A KINDER GENTLER DIATRIBE – zuki sees the light

Good Morning Schadenfreudes,

I haven’t discussed this with anyone, and I suppose I should, but after 700 plus postings I know of no other way. It’s not as if I didn’t encourage it, but today’s ‘Diatribe’ has morphed into a vehicle where we glean enjoyment from the misfortunes of others. I can’t remember exactly when things changed, but the original purpose of this humble forum was to provide a morning anecdote about something droll or amusing. As I examine this unfortunate transition, it’s clear the lampoon has been sharpened. But there are many examples where the subject was bludgeoned as opposed to a quick thrust through the chest. When did this happen? Who is responsible? Is it too late to change?

While I try not to second guess human nature given the occasional stints with consistency, but for the most part I’m afraid today’s sampling of human DNA offers up both genetic and environmentally affected kinds of crazy. What makes this easy is that crazy is never too far away which of course facilitates eye-witness accounts. Occasionally I get private messages that explain how mean and nasty I was to them. Even though they knew the story was fiction, they felt hurt even betrayed! I can’t do this to people anymore; particularly to my aging curmudgeon friends and associates. I’m not sure how, but I intend to change the direction of this forum. Platitudes aside, I want to discuss positive and wonderful things. I’ll utilize topics that are uplifting or inspirational; topics that urge people at large to be more selfless, but more importantly stories that don’t tear anyone down. I intend to seek these GOOD things out and highlight them on this my humble forum.

As a good beginning to being ‘kinder and gentler’, let’s us use this holiday season to turn over a new leaf. Let’s extend a hand of fellowship to those less fortunate than ourselves. I know what some of you are thinking, “Zuki I know what you’re saying is true as well as important, but I don’t know anyone less fortunate than myself” I’m hip. I look around at my own humiliating circumstances and wonder how I could possibly lift anyone up, but there has to be a way.

Getting to know the wretched often times becomes difficult if not dangerous, so a little planning will go a long way to minimize the potential ugliness. Having offered albeit brief help to the Denver Rescue Mission, I do have some idea as to a course of action. To force-feed a homeless person usually takes more than one person so bring along someone just as committed as you. Also make sure to snag a carton of cheap cigarettes, because under the viaduct as it is in prison, cigarettes are currency. I have saved myself several beatings over the years simply because I had a pack of smokes. You should also carry a pint of ‘‘Old Grand Dad’s’’ to use as a ‘bait.’ Throw in a couple of old coats with a bit of life left in them and now you’re ready to help the homeless enjoy a lovely Thanksgiving.

Once beyond the suburbs and into the city it shouldn’t take long to spot a few of them rummaging through the dumpsters. Park nearby and assess the surroundings. Once in position secure the bottle of whiskey with a thin cotton rope and place it in view of those you intend to feed and wait. Within a few minutes they will walk toward the bottle thinking they’ve been truly blessed. Keep pulling the bottle toward you until you’ve drawn them around the corner and into place. Your partner takes them out at the knees while you pin them down and sit on their chest. You won’t have much time so start shoving a turkey leg into their mouths caring they don’t bite you God forbid. Use the cigarettes and whiskey as dessert so they chew the food properly and eat their vegetables.

They may be a little traumatized by the ordeal, and will probably vomit up your kind offerings, but you will have done something good by caring for others. I encourage you to follow the above instructions and make someone’s holiday one to remember. Cheers.

zuki

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