Good Morning Philomathic Engrams,
In terms of 60 plus rotations I believe most of us married or not will eventually come to a crossroad and forced to pause. I’m not saying a month long ordeal of praying and fasting, rather a moment in time to reflect what it is we want. You’ve heard the old adage “Be careful what you wish for” stated as a warning right? I now understand it in that context. In the past two weeks I’ve spent allot of time with a woman considerably younger than I am and enjoyed every minute. She’s funny, witty, bright, and possesses a strong libido. She’s an old soul loving all the same music, movies, and even politics as I do making her just too good to be true. I know what you’re thinking, “Zuki you’d complain about finding $100 in a paper bag, convinced somebody took half of it.” I’m hip. But look shortly after we really met the first time I thought perhaps I found someone. In actuality I did. I wanted badly for her to be “the one” but the longer we shared time the more I was convinced it could never be. At most she was going to be a friend should she subscribe to the notion that men and women are able to be ‘just’ friends.
Sometimes we think we want something but haven’t been able to accurately define it in terms of specifics. I love women. I like being with them generally speaking. But when it comes to a serious relationship in which time and resources are to be committed, all I can summon up is a vague nebulous rendition of sort of. This inability to ‘define’ what it is I want typically translates into someone getting hurt. Flesh wounds aside, it was a case of aiming high but missing the mark.
Unlike one of our own I don’t see the answer being total disenfranchisement. Giving up the search for what we perceive to be good and worthwhile is far worse than to stumble and err. The Russian writer and part time prisoner Solzhenitsyn said, “It is not because the truth is too difficult to see that we make mistakes… we make mistakes because the easiest and most comfortable course for us is to seek insight where it accords with our emotions – especially selfish ones.”
I don’t pretend to understand how it works; I’ll no doubt continue to have these lapses of stupid. Tilting at windmills seems to be what I do best, but the impact of repeated charges has taken its toll. So filling the void will have to come from someone or someplace else, nevertheless I’ll persevere because I know of no other way!
While I’m sorry it happened I don’t apologize for seeking the brass ring. Do the two or three of you reading this doppelganger ever make mistakes? Of course you do! If you’re saying to yourself, “I don’t even entertain mistakes let alone make them” then you’re an idiot. Every one of us should believe in ourselves even if we’re letting hope overcome reason because the other option is to throw what you’ve learned out the window and settle for some off-the-shelf solution. I’m of a mind that there is no such thing as ready-made solutions because we should be the only ones that know what we want!
I’ll be heading back to the bar to once again gaze upon what few possibilities are afforded me.
“The Dude abides.”