Good Morning Roborant Creatures,
If at all possible please send your good wishes to the former denizens of Monark Springs in Newton County Missouri. Located just east of Neosho, it has been abandoned after a tragic set of events snuffed the life out of them. To say the community experienced a bit of bad luck is like saying Dv’ant put on a little weight! In 1956 during a camping revival meeting sponsored by the ‘Church of God,’ a huge outbreak of Typhoid Fever killed 16 people before they discovered the city well was contaminated! More recently though, at ‘Red’s Tire Service,’ on Halloween night 1997, 600,000 tires caught fire creating a blaze that could be seen from the Space Shuttle, subsequently destroying much of the town. Oddly enough, the tread is still smoldering some 13 years later! The state government in its infinite wisdom has set aside poor Monark Springs as a state conservation area! You can’t make this shit up!! You know you’re in the Ozarks when a smoldering pile of tires becomes a nature area!
I mention this unfortunate set of circumstances because in terms of self inflicted wounds, we curmudgeons have few equals. This was evidenced by the fact we’ve been deemed endangered and placed on the list. This is normally reserved for animals because we humans tend to slash and burn in our greed, often times killing without conscience. But in a highly controversial move the feds put us on the list because we’re a danger unto ourselves!
So let’s see, in addition to the endangered list, we’re also on the Jihadist list, Christmas list, shit list, short list, and the ever lengthening list of fools. That said though, being placed on the endangered species list is not necessarily a bad thing. The Act was signed into law by Richard Nixon in 1973 to essentially protect animal and plant life from disappearing; safeguarding from harm. Right along with the ‘Indiana Bat’ and the ‘Hawaiian Dark-Rumped Petrel’ we curmudgeons will be allowed to reproduce quietly in numbers sufficient to re-establish a foothold in our natural habitat.
Who could forget the ‘Spotted Owl?’ For a time preserving the bird’s nesting areas dropped the logging industry to its knees! I don’t know about the rest of ‘Curmudgeon Corner’ but I got my certification and a bank card with $250 on it. I’m supposed to use it for food and/or shelter. This also being said, I detected a tinge of sarcasm in the letter condescendingly explaining that my habitat must not exceed 150 proof. This is of course unconscionable!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I must return to my habitat to breed.