Good Morning Pundits of Life’s Rich Pageant,
Collectively speaking do you think our expectations are too high? Is the ‘new reality’ simply the old reality minus more of our income? Have you discovered an unmistakable urge to kick your neighbor’s dog? Is there an outside chance of civility? When will Elvis find his telephone books? These crisis issues are a plague in need of a ‘Pied Piper.’ However, leading us out of the morass is going to take more than a flute this time. It’s going to take someone of extraordinary character and verve to navigate not only the existing traps before us, but the ones yet to be dug. This person must be “trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.” I suspect the two or three of you reading this dope dip are asking yourselves, “Besides a Boy Scout where in the hell are we going to find someone that truly fits the description?” I’m hip.
There is only one person I can think of with the credentials and moxie to elevate us above the squalor and filth that is life’s rich pageant. I know many of you feel you’re already living feculent free; moving steadily forward. I’m here to tell you it’s a fools dream! Our concerted effort to avoid this lucifugous existence is tantamount to outrunning one’s own sweat! Try as we might to avoid the stains, it always finds us! Anchored in moral turpitude this person understands the movement beneath them and willing to let it ooze between the toes. Dealing with slime almost daily makes this person uniquely qualified to assess our impending besmirching and able to mitigate or at the very least delay it. This undertaking shouldn’t be taken lightly nor should it leave a mark. Yet if something isn’t done immediately I fear the vast majority of us will in some way manifest all the symptoms. Unexplained rashes, bleeding gums, spittle, stomach cramps, and the dreaded four hour erection are at the top of the list. Look none of this should be that complicated. Simply log onto Marzukionline and vote. I know what you’re thinking but I have assigned this to my sainted son who is above reproach.
Having said all this, there is compelling evidence to the contrary. Jesus calmed the storm and walked on water. There were stories of raising the dead and feeding 5,000 individuals with a few loaves of bread and a Mackerel. My particular favorite is the turning of water into wine. I’ve tried for years to accomplish this without success but did transform myself into an imbiber and lover of wine. How many more years are we going to function under the assumption God will provide? Why can’t holy men everywhere perform these miracles? Is it just a matter of faith? I’ve seen the Bagwan from a dead sleep elevate himself off the bar stool and meander his way to the parking lot, but that hardly compares to wine making.
My friends it’s time for us to put our faith in something tangible. A flesh and blood entity with human traits we can relate to. Someone who isn’t afraid to block traffic. Someone who will always tell the truth even if it’s inconvenient. Someone with a nose for survival and can actually read a compass directing us in a straight line. Yes, someone with good intentions.
Obviously I can’t speak for any of you, but I would encourage the readers of this feckless forum to overcome their disabilities and exercise their right to vote. Who will lead us out of the swamp and into a brighter day? It’s your call.