, was involved in several raunchy sexual encounters that included housewives, a legal secretary, A&W Root Beer stand manager, Heroin addict, several artists, and an assortment of older women. I was on a rotating schedule with many of these women and found it all exciting if not surreal. For a 20 something I couldn’t imagine my life being any better.  Then the bottom fell out.  In a scheduled appointment I stopped by to hook up with Sally the oriental wife of a Podiatrist.  While in the throes of unbelievable sex, the poor doctor came home unexpectedly and caught us in the act.  As you could imagine all hell broke loose!  While I was putting on clothes unconcerned with buttons Sally was pleading for the doctor not to do it and screamed for me to get out!  Finished I began to look for an exit but before I could escape the doctor came in with a shotgun at point blank range.

Needless to say, I shit myself.  He raised and aimed the weapon directly at my head.  Knowing I was finished I closed my eyes and awaited the end.  For reasons I’m not sure of, instead of blowing my head “clean off” he turned around to a hysterical Sally and blew her away with both barrels directly in front of me splattering blood everywhere!  Not hesitating I jumped through the bedroom window head first rolling through Juniper bushes and ran to my 58 VW ragtop never looking back.  I was covered with Sally’s blood now mixed with mine from the many cuts to my head and drove home.  I never heard or read anything about it. I kept looking for the story to be on local news but never did.  I was drafted the next month essentially ending sex as I knew it.  To this day I’ve never answered to anyone about it.

All the years I’ve carried the guilt of murder around knowing I should have stepped forward and gone to the police, but instead remained silent not wanting to get involved has taken a toll on me. I decided to run for high office so that in some measure have an opportunity to offset this horrendous deed in which I played a part. But having just relived it, I’m thinking there is no doubt a better way to alleviate my suffering than running for high office.  I’m going to consult with Only OHLAFF and perhaps the ‘Holy Fucker’ as to how best make amends.  I’ll keep you posted.

zuki

  • Bagwan

    I ran into the Madcow yesterday over at the Dog Dick Saloon. He said that he had heard that Deweys had been leased and is going to reopen. I drove by there this morning and sure enough the “for lease” sign is down and they are getting ready to open. I am not sure what the theme of the new place will be but they were unloading dance poles off a flatbed trailer when I drove by. 

  • Bagwan

    Good news! It turns out that using campaign contributions for bail money is not only allowed, it is common practice, so Keikuk here we come. In fact what we need to do is get a current list of all the “Wants and Warrants” that are out on you and that will be our road map for your campaign. Just as the Donald is “running” for President to promote that lame show of his, you can run to clear up your criminal record (a more worthy cause I might add).

    Now all we need to do is find some people stupid enough to give you some campaign contributions — see I know we were going to miss JJ. 

  • Anonymous

     Nobody said it would be easy my friends but I thank you both for your kind remarks and sound advice. 

  • Bagwan

    Campaigning in Iowa is going to be a little tricky for you. I’ll double check for you on the rule about using campaign contributions for bail money 

  • Only OHLAFF

    I Just bet your “really BIG secret” was actually an elaborate scam to blackmail you… the Dentist and his wife would pin her “murder” on you… but they quickly abandoned their scheme when they determined you possessed almost no worldly assets, making you a non-productive “mark.”
    As for your political asperations… I Only offer this advice:  Forget running for Pres, forget running for Dog Catcher, forget running for ANY office… JUST RUN!… JUST RUN… Just as far and Just as fast as you can… AWAY FROM ME!!!