Good Morning Molded Eggnog,
Well another Christmas has come and gone and no doubt you’ve already grown weary of returning the shit you didn’t want for liquor and other medicinal needs. Lord knows so far my holiday has been filled with experiences both touching and agonizingly tedious, but came away with mostly warm fuzzies. Much time and emotional energy has been spent reviewing the past year but now it’s time to look forward or not to the upcoming year.
I’m glad to announce I’ve not heard even the most modest of resolutions from ‘Curmudgeon Corner’ but if there was we’re old enough to know better. These syrupy sanctimonious statements of resolve usually come from the younger crowd. These kids still think there’s enough time to improve! Poor bastards, because it’s funny if you think about it. New Year’s resolutions from softheaded morons convinced that with a little self discipline, they can improve themselves; even in a small way is a losing proposition. Of course improvement is a subjective thing isn’t it? Lose a few pounds, get that promotion, quit smoking, stop drinking, exercise more often, and my personal favorite; the dreaded four hour erection are vices we assume to be controllable.
The perspective of age offers a full preview of how this self-deceptive practice is mostly an act of futility. Twenty years ago during a drunken emotional catharsis at his boss’s New Year’s Eve party, Madcow tearfully promised to be a far more productive ‘team’ player and itemized how he’d accomplish this promise. The list consisted of the following:
1. Quit watching internet porn
2. Sliding out the delivery dock leaving work early
3. Using company phone for personal calls
4. End his relationship with VP’s wife
5. Quit ‘puffing’ his expense reports
6. Stop taking credit for ideas produced by the mailroom guy
7. Finally end his continual belittling of the fat receptionist
8. Stop absconding with company printer cartridges
9. Calling in sick will be limited to actual illnesses
10. Quit referring to his boss as a dick with ears
Needless to say Madcow was allowed only to remove anything he hadn’t stolen and escorted off the premises. This heart-felt resolution ended up being a confession and has changed his life forever! Nobody can live up to this unholy desire to rid ourselves of those things we crave. I’ve said this before, but the ‘Moody Blues’ said it best, “Just what you want to be you’ll be in the end.” The self-deceptive practice of declaring one’s weaknesses vowing to overcome them is a fool’s dream.
As we look ahead to 2011 it’s clear a curmudgeon-ous resolution isn’t worth the breath used to utter it! Assuming there is two or three people reading this illusion go into the next rotation with your eyes open and your mouth shut. You know who you are and you’re not fooling anyone, so simply be cool, don’t get caught, and if you decide to make a change go about it quietly. If you accomplish your desired self-improvement everyone will notice. Contrary, should you fail miserably, and you will, no one is the wiser. Jeez.