DR DEATH FRANCHISING – its time to thin the herd

Good Morning Bereaved,

Eventually all of us will succumb to gravity and die; some sooner than later. Still others seem to never die. There’s no skill involved as far as I can tell, unless one intends to eat a bullet, then you’ll have to fill out the forms and hope the background check doesn’t reveal that issue with eight year old boys. So all in all dying doesn’t require an advanced degree and seems reasonably straight forward. So what’s all the fuss about? Dancing with death (and let me know if this sounds like it should have been in ‘Forest Gump’) is something each of us must do at some point, but the whole process needs tweaking. “Dance with Death” is a 14th century morality poem centered on a dialogue between Death and representatives of all classes of folks from the Pope on down. Obviously I can’t speak for what’s left of ‘Curmudgeon Corner,’ but a dialogue with Death would be preferable to a conversation with ‘Cush.’ Needless to say if I hear about Aunt Myrna one more time, I’m that much closer to expediting my own death!

Whether it’s somatic with telltale rigor mortis or brain dead it’s all the same isn’t it? I suppose statistically speaking it’s important to separate types of death particularly now that organ transplants are commonplace. But dead is dead right? Albert Einstein said, “The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there’s no risk of accident for someone who’s dead.” While not wishing to contradict Mr. Einstein, but I would also suggest to the two or three of you reading this eulogy that the notion of death has you scared shit-less!

Lately I’ve become a bit obsessive about death and all the trappings given the declining health of my sainted parents. I used to be terrified of the ‘Grim Reaper’ until I finally experienced enough rotations to acquire perspective and a better understanding of the dynamic at play. With the possible exception of George Hamilton, the older one gets, the more feeble we become, and our quality of life continues to diminish, the more we look forward to deaths release. This is precisely why Dr Kevorkian’s business plan is such genius! If he was left alone to develop his craft without the damn government again deciding what’s best for us, there’d be as many Kevorkian franchises as KFC!

Look I don’t want to be perceived as morbid, but it’s clear that a goodly number of curmudgeons might as well go ahead and die saving the clean air and water for those of us that still must press on. There’s a few of them (and they know who they are) that have nothing to live for. The kids are gone, can’t retire, wives left for good, and in continual pain suffering gout, dementia, and nearly blind. C’mon now, GET OUT!! There’s nothing left to prove and it pains me to say this, but ugly now owns ‘Curmudgeon Corner’ as most of them are able to weave the hair growing out of their distended ears!



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