Good Morning Madam Curie Wherever You Are,
As we put yet another work week behind us and head to the weekend looking for diversion, I think it important to remember those who’ve gone before to discover and point out our collective carnal predisposition. These men and women have gone mostly unnoticed and certainly unrecognized for their tireless work in ferreting out what is worthy and what is not. For the two or three of you that have followed this scum bag for a time, you’ve witnessed firsthand the pleasures and pitfalls of trolling for sexual favors. To honor these unheralded heroes of hedonism I’d like to put each of them on a pedestal so that when you experience the licentious proliferation resulting from their work, you’ll have a sense of history which of course makes you a better person.
1. First and foremost let’s remember Poo for documenting and making the strong case for masturbation being classified as a sexual act. His ambidextrous approach caused his own family to have an intervention; putting him in the ‘cotton box’ for several months until his escape. Because of his bravery, we can look our friends in the eye when claiming a weekend of sexual revelry.
2. What can you say about Dv’ant that hasn’t already been said? Who can forget (I’d like to) how he used his large frame to seduce ‘midget clowns’ into using his belly as a trampoline; impaling them one by one on his ‘Johnson.’ It’s important to remember though that nobody got seriously hurt as reportedly his 2 inch member was capable of only minor contusions.
3. Then there’s the diva Dee Dee who brought the art of ‘tease’ to new heights. I mean this literally as we cruised up the canyon in search of the big screen. Her drunken blathering for missed roads, ticket offices, and thinned air has taught us a valuable lesson about what we actually know. When we claim to be the guide to outdoor adventure, we damn well better deliver.
4. As you are aware the Bagwan has removed himself from our presence primarily to be cleansed from the failings of mortal men. However, being mortal himself, he felt it would be easier to attain “Self Actualization” and spiritual growth by adopting Bill Clinton’s “eatin ain’t cheatin” philosophy using his tongue instead of his ‘Johnson.’ It has proved to be an effective divining rod for seeking out moisture in old women. God bless him for his work.
5. The most recent lesson learned came to us by Just JACKWAGON. Without his time and money we perhaps would have lost yet one more source for high jinks. With the exception of those residing in ‘Appalachia’ most of us have never looked to our immediate families for sexual gratification. JJ’s outreach to his nieces and nephews has put yet one more arrow into our quivers. He’s truly blessed.
6. Last but not least, let’s put our hands together and honor Madcow for his tremendous work with the ‘homeless.’ By virtue of his enormous heart and Marijuana License #CO 89426-2A he has lifted downtrodden women from the depths of despair to occasionally enjoy a hot meal and some really GOOD pot just prior to being used as specimen cups. His work has gone on to re-enforce Pavlov’s experiments with salivating dogs in that every time he walks in the shelter the women (and a few men) wet themselves.
So you see my friends we have much to be grateful for this weekend. By all accounts none of us should report to work on Monday hanging our heads in shame because we didn’t get laid. As you now understand we have many more options than those outside ‘Curmudgeon Corner’ so enjoy.
Have a great weekend!