GIRD UP YOUR LOINS THIS YEAR – dvant gets fired up

Good Morning Seekers of Hogmanay,

I thought the first posting of 2011 should be uplifting, and if possible, provide hope to those of you feeling sorry for yourselves. The slate has been wiped clean which is more than I can say for some of you (see personal hygiene section) nevertheless 2011 provides an opportunity to expand. It doesn’t have to be monetary gain, (wouldn’t hurt to win the Mega-Millions lottery) rather intellectual or spiritual gains might be of greater value!

Let’s face our collective fears looking them straight in the eye and demand things change for the better. “We’re mad as hell and not going to take it anymore!” This is the year we finally stride into the phone company and tell them to shove a phone up their ass and reduce the rates! No more cowering when caller ID says IRS. It’s time for the cable company to get a piece of our minds! How many times have you promised to slash the tires of the asshole parking in your spot? Well the time is now and would encourage the two or three of you reading this ‘bluster & bullshit’ to follow through this time and become irrational.

I was talking to Dv’ant the other day and hope he doesn’t mind me sharing this with the rest of you, but I’m very proud of him. For years he’s been trying to get his neighbor to split the cost of replacing the wooden fence separating their properties. The homes are older and everyone is tired of ducking under the 2 X 4’s propping the fence up. His neighbor agrees the dilapidated fence needs replacing but won’t cough up the $800 for his share claiming poverty. Dv’ant could afford to replace it himself, but will not give in to his neighbor’s calumny and willing to let it collapse so at the very least his dogs can shit on his neighbor’s yard!

According to Dv’ant he came home from the bar and went straight to the back yard tending to his pork ribs on the grill. The sound of a garage door opener was coming from his neighbor’s yard and turned to look. He couldn’t believe his eyes! His neighbor pulled a brand new SUV out of the garage and backed out of view and onto the street. Dv’ant flew into a rage spinning in circles vowing to kill the bastard. He noticed the nearby can of lighter fluid and immediately knew how he was to extract revenge. Dragging out a five-gallon gas can he proceeded to douse the fence with fuel and began a creepy maniacal laugh that even worried his sainted wife.

In seconds the entire fence was engulfed in flames shooting ashes 50 feet into the night sky. With beer in hand stirring the BBQ sauce, Dv’ant flashed that goofy grin of his knowing at last something was going to be done. The dry rotted slats burned to the ground quickly leaving nothing but smoldering ashes. To celebrate he opened the door to let both dogs out, and as if scripted, immediately went over and left two steaming piles of shit on his neighbor’s backyard. He thought he heard ‘Ode to Joy.’

Instead of bitching about it keeping his seething inside, he took action. Not only is it cathartic, it also forced his neighbor’s hand and a new fence will be built. However, Dv’ant is currently doing community service and paying for the fence out of pocket given the court order. But damn it, I’m proud of our associate.

May 2011 be the year you’ve waited for your entire life!!


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